sun seeker
Diamond Member
I know others have the same problem, and partly I'm wondering how you deal with it, and partly just wanting some social interaction without feeling like a freak - even if it can't be in person.
It's getting progressively harder to be around people. I have a few safe places I go but mostly I long to be at home in my safe "cave." Going out and being around people feels so exposed. Most of them can be so insensitive and don't even realize it, and soon I am wishing I could run for cover. I know that people without PTSD can't understand, I realize this. But even being around people doing "light" or "normal" things is too hard now. It's so much work to act like I'm okay, I can manage it for a little while but it's exhausting. I stopped going to social events with crowds over a year ago, but for a while could still do things like get together with a friend for a board game. Now even that feels like too much.
Today was a hard day and it took me several hours to psyche myself up to get out of the house. Just going grocery shopping felt like getting through a very tiring obstacle course. I ran into the partner of my sister who doesn't speak to anyone in the family. I know he's judgemental of me. We said hello but that was it. I also ran into a friend of my mom's and waved and said hi, and she looked at me but didn't acknowledge me at all. She's usually a very friendly mother hen type. Of course there's no telling, maybe she was having a bad day or something, but knowing she has never done that before and knowing she's my mom's friend and wondering if my mom has talked to her about her problems with me - like that I started insisting on facing some long-standing family problems and brought up my memories of sexual abuse - I wonder does she blame me? I try not to let it matter. But she was right outside the store I wanted to go into and I froze in panic, with the result that I got home without the dried fruit I was going to get to bake a fruitcake.
Then at home in my safe place, a friend came over to drop off some papers and we were talking about the cold outbreak at the nursing home where I spend a lot of time, and I said I wasn't worried about catching it because I've had it already, and she said in a sort of flippant way that maybe I was the one that started the outbreak and did I go there while I was sick? I said of course not, which is true, I am super careful about germs. Then she left and I cried. It's just another example of how sensitive I am - how could this person know how much it terrifies me to think of accidentally causing harm to another person, so much that it goes into OCD-like episodes (I say episodes because it is intermittent) that can make even the most straightforward of tasks exhausting and time consuming? That I will run to the bathroom to wash my hands if I've even scratched my nose around someone who might have immune problems, even if I'm not in the slightest sick? That there are times I get out of bed ten times in a row to make sure the doors are locked so my cat can't get out and get hurt? She can't, because I've never told her. But I can't be around people. It hurts too much.
I'm crying from a mix of anguish and self loathing. Trying to calm myself with soothing music and petting my cat. It sort of helps. But I want to be able to be with people, laugh, have fun, interact like normal people do and not have it be this hard. Being alone all the time isn't good either, but the balance is swinging that way right now. Have you been there? Does anything help?
It's getting progressively harder to be around people. I have a few safe places I go but mostly I long to be at home in my safe "cave." Going out and being around people feels so exposed. Most of them can be so insensitive and don't even realize it, and soon I am wishing I could run for cover. I know that people without PTSD can't understand, I realize this. But even being around people doing "light" or "normal" things is too hard now. It's so much work to act like I'm okay, I can manage it for a little while but it's exhausting. I stopped going to social events with crowds over a year ago, but for a while could still do things like get together with a friend for a board game. Now even that feels like too much.
Today was a hard day and it took me several hours to psyche myself up to get out of the house. Just going grocery shopping felt like getting through a very tiring obstacle course. I ran into the partner of my sister who doesn't speak to anyone in the family. I know he's judgemental of me. We said hello but that was it. I also ran into a friend of my mom's and waved and said hi, and she looked at me but didn't acknowledge me at all. She's usually a very friendly mother hen type. Of course there's no telling, maybe she was having a bad day or something, but knowing she has never done that before and knowing she's my mom's friend and wondering if my mom has talked to her about her problems with me - like that I started insisting on facing some long-standing family problems and brought up my memories of sexual abuse - I wonder does she blame me? I try not to let it matter. But she was right outside the store I wanted to go into and I froze in panic, with the result that I got home without the dried fruit I was going to get to bake a fruitcake.
Then at home in my safe place, a friend came over to drop off some papers and we were talking about the cold outbreak at the nursing home where I spend a lot of time, and I said I wasn't worried about catching it because I've had it already, and she said in a sort of flippant way that maybe I was the one that started the outbreak and did I go there while I was sick? I said of course not, which is true, I am super careful about germs. Then she left and I cried. It's just another example of how sensitive I am - how could this person know how much it terrifies me to think of accidentally causing harm to another person, so much that it goes into OCD-like episodes (I say episodes because it is intermittent) that can make even the most straightforward of tasks exhausting and time consuming? That I will run to the bathroom to wash my hands if I've even scratched my nose around someone who might have immune problems, even if I'm not in the slightest sick? That there are times I get out of bed ten times in a row to make sure the doors are locked so my cat can't get out and get hurt? She can't, because I've never told her. But I can't be around people. It hurts too much.
I'm crying from a mix of anguish and self loathing. Trying to calm myself with soothing music and petting my cat. It sort of helps. But I want to be able to be with people, laugh, have fun, interact like normal people do and not have it be this hard. Being alone all the time isn't good either, but the balance is swinging that way right now. Have you been there? Does anything help?
