Relationship Carers Of Those With Combat Ptsd: Let Them Be!

[LoyalOne]

And if nothing else, justin - (((you)))

 

[Nicolette]

While I agree with all which is written here - any relationship is a two way street so, while giving space is one thing, there has to be healthy boundaries from the Supporter in that how much space & time is acceptable.

Some Sufferers take years and not weeks or months to get themselves out of isolation mode. A Supporter has to decide if they are willing to wait being non existent and how long for. The cause for the relationship rift is PTSD, the Sufferer suffers a debilitating illness however the Supporter suffers too.

 

[May1321]

My sufferer has told me that he loses days sometimes in seconds.

Our ideas of time and their ideas of time are not one for one.

Keeping ourselves busy as LoyalOne said is helpful because it not only keeps us sane and passes the time but it helps us realize within ourselves where to place our boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable as Nicolette has said.

I'm still learning... Even just today I can admit to not being skilled enough to know what tactfully works best half the time with my sufferer.

We've reached a point where he can say "I need space" and I'll give him space but despite me having minimilized even the texts, just today I find out he doesn't acknowledge my texts and time passes as if 24 hours was 24 minutes. The thing I was not prepared for are outside influences and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or sending a what may seem like a nice text at the wrong time. He freaks out and everything that was not the problem or have anything to do with me before is now my problem. The worse part... and I've seen this when my brother blows up... he doesn't even know what he's doing... he doesn't acknowledge it. He's not in a mind set to acknowledge it.

It's the hardest thing to learn first off how to dance with your partner and their PTSD, climb the ladder of communication, etc. The worse part is when what you think you are building fails and realizing it is to no fault of your own... a stray ball just flew in from left field and knocked over the cup you were sitting on top of.

Again... just learning that the only thing we can control is understanding that it is not personal _at time of isolation_ and we DO NOT HELP. What makes sense to us may not even exist in their thinking at that moment. It's hard to understand that however their stress cup is overflowing, the last thing they want is to hurt us but the problem is we don't immediately understand that so we push.

The best advice I've ever gotten on this site is to "take care of myself" keep myself busy and stay away from the phone... when communication opens back up, speak clearly about your boundaries. I think that's why we are where we are today even though we are in the midst of struggling still. But it's out of my control. It has nothing to do with me... and before I bring that tent completely down on my head, I think the tread mill is calling my name and or maybe that new winery that just opened up...

 

[IvyMillie]

Army brat I feel so bad for what you have gone through. It is especially hard when you have put so much into a relationship to get rejected like that. You did so much and were so caring for him. I'm sure it really hurts.

It's harder when you really put yourself out there--on a limb for someone to then get ignored like that and blatantly treated so badly.

I think that it is so hard with PTSD because although they do things that distance themselves we are supposed to not take it personally. That's kind of hard sometimes. We all have feelings.

It's good that you are warning others to be cautious in relationships. That applies to anybody, but especially with PTSD.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Thanks Ivy. That's why I'm so greatful for this site - for people who understand instead of people around me who could only TRY to.

I think that it is so hard with PTSD because although they do things that distance themselves we are supposed to not take it personally. That's kind of hard sometimes

That's the absolutely worst part. How many times have each of us written that as well as read it. We could say it underwater or read it while standing on our heads - yet how come that's so damned difficult for US to remember on our own in our individual situations? It's almost as though it doesn't even apply which could make you nuts!:confused:

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Again... just learning that the only thing we can control is understanding that it is not personal _at time of isolation_ and we DO NOT HELP.

May, you should create a thread with just that sentance alone! It made such an impact on me when I read it earlier today.

It's like we're so determined TO help, and we feel like failures at some point because we just aren't. It's a damning position to be in :( Someone hurts or is messed up, we want to swoop in and be there - in our minds. In their minds they don't want that at all, they want to be alone, and it's not until we're in situations where we just want to be alone with our thoughts that we can TRULY understand that mentality.

 

[IvyMillie]

The thing I see is that you really are such a caring person and you wanted so much to help. We need more you's in the world. Most people don't care and don't try. I hope that you will in time find someone who will appreciate that about you. You have alot to give!

Also, at least you know that you were there for him. You can have no regrets!

 

[Nicolette]

Army_Bratt_88 there is this thread [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/so-its-not-about-us.18110/[/DLMURL] and I think there is another one called 'Its Nothing Personal' or something like that.

 

[Jacquie]

Oh I really understand the "YOU PEOPLE NEED TO BACK OFF NOW!!!!!!" thing.

And if they do, well the one time they did, I came out of it faster, could organise my thoughts and then contact them. But while they wont leave me the hell alone......it just keeps me in that 'respond respond respond' mode.

I dont know why its different if I am the one to contact them, but it is.

 

[May1321]

In their minds they don't want that at all, they want to be alone

the one time they did, I came out of it faster, could organise my thoughts and then contact them

I'm understanding all of this.... as sometimes I have to be reminded but yes... there are and have been times when I too just want to be "left alone" and it's nothing personal. Even with my own friends... well, lately with some it's because they don't want to hear about what I'm going through even though they ask, and I am really not in the mood to hear their take on it which comes from an un-open minded place of ignorance on their part. It doesn't mean their bad friends, they just aren't what I need to 'get me through' right now... sometimes I just have to quiet my mind from any outside opinions and focus within. I see and totally understand that for my sufferer...

