Caring For Someone With Ptsd That Is Pushing You Away

[Anna1954]

Hi about 2 yrs ago I started talking and writing to a man who was in Afganistan. I knew his family here in the states, but had never met him. He came home and I finally got to meet this beautiful man with a smile that can light up a room.We live in different states, so we were chatting on facebook and he invited me down to where he lives. I thought that would be good to go see him. I don't even know if this would have made a difference, but now I beieve I should have gotten a motel room. When he came to the airport he had a rose.

We went site seeing and he was loving holding my hand and putting his arm around me. I thought it was so nice since I have been alone for so long. We slept together that night, another thing I wish I had not done. He was great again we went site seeing and he was his attentive self. Next morning was Valentines Day he came out with a stuffed animal and baloon. I didn't get him anything since I thought it would be moving too fast. We talked about his past relationships and how when he was overseas the women had gone out on him. I understood how he felt, been there myself. Later though when we were watching tv I looked at this beautiful person and asked,"when do you think we will see each other again."

I didn't see anything wrong with asking. He seemed to change and just said not mean, "well I bet you want a ring and commitment". I was," that is not what I said or meant". So I finally said,"well I feel a little rejected and I do not know what is going, so if you want me to change my flight I will go ahead and do it". He said,"maybe it would be ok because right now I am feeling really confused and I think this is moving to fast." I am a very strong person but I felt so rejected but I knew it was also his ptsd talking.A few tears fell and he goes so sweetly,"please don't I feel so bad, and it's not fair". He continues that he is scared and he is going to mess this up,its not you its me, that he likes me and that he can not find anything wrong with me,but that his past experience make him scared."

I was numb than and couldn't say anything. He took me out to eat and we went to the beach,again he was holding my hand and very loving. He said he doesn't like being alone but when he thinks he wants something and it happens he feels he wants to be alone again. I came home heart broken and have not contacted him because I feel he has done the rubber affect thing and needs time to think. I know he is a good man, and like everyone he needs someone to love him. What can I do to help him, should I not contact him till he moves my way and contacts me? Also do people with ptsd ever think of the person they have pushed away and regret and come back? I am so confused right now. Any answers would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Anna]

I would give him a call and ask how he is. Also how the weekend was. Just show you care, also thank him again for the valentines present. Stay posittive just go on about what a nice time you had and hope you guys can catch up again soon. Then tell him to give you a call next time. Then you have made an effort on your side and the ball is in his court.

 

[Helliepig]

Anna, I feel so sorry for your confusion. I'm someone with cPTSD that is just dipping her toes into dating and the possibility of meeting someone I have met on line. In the short time I have known him (and only in cyber space) I have gone from ecstatic and hopeful to terrified and suspicious. I am yo- yoing between wanting someone and being terrified of being seen. Having PTSD hurts in so many contradictory and overwhelming ways it can feel crazy - and can seem hurtful and contradictory to others.

My advice would be to realise it will take a long time to get close properly -there is a tendancy to rush in then panic and rush out, to pull and push, to fear closeness and aloneness both as much. If I were him trying to tell you what I needed it would be patience, time, kindness, curiosity, ability to look after yourself so I can be in a mess without having to support you - i would fear that you might judge or push me or overwhelm me with your needs. In PTSD, the tortoise definitely wins over the hare.

I would contact him, keep it short, be friendly, not go into any questions about what happened, and just let him know you are there. Let him run and come back and just be a constant that he can learn to feel safe around. He may need to feel that you can accept the fact he is not rational and consistent because having someone see the chaos in your heart is one of the things we fear the most.

 

[Anna1954]

I would give him a call and ask how he is. Also how the weekend was. Just show you care, also thank him again for the valentines present. Stay posittive just go on about what a nice time you had and hope you guys can catch up again soon. Then tell him to give you a call next time. Then you have made an effort on your side and the ball is in his court.

Thank you so much for all your words. I know what ptsd can do to a person. I have it to some degree. lol But I have been working with mine for a long time. He is the first guy I have not pushed away in 19 yrs of not being close to anyone, not a hug or a kiss. thank you again.

