Can't Seem To Break Through This Inability To Be Comfortable With Touch.

[Frogs88]

So, the brief history (and I've posted on here about these issues before) is that I was in an abusive relationship and was raped. It's been three and a half years and I've not had a relationship in that time. Though I did muck around a little with an old friend when drunk once.

Now, i've met a guy and I am falling. And he's nice and funny and everything I could want at this point in time. On our third date I hugged him goodbye (these dates have all lasted 5-7 hours because we just can't stop talking) forth date he gave me a quick peck on the lips as he said goodbye. Now I was really sleepy and I just didn't respond. It was a bit out of the blue really, so I guess I was shocked. Anyways it was just a quick peck and my initial thought as I was waving goodbye to him was how much I wish I hadn't missed that peck because I really wanted to kiss him and I didn't want him to think my lack of response was lack of interest. So, I resolved to kiss him next time I saw him in a -oh by the way- sort of way. But now i'm getting quite worked up and nervous because it's been four years with very little physical contact. In fact a hug from me just showed how much I like him as that usually takes a year for me to get to. I really have very little physical contact with anybody, so it's feeling odd and like a big deal. So, has anybody had this sort of problem? Any advise?

 

[holdenmonty]

Maybe you could apologize for not really kissing him back and explain to him that you haven't been in a relationship of four years.

 

[J.L. Pitts]

The sense of touch. It has a wonderful but sometimes eerie linger to it. Be that as it may the human body was designed to touch. The largest organ is actually your skin. It can feel the slightest breeze. I have been where you are. I wanted so badly for it NOT to be any kind of issue. But I am so proud of you for working your way up to even giving a hug. If this may be that someone special he will need to know about your problem with touch. And he will be astounded that you have let him this far into your life. Honesty. It feels scary to share our deepest thoughts, but it's not a winning situation if you are not honest. With a reason in his mind a VALID reason in his mind why he has to go very slow if this is the start of something deep he will treasure you enough to let you set the boundaries. When I met my husband and we had begun dating it was really a whirlwind but there were certain things he could not do and this put us at odds a lot of times. This man that I loved was beautiful all the way down to his soul. There was no way I was going to let him get by me. So I made a decision. I would tell him about my childhood the sexual abuse and the rapes and because he was truly beautiful down to his soul, he understood all the problems I had with being touched. I understand. It's scary. Follow your heart because you have a strong heart and it has seen you through the worst life can throw at you and is strong now. Don't be afraid to follow your heart. It is so okay to want to feel the kind touch of another person. I say be honest with him. dates that last from 5-7 hours while you have a problem with touch he is already respecting your boundaries for hours at a time. You will know when. Don't let fear interrupt your life anymore.

 

[Glenn R.]

FROGS - Sounds like you've gained tremendous ground. Focus on that progress rather than what growth still lies ahead.

 

[Frogs88]

Thank you for your replies. I am happy to say that the problem has been resolved. All the things I thought that would worry me such as his weight ontop of me didn't actually trigger a flashback as I thought. We had a very passionate and fun few hours and he respect my boundaries and made me up his sofa bed as it was late and cold out. Progress is being made.