Cat Lady.

[Raven]

It's been years since I've had a relationship last more than just a few months. More often than not, I date other veterans. I probably shouldn't.

The relationship is still brand new so we still feel like we're on our honeymoon. He's in the Navy, and while he's never seen combat--and hopefully never will--his father was a combat vet so he sort of understands where we're coming from, and he's been patient with me so far. But I'm terrified I'll sabotage it like I always, ALWAYS do. I'll push him away. I won't show him that I love him. I'll end up a cat lady and I'm not even particularly fond of cats. They're assholes like me; I'll get along wonderfully with the cats. I'm still in my mid-twenties. I shouldn't be worried about becoming a crabby old spinster, but I am.

Just last night I came clean to him about why I was living with my father when we met in April. I told him that my lease in my previous apartment had expired and I was just living with him for a few months while I looked for a new (and cheaper) place that was closer to school. Truth is, I came very close to committing suicide in February and my father (a Vietnam veteran himself) talked me down and demanded that I stay with him for a while. I did an outpatient PTSD therapy program.

I'm living on my own again and I think I'm slipping again.

And I'm lashing out at someone I love and care about. A part of me wants to claim that I cannot help it, but that seems like a cheap justification.

 

[Zipperhead]

Sounds familiar. My tendancy is more running away then ending it, but it's the same thing really. Just means I'm too much a coward to pull the trigger.

I think we push them away so that they don't get hurt when we give up. Better that they hate us then watch us fail. Don't let your demons win. He thinks your worth it or he wouldn't be there.

 

[Raven]

What brought on my rambling post about this? A conversation I had with him over the phone last night. He called me from the ship to inform me that Aegis FC's can go blue to green pretty easily, and he was told that they often become warrant officers. He's been seriously considering it.

Me: "...Well, don't come crying to me when you go on a real deployment."
Him: "I was just looking into it and thinking out loud. The ship is like a metal prison, and I'm not cut from the same cloth as the people I work with."
Me: "...Or get based somewhere horrendous and far away. Besides, there are asshats in every branch. You won't magically fit in any better among soldiers than you do among sailors."
Him: "Yeah, you're probably right. Good thing you're the voice of reason."
Me: "I'm tired of dating men in the military..."
Him: "You make it sounds like you don't like me at all."
Me: "Sometimes I don't."
Him: "..."
Me: "I'm sorry. That was cold. What I mean is that you take up an odd space in my life right now and I'm sometimes not sure how to react."

And then we made up after I pulled my foot out of my mouth. But after we hung up, I started thinking about how I always push people away.

We have had OK Corral caliber showdowns over the past few months. I start about something, threaten to leave, threaten him with violence, threaten to make him wish he were dead, etc. And he just (metaphorically) rolls onto his back, takes it, keeps telling me how much he loves me, grovels, and begs me to stick around.

I HATE the groveling. I want him to fight back. I want him to stick up for himself, and point out that I shouldn't blow my gasket. I want to actually be scared that things might end if I keep it up.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Raven,

Most veterans enjoy living alone, that way they don't have anyone to think about or have to care about. They also hate being told what to do.

The other side of the personality wants the affection from time to time.

I was alone for nearly six years (apart from raising my boy) before I met Margaret, my new wife. In that time I treated women like objects. I got my way with them then kicked them out. I was an arsehole.
Then one day I got sick of being alone and changed my ways, that was when I met Margaret.
You know what though, when I first started going out I couldn't wait to go to her place or have her come around, yet after a couple of hours I wanted to be in my 'Safe Place' by myself. When I go there, within a couple of hours I wanted to be back there. Sounds stupid hey.

We always tend to hurt the ones we love, it's easier that way, because they will always be there for us, well we hope they will.

Sorry for stealing your thread, I hate it when my fingers type like that.

I HATE the groveling. I want him to fight back. I want him to stick up for himself, and point out that I shouldn't blow my gasket. I want to actually be scared that things might end if I keep it up.

This book I am reading explains exactly what your talking about.

You crave the combat and the interaction. When you think about it, over there we have this bantering with our mates to ease the stress of the combat environment. The hurtful things we say are in jest but it gives us comfort in knowing that they are our mates and will have our backs.

You just want him to stand by you but also let you know its ok.

Sorry for the waffling.

Jimmy

 

[Raven]

@Jimmy

I kind of slept around right after getting back from my deployment, which is even more awkward to admit as a woman because there's more of a stigma attached to a promiscuous female. There were a few guys I dated for several months before I'd either leave them or they'd get tired of my bullshit, and I wouldn't even care much. However, for the first time in years, I feel comfortable around someone. It hasn't been that way since before I left active duty.

You crave the combat and the interaction. When you think about it, over there we have this bantering with our mates to ease the stress of the combat environment. The hurtful things we say are in jest but it gives us comfort in knowing that they are our mates and will have our backs.

It's partially that, but it's also that a man's natural instinct when he sees a woman who's upset or distressed is to comfort her. I don't want to be coddled. I need him to stand his ground when I start on about something rather than cave into my ridiculousness. I've told him this, but he continues to treat me with kid gloves. If my partner fights back, then I'd realize how absurd I'm being and that I am making someone I love angry. The tough love treatment is generally the only approach that gets through to me.