Can't stop thinking about self destructing

[Deleted member 38906]

This has happened more than a few times for me to wonder whether it's a pattern. Every time I get close to someone I start to feel out of control and helpless. I've been seeing my T for a few months now. He is an alright T. But I can't help but feel like I'm losing control. When I first started seeing him I told him I wanted to see three other T's at the same time so that I don't get attached to just one T. He said hmmm but that might become confusing and it's best to have one T so you can have one place to land at. So we agreed on one T: him. two months later here I am feeling out of control and self destructive because the process of landing with someone messes me up. I forgot that it does. I feel so helpless. I am used to him now and need himband that means he has all the power. He can hurt me if he wanted to. He could stop seeing me or go on vacation. I don't think I can continue.

I've become super manic these past two days ever since he told me he has to go on vacation. I can sleep ok. I feel like hurting myself constantly. I even stepped on a bridge today just so I could feel my life in my hands. I can't take this. It's too hard for me to stay in therapy but I know I need it. I feel so trapped. Tear.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I forgot to add that maybe the conversation we had last time had something to do with how I feel aswell... We talked a bit about developmental trauma and he asked me a bit about my past romantic relationships. When I replied I've had none, he was a little surprised. He asked me whether I had ever fanticized about being with someone and the answer was no again. The whole conversation just made me feel like I was a freak. And I guess not having a clear idea of what's wrong with me makes me feel really out of control as well. I know I have some sort of developmental trauma that makes me feel like I am numb and dead inside, makes it hard to feel love and to connect to people. Most of the time I feel detached and mistrustful. Just realizing all of that in therapy makes me feel incredibly self destructive. What's the point of life, if you can't have relationships? What's the point of living if you cant love? And no dogs don't count.

 

[DharmaGirl]

You will learn. I could have written what you wrote when I first started therapy. I left therapy about 20 times in 4 years. He finally left and got a new job, but he used to say, "what was hurt within a relationship has to be healed within a relationship". This is normal for where you are, although it is not a fun place to be. I am learning to have relationships. Friendships that are based on mutual likes. It can happen, it just takes a long time and lots of work. You can do it.