 

[Anna1954]

I would give him a call and ask how he is. Also how the weekend was. Just show you care, also thank him again for the valentines present. Stay posittive just go on about what a nice time you had and hope you guys can catch up again soon. Then tell him to give you a call next time. Then you have made an effort on your side and the ball is in his court.

Thank you for your advice. I do realize I will be patient and understanding. Hey I stayed bymyself for 19yrs of calibacy. I forgot what a hug or a kiss felt like. I pushed any man that came my way, but with him it was different and I am not going to give up on him. He is a beautiful person with so much to offer if only he could get his ptsd under wraps. I too suffer with it, but I have learned to deal and know when it starts effecting me. Well for the 19 wasted years I don't know. lol thanks again

 

[Anna1954]

Hellipeg I am not sure if this would help, but I know with me I just made myself do the things that scared me the most. I know it too me 19 yrs of calibacy not letting a man close to me till I met this guy. I don't know what it was about him. I guess the thing was I told myself I was going to take a chance and I didn't try to talk myself out of it. I went for it! So don't let the years pass you as I have, it is a lonely, lifeless existence. We as humans need the warmth and love of the opposite sex and it is sad sometimes things like ptsd keep us from doing that. I have so often thought how we all want to be loved, but when we finally find it we run from it. So please try to work through your fears, we all have the ability to do some hard things in life and this is going to be hard, but slow and steady wins the race. Good luck and prayers are with you.

 

[Phil1983]

We talked about his past relationships and how when he was overseas the women had gone out on him. I understood how he felt, been there myself. Later though when we were watching tv
What can I do to help him, should I not contact him till he moves my way and contacts me? Also do people with ptsd ever think of the person they have pushed away and regret and come back? I am so confused right now. Any answers would be greatly appreciated.

Hi anna.

I saw your your comment in another post so will try my best to help from my own experiences as I have pushed away the only girl I have loved and trusted since the course of my PTSD. As you probalbly read that I was planning on proposing to this girl in the next few weeks and as my brain had never dealt with these things it has caused me to trigger and mess up everything up.

The main points I can pick up on other than this man seemed like a great guy is that his past memories of relationships, Afghan etc could all be his triggers.

He may of thought he has met someone he could really love and have a strong relationship with but obviously the memory of a past relationship would cause a reaction in the brain for him to want from what he has in front of him and what he could be building on. This is an issue with me as since my problems all happened with people I could trust and involved someone I loved at the time, now my brain is tellin me trust and love are danger areas so the minute confrontation arose any in form I was defensive and made foolish mistakes towards her.

Another area to look at as to me it seems it was a sudden change in his personality. you were watching tv...what you were watching could of had some reminder of anything that has happened in the past but that added to the closeness of the 2 of you while watching tv would of also reminding him of how his past relationship may have been before it took a wrong turn so again that is another trigger of his.

The thing you have to remember is that these triggers effect the sufferer inside and can easily effect the supporter, as we both know. It is hard for us to let things out sometimes and we need someone to ask us questions and support us as much as possible and as much as needed, not an easy thing to do at times and also not easy for us sufferers to realise who is actually trying to help and when we do we can easily be scared off due to how the triggers effect us on our own not to mention the people around us.

The choice you have to make before anything is can you ignore him and do you want to? Personally I would say to contact him, make general chat about how he's been, what he's been up to etc...catch up on the time you have not seen each other. This will show that you are not a threat in any way to him and he will hopefully see that and have a converstation with you properly and maybe start to open up about different things which will help you understand him and his triggers.

As for us sufferers thinking of the ones we hurt and push away. I can only speak for myself but I'm sure others are the same but I truely regret everything that has happened with me and my ex and would do anything to rewind time and do it differently so that the original arguemnt would not have started and esculated over the past week and I would of actually got the ring on her finger. There has not been a day go by this week that I have stopped thinking of her and what I've done and lost through my own fears and misunderstandings but I know she doesn't understand how I think etc, she knew my triggers from the actual event and kept me away the best she could but the new feelings and thoughts that I have neva had to deal with since the event are what has taking us both by surprise and caused a big problem.

I hope this will help you in some way so you can build a friendship and possibly future relationship with this man.