The hardest part... at least in my case... is he usually shuts off when we are actually GOOD. It's taken a couple of rounds for me to realize as I do now - much quicker than before and because we've gotten to a more open place where he knows he needs to or is safe to explain - is it isn't about someone else in his mind... though there are stressors brought on by other people and things in his life... but it is when we start to get good, confident, and comfortable when all of a sudden he freaks out. That's a hard thing to swallow for a healthy person.

I don't think it's about committment as he keeps saying, I think in his mind he all of a sudden feels he HAS to be obligated to me. He's got all this pressure he's feeling from others, or he is taking on on his own, and that's what he does with me. My way of trying to "fix" it for him is spreading on this thick blanket of proof with words that that's not what I intended for him to feel - but that is what is not in my control. He all of a sudden feels I am a threat to his control and is afraid he's going to hurt me and will lose me for good.

There is no middle ground with PTSD. It's one extreme or the other. Him isolating to find space is as close to the middle ground as he can get and I need to let him do that. If I push - especially about why he's doing it, "things were going so well", etc. - he retreats farther. If I don't push, he comes around and texts me 'good night', or will open up to talk a little. If me texting him in response is too much, as long as I keep it neutral and about the weather, or the day, or something of that nature, at least those are the last texts he sees and it's not about a text he may see as a threat to his space where he's trying to relieve some of the pressure he's feeling. He too is trying to reflect inward and get his life back into control as there are times I do too. Acknowledging this about myself, and understanding - aside from PTSD - that he needs to do this seperates the man from the disease and he is feeling more 'normal' so to speak...?

The first time T tried to isolate, it freaked me out... new to the disease, etc. Before he was gone completely I plummeted myself into therapy, reading, this site and backed off before I lost him completely. I can't guarantee it works for everyone, but at the same time, it was just a small part of the rest of what I needed to do FOR ME in regards to other areas of my personal life.

I think the only way we can, or at least I've tried, to seperate the disease from the man, and from trying to "HELP" too much is to realize, we aren't much different as clinically "healthy" people than they are even with PTSD. EVERYONE becomes Co-Dependant when we see someone who is sick, and in need. We jump in trying to HELP. I love my soldiers... my brother, my ex husband, my friends, my boyfriend. But they are MEN and PTSD totally cuts them down at the knees and makes them feel weak. Sends them into depressions, overindulgence of substance abuse, video games, sexual relationships, sleep, sleep deprivation, etc. They are afraid to seek help especially at the beginning because it makes them feel even weaker... but they are SOLDIERS. They aren't supposed to be weak. So we need to learn how to HELP THEM by letting them be MEN. Being there but as they need us. YES, we must have our own set of boundaries... always TAKE CARE OF YOU. It will earn you more respect when you do and if it doesn't, then he just down right isn't a good man. But let them be MEN. Let them go at their pace. If he needs space, he just needs space. He doesn't need one more person to take care of or one more person making him feel insufficient to taking care of himself. There is nothing wrong with that. That is normal. So let them be as normal as they can be.

- sorry. kind of went off on a tangent there but just feeling sort of ZEN and awake this morning -

 

[LoyalOne]

But they are MEN and PTSD totally cuts them down at the knees and makes them feel weak. Sends them into depressions, overindulgence of substance abuse, video games, sexual relationships, sleep, sleep deprivation, etc.

So we need to learn how to HELP THEM by letting them be MEN. Being there but as they need us. YES, we must have our own set of boundaries... always TAKE CARE OF YOU. It will earn you more respect when you do and if it doesn't, then he just down right isn't a good man. But let them be MEN.

Awesome, May.

That is one of the hard parts of caring, for me. Especially since he is so vulnerable emotionally, and several years younger than I am. He goes on a three day bender, or goes off without a word on his motorcycle, or calls me at 2am to say 'Don't worry, I wasn't arrested,' and then hangs up.... I want to start screaming at him like I am his mother.

But the last thing he needs is to have it reinforced in his head that he is an incompetent screw up.

He almost reminds me of my brother as a teenager - testing his own competencies, testing my limits of tolerance for his behavior, testing the way he interacts with the world around him. Like relearning how to be someone he can live with.

 

[May1321]

testing my limits of tolerance for his behavior

This sounds like a negative approach for attention but I get what you are saying... and in a flipped around way, it's also a way to break the belief that he is a "screw up" and "everyone leaves him" which he then has been told is due to his PTSD.

It's a hard thing to NOT REACT in a way that will push them or hurt them... and I think it's not something we are really taught anymore, or ever, growing up... but that if we have our sound mind and body and boundaries set within us, we can set limits for ourselves which essentially are for them without it being taken directly into offense by them. Basically, finding a way to acknowledge their behaviour but not tolerate it in a healthy manner but without enabling it... does that make sense?

Hmmmm... my wheels are turning on how to actually find that healthy way to approach that :cautious: