Relationship Need advice about a break-up - will he come back?

[Julien]

Posting here in the hope someone can help me - especially those who know more about PTSD than I do (but I already read as much into it as I can!)

My longterm partner (M,32) and me (M,34) had a wonderful and stable relationship, tho long distance, for 5 years (we saw each other as often as possible). He is my partner, my lover, my best friend, my other half - we've planned a future together. He opened up to me pretty early about his PTSD, Trauma & Depression. In all these years we were together, he was able to handle it very, very well and I'm still so proud of him. We were communicating very openly and he was seeing his therapist regularly.

Yet, in May 2023, he blindsided me and ended our relationship out of the blue. The reason: His mental health. I already realised how he slowly communicated less with me in the past months, found reasons not to meet up etc. After a month of no contact (and me going crazy but trying to accept his descision) we had another talk to slowly reconnect and by now I know a few more things of why he left.

A few months back he got the diagnosis of kidneyfailure (both) which triggered his trauma and he basically pushed everyone away he loves as far as he could. He told me I should "hate him", that he is "a monster", everyone should just "forget about him" - that he doesn't want me to see him hooked on machines. He tried suicide twice and gladly it didn't work out as he planned. He opened up about that he didn't want to put the pain which is on him on me. He was abused in his childhood and still gets physically abused by his mother daily. He was so afraid to tell me the truth and I never saw my (ex) partner break down in tears, his voice breaking and trembling while he told me about it...

I'm still very much in love with him and I told him: I'm here if you need me, if sh*t goes down you can reach out ANY time. But also I found out that, since that diagnosis, he is emotionally cheating on me with someone who is the complete opposite of me. All of his friends told me "this man is not good for him. He promised not to get close with that dude" etc... He said he moved on "too fast too soon" and he knows how much he had hurt me with all of this. He doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't know if he can feel romantically at ALL atm. Yet, if he didn't want this pain from him on me, because he loves me so much, why does he put the new person through it? If he can't feel anything, why is he with this new person now?

He told me a lot of times that he messed up badly, that he is sorry, lost the only person in the world who truly loves him (me), that I'm the best thing that ever happened in his life and that he wishes we can be in each others lifes forever... But also that he doesn't deserve such a loving partner like me. That he doesn't deserve ANYTHING. Also I never saw so much selfhate in him.

I'm very, very worried about him. I think he lost control of everything and is, unconsciously, self-sabotaging/self-destructing his life - that he is still in that Trauma-Episode. That he pushes me away, still loving me, and going with that other person to get the "love he deserves", because he said he deserves nothing good, because his whole live ppl told him he is worthless... This new person he is with very much resembles very much the person, that started tha Trauma in his childhood.

I had told him I'd forgive him for the emtional cheating and the lies anytime, because I truly love him the way he is, want to support him and want to see the real person behind the mask he has build up since he was a child. He is not his Trauma. Yet we are in no contact again, because I can't handle to know that he is with that other person now, it hurts so, so much... Also I want to give him space to figure out what/who he wants - he couldn't answer my questions if he loves the new person or if he wants to be with him for real or work things out with me. He avoided to answer.

I'm interested in a romantic relationship with him only atm. He still can call/SMS me anytime. He hasn't blocked me anywhere. If this new dude were not there, I'd try a friendship, but I just can't...

I'm so worried, that he can't fully grasp/understand the consequences of the break up yet and that, as soon as his Trauma Episode might be resolved in whatever way, he'll fall again. Deeper. Because, this new person only met the Trauma-him and will abandon him as soon as this episode might resolve. Which will push him deeper in that dark hole...

A friend of mine (also struggles with PTSD/Trauma/Depression) told me to give him time and that he, for sure, will reach out to me. That I should not lose hope yet. I never put him through any stress and was always loving with him. And he knows. Because, my said friend, has the feeling at one point, he will snap out of this current episode and than the realisation will hit him full force of what he actually has done.

Does it make sense I wait for him? I truly love him and want to support him.

I want to give him another chance whenever he is ready, because he was the best that ever happened in my life and still is. I miss him daily. For 5 years he never did ANYthing wrong, he brought the stars from the sky from me. Now, only that emotional cheating, is the only thing he messed up. And he was so shocked that I love him so much... But I also understand that my love is "too much" for him currently - this is why I had to give us space now.

We all would be here for him, waiting with open arms. My Family and friends love my (ex) partner to bits, even though these past few months were hell for me. They all realised how much he means to me in these past few months and that I'm serious that I'd love to work with him on this (couple therapy or anything) and that it would be a long road ahead. I'd be ready to try.

So, would it make sense to wait for him or did I lose the love of my life forever? I do work on myself and my life now, but I'm so damn scared I'll never see him again. Does anyone has advice or anything for me?

I'm open to answer more questions if needed! I want and need to talk about that.