<Edited by Anthony: Please insert clear spaces between paragraphs.>

 

[Anna1954]

Thanks Phil1983 I need to ask one more thing. I have talked to this guy a little lately. He talks to me more like a friendly conversation. There is no longer the OOXX like he used to once in awhile. Is this another symptom of this disease or is this a stupid question?

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hi Anna,

Sorry to butt in here. I have exactly the same situation. My Beloved left me, moved to a different continent. I blamed myself, its only later that she was diagnosed with CPTSD. Now I am able to let some of my guilt go, knowing that the PTSD was the main culprit for many of our arguments.

She used to be so loving and caring, she would say the most wonderful things to me. Right now she is in the PTSD real bad, she is getting constant therapy, and its hurting her to have to deal with her stressors and her triggers, she finds it difficult enough to just wake up each morning.

Because of this, she is not able to show me any affection at all. She can tell me how much she loves her dog, and how much her friends mean to her. But to just say "I love you" is a major feat for her. Its not that she doesn't love me anymore, its just that the PTSD is taking so much out of her that intimacy or affection towards me is basically non-existant. I am learning to accept that, its not easy, its probably one of the most difficult things for me to do, because I am a person who thrives on intimacy and affection. But I have to do it, because trying to get it out of her just pushes her further away...

Thats the nature of the PTSD beast. It tries to destroy relationships... and it so often does.

I have made the decision that I will not allow it to destroy the love I have for my Lady. I know that one day, when she is ready, she will be able to show me her incredible love and affection again. Until then, I'll wait.

 

[Anna1954]

Thank you Seeking I am just to the point I feel my heart is going to come out of my chest. I mean this guy and I were not an item, but he seemed to say things like we should go on a vacation and once we really finally got together it seemed good for a little bit. When he talks he is not mean he still talks sweetly and loving, I almost feel after we were sexually intimate he might of hated my body. lol I don't know maybe he didn't have the feelings he thought he might of had. Being behind a computer makes some feel brave and more in control. I chatted with him on FB last night kept it friendly, he chatted very nonchalant almost cool. That hurt very much. I don't know if me telling him I care for him, which would be the truth since we have not had enough time (actually no time) to get to the love part would push him away more? What do you think?

As for you I give you alot of credit to stick to someone that has not returned your love and affection. I don't know how you do it on a daily basis. I let this guy break a wall down I had put up almost 19 yrs. I am so empty. Not many women will raise 2 children alone and not bring a man into their lives. I sacrificed enough already.

I hope your lady comes around for your sake, because it seems like it is a very hard life to live with little joy. Thank you so much.

<Full post quote above reply removed.>

 

[Phil1983]

Thanks Phil1983 I need to ask one more thing. I have talked to this guy a little lately. He talks to me more like a friendly conversation. There is no longer the OOXX like he used to once in awhile. Is this another symptom of this disease or is this a stupid question?

Again I can not answer for this bloke but from my own point of view.

I know I have done wrong and I have hurt her with my ways but I am stil making some effort to keep a converstation with her so she knows I still care about her but I have not put the XXX's etc into my messages as I know she needs the space to understand everything and I know deep down that she knows all my feelings are true for her but rather than loosing her 100% I am trying to keep something as she is the only person I have trusted since the event and I don't want to lose that 1 outlet for me even when I get back into therapy.

This could be his way of "testing the waters" he may be trying to see how much he can say to you and how much he can trust you. In time he may open up a little more and the conversations could start to turn around. I feel it is in our behaviour, the PTSD can play some really evil games with us and we end up destroying things around us. It becomes our personality and until we can deal with it or open up before the triggers set in, we feel trapped in our own minds and confusion but there is always someone that we look to in time for a listening ear etc.

 

[Anna1954]

Thanks again Phil I pray that things get better for you guys. A loving relationship is so important for humans.
Giving and getting love is a craving we all have and I for one found it again after long that I cherish those few moments he gave me. He brought feelings to the surface that I thought gone or I just desensitized myself from them. And I hope I can that again. I know I don't like having these feelings, because it makes me hurt so inside. And I guess I had given up on a man ever making me feel alive again. But little did I know it was short lived and I feel again dead inside. lol Well enough of me.

Please keep me posted on your relationship and I hope next time I hear from you there will be a great break through. Prayers for you and your loved one.