Can't Escape The Flashbacks

[KJ.]

I can't seem to escape the flashback's at the moment. Im living at home with my parents which is where my brother raped me and im sleeping in the room where it happened. A lot of the time I end up crashing on the couch because sometimes I just can't bear to go in the room. Everytime i walk in there I can see it. feel it happeneing all over again and I end up with a panic attack. my brother doesn't live with us anymore but he ring's everyday and my family mentions him all the time. I refuse to answer any call's from him but it doesn't help knpwing that he is the one of the other end of the line. But I can't sleep in the lounge all the time becuse my parents have started to ask questions that im not ready and scared to admit. I told my parents about my brother raping me when i was 13 and in foster care but they did not believe me and my Dada ended up throwing a chair across the room and my Mama said that I could stay in foster care because they didn't want me and then last year after a huge argument with my Mama about why I hate my brother my Mama said that if he can forgive me for accusing him of raping me then I can forgive him for whatever it is he did to me. That made me realise that my parents still don't believe me and that there isn't anything I can do or say at the moment to get them to listen to me. I've been thinking about writing them a letter or just telling them but im scared of what they may say or do, if they will believe me or not and if it goes badly for me im scared that I will turn to suicide again. Im self harming to cope with the flashbacks and nightmares but its getting to the point where I have to cut deeper to get any relief. I don't know what to do to make myself ok again. I can't tell them without risking my own safety at the moment and I can't leave home, i have been looking for flats for a year now and haven't found anything so far. Im scared that someday soon my parents are going to see me while im having a panic attack or find out that im cutting again. Im also scared that during an argument with my Mama or Dada im going to tell them in a fit of anger. I can't tell them but I also can't continue to live like that, im falling hard and fast and can't seem to do anything to stop it. I have talked to my private therapist and she has re-referred me back to Adult Mental Health in NZ and I have my first appointment next week and she is also referring me to an ACC Sexual Abuse counseller and I hope that will help but I don't know how im supposed to talk about it, tell them what he did to me which I know is something I am going to need to do. I have been with my private therapist since I was 15 and all I have managed to tell her is that my brother raped me at least once a week for six months when I was eight, i haven't gone into any details and im scared of whats going to happend to me when i do. I don't know how to put into words what he did. Im scared that im going to fall ever further and lose hope and attempt suicide before I even get to the appointment with the Adult Mental Health team. Im scared that it's going to happen within the next few day's and I know I need to tell someone who can help me but im scared of what my parents are going to do or say if i do end up asking for help and end up in hospital again. My parents are having their own problems and they seem to fighting more after then not and I don't want to worry them with what is happening to me. I don't trust them and I feel like thay don't love me, that they choose my brother over me but I can't help but feeling selfish about wanting help when it will only serve to worry and hurt them. Help...

 

[anthony]

Curious why people don't respond? Watch: [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/why-grammar-punctuation-and-spelling-rules-exist-video.10054/[/DLMURL]

 

[Kendra]

I’m sorry your parents didn’t believe you. I was afraid to tell anyone about what happened to me because I was afraid that nobody would believe me. I didn’t tell my parents about it and am not planning to ever tell them, but I told my doctor and he believed me. It was such a relief. Good job for having enough courage to tell your parents (I would have never be able to do that) and getting help from a therapist. I am still reluctant to talk about it because it’s just too emotionally painful.

 

[AzureMind]

Horrible....your parents are just not of the mind (as of now) to be of any use to you, and I am so unbelievably sorry for your situation, which I'm sure is why they also put you into foster care once upon a time. I don't know what's running through their heads, but you need to know that your not at fault in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM, and as an ex-SI, I urge you to stop, because one day you could cut deep enough, you could 'slip' and rupture a deep vein....I know that you don't want to die, because you're still here, and you resolved that as a final option, otherwise you would've done that already, furthermore, I know that you know that you have control over who can take your life, so please, don't consider that as even an option, because you've been through the UNTHINKABLE and you've still standing, you might be battered and bruised, but you're STILL HERE!! :) So, why would you want to go and undo all the work you put in this life already? you're a SURVIVOR, and you've got my COMPLETE RESPECT.=)

I know it 'feels' good to SI because you feel those endorphins rushing through you, and that anger, pain, fear, is released through each cut; I used to cut because of the intensity of the rage that I felt, and I felt that if I couldn't kill the one who hurt me, then I could turn it on myself, and and satisfy that anger/hurt/pain by cutting myself and by cutting myself, and seeing that blood, I felt that someone was paying the debt for what I believed to be an injustice done against me....and I know now that I wasn't to blame, and I hope you know you AREN'T TO BLAME, either! and shouldn't waste anymore time on that :) it's beneath you, the girl who survived such pain and torment.

One things for sure; you need to alieveiate yourself of that pain immediately....Call your therapist and tell her, and KNOW that he CAN'T hurt the older, wiser, smarter, more mature you; he had it easy then, when you were a little girl of 8 but now, YOU have control over your life, and he has NONE over you....but that's the hardest part; realizing it yourself, but you can start it by writing out.....getting it out of you some way.....holding onto that is letting yourself down, and you've had enough of that, haven't you? :) Slowly, SLOWLY begin to speak to your therapist about it....sometimes mom and dad are unavailable to us, so we must turn OUTWARD to find support and a sense of 'normalcy' to help us develop....if you have a good rapport(mutual understanding of each others motives for being there)with your therapist, I urge you to to continue to be brave, and speak about this so you can help not only yourself, but maybe even others too someday, but FIRST, do it for you ;)

Keep your head hi!! :)