 

[SEACHILD]

i read your piece with sadness - i know exactly what you are going through. i fell in love with a man withcomplex ptsd, i saw the mood swings, the blowing hot and cold. He said i was the best thing that had ever happened to. him and he's been through a lot in his life. All i wanted was to love and care for him. The catch was he was living with his ex girlfriend rather than live alone in his house in a deprived area - they had been in a 16 year on off relationship, although they were not on. intimate terms they had a bond of friendship. Because of his volatile mood swings [he came off his medication] she threw him out and he went back to live in his own house. i did not interfere in their relationship but left him to decide his own path. i thought he needed me more than ever so was extra supportive and over three weekends helped him move his belongs and tons of books to his own house. He had been saying that he wanted to live alone away from people but i think actually being told to leave ASAP by his ex traumatised him. After i had finished moving all his stuff [he doesnt drive] i never heard from him again. No messages, no facebook, no whatsapp, nothing. That was in February. i had to let go. Chasing him, questioning, wanting 'answers' would only be construed as 'confrontation'. it breaks my heart every day. He still visits his ex who lives a few doors away but never comes in to see me. i dont want him to see me and cause any triggers so i discretely hide away from view if i see him walking by. God knows if he will ever realise what he has discarded or the callous way he done it. All i know is i have to let go and get on with my life, broken heart or not. PTSD is so complex that all i can do is hope time mellows him - i know he had to go back on his medication again. Even if he did come back, the uncertainly of his behaviour means i can never have a future with him, he talked the talk and probably meant it at the time but PTSD warps emotions and clouds judgment, any little thing can stoke up an imaginery 'dangerous' situation for sufferers. its achingly sad, but the NO CONTACT rule is painful to contemplate but it is best for your own mental health - you will get better able to cope given time. Fill your life with things different and out of your ordinary sphere of your every day activities, that void can be filled with a little determination. Good luck, hold your head up lavish some of that kindness on YOURSELF - you are a kind and compassionate person, i can see that, you deserve genuine happiness reciprocated with someone who can be 100% committed - all the time xxx

 

[Friday]

A few months back he got the diagnosis of kidneyfailure (both) which triggered his trauma and he basically pushed everyone away he loves as far as he could. He told me I should "hate him", that he is "a monster", everyone should just

So, would it make sense to wait for him or did I lose the love of my life forever? I do work on myself and my life now, but I'm so damn scared I'll never see him again. Does anyone has advice or anything for me?

If I’m reading your post correctly… Your boyfriend received a terminal diagnosis, and broke up with you, and started dating someone new.

Did he receive a kidney transplant, or is he still terminal & awaiting one?

Because if he dies, waiting for a transplant, whether or not you wait for his new beau to maybe break up with him seems fairly immaterial.

 

[Julien]

i read your piece with sadness - i know exactly what you are going through. i fell in love with a man withcomplex ptsd, i saw the mood swings, the blowing hot and cold. He said i was the best thing that had ever happened to. him and he's been through a lot in his life. All i wanted was to love and care for him. The catch was he was living with his ex girlfriend rather than live alone in his house in a deprived area - they had been in a 16 year on off relationship, although they were not on. intimate terms they had a bond of friendship. Because of his volatile mood swings [he came off his medication] she threw him out and he went back to live in his own house. i did not interfere in their relationship but left him to decide his own path. i thought he needed me more than ever so was extra supportive and over three weekends helped him move his belongs and tons of books to his own house. He had been saying that he wanted to live alone away from people but i think actually being told to leave ASAP by his ex traumatised him. After i had finished moving all his stuff [he doesnt drive] i never heard from him again. No messages, no facebook, no whatsapp, nothing. That was in February. i had to let go. Chasing him, questioning, wanting 'answers' would only be construed as 'confrontation'. it breaks my heart every day. He still visits his ex who lives a few doors away but never comes in to see me. i dont want him to see me and cause any triggers so i discretely hide away from view if i see him walking by. God knows if he will ever realise what he has discarded or the callous way he done it. All i know is i have to let go and get on with my life, broken heart or not. PTSD is so complex that all i can do is hope time mellows him - i know he had to go back on his medication again. Even if he did come back, the uncertainly of his behaviour means i can never have a future with him, he talked the talk and probably meant it at the time but PTSD warps emotions and clouds judgment, any little thing can stoke up an imaginery 'dangerous' situation for sufferers. its achingly sad, but the NO CONTACT rule is painful to contemplate but it is best for your own mental health - you will get better able to cope given time. Fill your life with things different and out of your ordinary sphere of your every day activities, that void can be filled with a little determination. Good luck, hold your head up lavish some of that kindness on YOURSELF - you are a kind and compassionate person, i can see that, you deserve genuine happiness reciprocated with someone who can be 100% committed - all the time xxx

Thank you so much for your words! And yes, the no contact rule is very hard right now and I miss this wonderful person he truly is, but I know we need time apart and that I need to take care of myself now. It's just so hard because I just want him to be happy, really. But I'll try my best to move forward, each day a little step forward.
Thank you again. I hope you're doing better, too!

 

[Julien]

If I’m reading your post correctly… Your boyfriend received a terminal diagnosis, and broke up with you, and started dating someone new.

Did he receive a kidney transplant, or is he still terminal & awaiting one?

Because if he dies, waiting for a transplant, whether or not you wait for his new beau to maybe break up with him seems fairly immaterial.

Yes - the diagnosis triggered his trauma in motion and this new person basically took advantage of my ex partners vulnerability in that moment. At least this is how I can best explain it (even tho it sounds absolutey crazy, but I can't share all of the details here for everyone, because to fully understand it I'd need to share screenshots and voicenotes from our conversations). I think it also triggered the feeling of "the fear of missing out" on him. That he doesn't want to settle with me, but want to explore more before it's too late...

Where my ex partner lives he can't get any kidney transplant, no help, nothing... He said to me he needs to seek help outside of the country. This is all the infos I got. I have no information about what stadium he is in sadly... because before I could ask further questions, I found out about the other man and completely forgot to ask more, because I was so heartbroken. Not only because the man I love might be dying if he doesn't get help, but also he emotionally cheated on me.

I know it doesn't make sense to people, but even if we only had one month left to be together, I'd be thankful to be by his side and at least hug him one last time. Because he is worth it, even tho he hurt me. But I know it was a trauma driven descision and he is not himself anymore. All of his friends said his whole self changed drastically.

I do let him go, but the tiny bit of hope is still there. I badly hope he takes care of his kidneys and that he is seeking therapy. I'm so worried that he just gave up and said "whatever I'll die anyway"... :(

 

[Bandersnatch]

I found out about the other man and completely forgot to ask more, because I was so heartbroken. Not only because the man I love might be dying if he doesn't get help, but also he emotionally cheated on me.

Is his new boyfriend someone who is there with him, IRL? Or just someone he met online, or has never met?

 

[Friday]

Where my ex partner lives he can't get any kidney transplant, no help, nothing... He said to me he needs to seek help outside of the country.

A person in active kidney failure can only live for a few days/weeks without dialysis or a transplant.

So if this was months ago?

He’s either receiving a whole lot of help, or someone’s lying.

 

[Tinyflame]

Agree with @Friday ' , even dialysis would be 2-3x/ week, the day of is pretty much written off, the day after I've never met a person not wholly flat-out exhausted. Missing 2 in a row there becomes a strong rotten-fish smell. Totally energy draining. I am confused..

 

[Julien]

Is his new boyfriend someone who is there with him, IRL? Or just someone he met online, or has never met?

As far as I know online only (emotional cheating) BUT my former partner has at first lied about it to me (quote: "We only met twice, he confessed and I turned him down. It is nothing serious."). But due to some circumstances I found my Ex' new Twitter account which stated "Yes, I am XY's lover." My ex is currently not allowed to leave his country alone due to his suicide attempts. Yet it could all be a lie... I'm just confused myself.

 

[Julien]

@Friday @Tinyflame
To be honest I really have no clue either... But as he is a cancer survivor (he really is) I don't think he'd lie about this. But I'm not sure of what to think anymore... It would be very cruel if he truly would lie about that.
He said he is getting medication. I don't know if he gets any dialysis. He even shared his doctors details with me, so I could ask further questions if needed (but let's be honest, I'd not get any anyway due to professional discretion). But I saw his swollen legs/feet and arms/face... he said this is due to his kidney problems? I'd be devastated if this were all a lie...

 

[Julien]

Edit:
Tbh I'm not sure if he might've meant the early stages. We both were pretty devasted during the chat/voicenotes. Maybe he meant both of his kidneys are affected and that it's more an insufficiency, which might lead to complete failure. Maybe I can contact one of his friends and ask for some details at one point :/

 

[Sideways]

Maybe I can contact one of his friends and ask for some details at one point

Not your business. And kind of creepy. I’d leave his friends out of it. That’s unnecessarily drawing innocent parties into your personal issue.

I found my Ex' new Twitter account which stated

‘Found’. Like, I dropped the phone and it accidentally appeared on the screen! Leave the cyber stalking alone. That’s creepy and immature.

He said to me he needs to seek help outside of the country.

Yeah, no. He doesn’t. If he was in kidney failure, he’d be dead without dialysis. He may well want your money. But at this point, neither of you are behaving within a “healthy adult with healthy boundaries” purview.

Break ups suck. Emotional nightmare territory. But that’s what it is. Put the lies and games away, and deal with the shitty reality: the relationship is over. And that’s painful, and shitty, and hurts like hell.