Relationship Carers Of Those With Combat Ptsd: Let Them Be!

[Prettysmile]

Well I am very new to understanding what is PTSD, I learned just about a month ago that my Marine was a suffering from combat PTSD. Prior to me realizing that he was suffering sure I got mad as heck when I sent him a text and he didnt reply or he didnt call me all day. I didnt know what was going on. But being the person I am. If I am dating you and I call or text you and you dont reply..My natrual response is " To hell with you then! " I hate to be ignored and I find it insulting. If someone is not responding to me I respond back with the same. I start ignoring them too. I dont call, I dont text, you dont exist to me! Now my Marine when we did go through this and he finally turns around and contact me. I use to give him such a hard time by giving him such attitude. All he would say was he is sorry and he will try to do better. But then a couple weeks would go by and it happens again. Thankfully, someone hinted to me that he might have PTSD. When I did my research and realized that his behavior was pretty common in relationships with people with PTSD he did get a Pass. So, I no longer give him a hard time when I dont hear from him. But nothing has change with me when it comes to me texting and calling you and you dont respond. You can bet you are not hearing from me either! lol. I hate to feel as if I am bugging someone. I have too much pride I guess and just stubborn sometimes. Yes at first I did think that my love can make him better. Ha! I quickly realized that wasnt going to work. After speaking to a few people who has encountered people in their lives with PTSD i realized that all I can do is pray for him and hope for the better. So far Its been working for me. I just accept what I cant change.

I'm a real busy person anyhow. The time apart we do get is sometime a good thing for me. However, There are times when I do get lonely. If Lets say I go to a function and everyone is with their partner having a good time and my sufferer is MIA. That is something I'm not sure if i can deal with forever. I am still young and hot (lol) If time goes on and I get fed up. I will just move on and find someone new and make sure he doesnt have PTSD. But we all know that with anyone if it isnt one thing its the next. If he dont have PTSD, he might have some other issues. In My opinion, if your not married to your sufferer, and you dont share kids together you do have a choice. Heck even if you are married you have a choice! You dont have to put up with it. You can leave and find someone else.

My Marine is a great guy and when things are good they are great. But I want to be married in the next couple of years or so and I want to have another child. ( I have a daughter from a previous relationship, where I left his sorry butt at the alter). I do think of things like. How would he be as a dad? Sure I can handle him disappering on me for a few days. But what if we have kids? How would that affect the kid? I have gave myself a time line. I have known My Marine for 2yrs which we were in a long distance relationship up until 2 months ago. We know live in the same state and 15 minutes away from each other. If I dont see any improvement over the next six months to a year from now. I might have to throw up the white flag like army brat. That may be too much to ask. But according to my marine he just needs time to adjust. He expierence this PTSD symptoms when he returned from Iraq in 2008. He said it took about 6 months for him to adjust and he felt fine. So lets see what happens this time. He's been back in the states for 4 months.

 

[Prettysmile]

The scary thing with my Marine is that he admitts to enjoy killing. He does not have problems sleeping at night. He even snores. If I ask him to tell me his war stories, he tells me. He doesnt give me grim details but enought to make me think " woooow". But all I can say to him is, " i can't see you doing that, your so sweet". Then he kisses me and thats the end of it. He has nooo problem talking about what he saw or what he did. Maybe thats why he is coping beter than most. But at the same time I find it disturbing.. that it doesnt bother him in the least. I never been to war but is it normal for you to keep a number count of people you killed? Is this mandatory? My Marine knows exactly the number of people he has killed.

I asked him over the weekend which symptom of his ptsd bothers him the most he said "hypervigallence" ( did I spell that right? He said he wish he can not always be on such high alert all the time, he can never really relax and enjoy himself. That and the other symptoms he finds annoying is not understanding his feelings. He is always confused about what he feels. He said he realized that when he came home to me. He remembers being crazy about me before afganastan but somehow cant seem to feel that way again but he knows its there?? Okay Im confused too!

 

[LoyalOne]

Well, that's what he was taught to do, and he did a good job. Taking lives is a hard thing for most people, and I am not going to quibble with how they deal with it, personally. Sgt isn't particularly bothered by his count, either. He is more bothered by guilt over not having been able to save more of his guys.

That said, the emotional numbness and the hypervigilance must be difficult to deal with. You can't live 100% on your nerves. It wears you down. At least he is sleeping.

Hey, like you say - he has only been back for four months. Hopefully having someone around who understands that he is going through readjustment will help? Maybe? I guess we'll see.

 

[Prettysmile]

Sgt isn't particularly bothered by his count, either. He is more bothered by guilt over not having been able to save more of his guys.

My marine says the same thing. He just feel guilty he couldnt save some of his marines. But yes they did do a good job at killing the enemies. But being a silly civilian as he like to say. When ask him did any of the killing him bother him and he replies with " nope, I love it" so care free you got to understand I'm not use to hearing that. but then again its my guilty pleasure. I admitt I love that he is soo dangerous but yet still so sweet and gentle with me. giggles.

 

[LoyalOne]

It's an odd thing to be able to manage in a person's head. I am not sure I could do it. I am amazed as many of them can do it as can. The guilt, though is awful. I would do anything to take away the guilt. I think he could handle all the rest of it if it weren't for the survivor's guilt. That's the one symptom I would fix for him if they only gave me one I could take away. He looks older than he is, and I am convinced that's why.

 

[Frankie]

While I agree with all which is written here - any relationship is a two way street so, while giving space is one thing, there has to be healthy boundaries from the Supporter in that how much space & time is acceptable.

Some Sufferers take years and not weeks or months to get themselves out of isolation mode. A Supporter has to decide if they are willing to wait being non existent and how long for. The cause for the relationship rift is PTSD, the Sufferer suffers a debilitating illness however the Supporter suffers too.

I totally agree with this Nicolette. What is also true is how, as a couple, you need to discuss these things. I know when my exyboyfriend had his PTSD very controlled we would discuss on how he wanted and needed me to "react" to his "low" moments. He made me understand if one day he would say to me "I need my bubble" I knew not to take it personal and knew to give him the space he needed...nothing personal to do with our relationship..just something he had to do for himself. Also, it was understood if I would call him or text him, if he would answer or reply, I could continue texting...if he would stop...I would stop too. It worked for us, but as in all relationships there has to be some kind of communication.

When we are new to PTSD, we don't know what is the right or wrong thing to do...and since it is different for everyone, it needs to be discussed. i know my exboyrfriend wanted and needed me to tell him "I love you" he needed me to touch him often, he would say "I need to know you are here", so again I gave him what he needed.

Did I ever make mistakes ? Of course..we are not perfect. Noone can expect us to get it right all the time...it is a learning process. I did like many, after he left, I would sometimes leave messages or text him...telling him I loved him...naively thinking that this is what he needed to hear.

However, all this is when their PTSD is controlled. When it is not, it is a completely different story. You have to wait for them to make the first move..and even at that you have to observe and listen to what they say and never take it personal. But as Nicolette has said, there has to be healty boundariies, and we are the only ones that can decide for us...how long we will wait for their PTSD to be controlled again. And honestly, it might be controlled again...but the suffererer could have moved on to other things, as mine did. That is certainly the time we have to move on also...and stop blaming PTSD on everything, there comes a time they will know what they are doing and being with us might not be it anymore.