Caught In A Cult, And Then There Was Complex Ptsd

[LaurenRose]

Thank you Tessa. I am looking forward to reading your experiences.

 

[LaurenRose]

I have been asked if as a result of this experience if I have lost my faith and whether or not John had gotten in trouble.

John, to my knowledge, has not been "outed." I have heard little of what has been going on through these years. Even though I have a curiosity, I have had to check in with my own self as to my motives. I am thinking that I would much rather put my energies into healing from my experience. Perhaps down the road I can investigate it more thoroughly, but right now I run the risk of becoming emotionally overwhelmed so I run away from it. I do know however, that he is not positioned in life to do more damage to children. That part of the cult was shut down, taking in kids from broken homes. I am not sure what I would have done if he had remained active with children, I was in such an emotionally vulnerable place that I don't know if I would have had the ability to take it to a legal place. I am grateful I didn't have to find out.

As for my faith. My faith in "Jesus" has been disassembled. Through my in-depth study of scripture, I learned that interpretation is precisely that - "man's" view of their understanding of an event. They say that it is the "Word of God" gleaned from individual chronicling over time. This could very well be true, but in studying the various forms of the "interpertations" via the many versions of the christian Bibles, it is clear to me that it is all filtered through "man" and ultimately is filtered through an individuals understanding of the world. For me, there are many loving people in the world who have words of wisdom and methods to live a healthy loving life. I am not bound to "one way of being, doing, living" in a structured approach. I am still struggling to define what it all means to me and searching inside to find my truth. The christian psychology (for lack of a better word) has some profound views, concepts, and ideas for achieving inner peace, but I am unable to buy into the idea that Jesus is God (in the three-fold trinity) and believing in this is the only way to cement safety in life. Please understand that I am not forming judgment on anyone's faith or belief system, am simply sharing mine. There is really a whole lot of depth I could go into here, not sure it is something others want to hear so I'll leave it at that.

Presently, my spiritual journey is one of taking in the universe as a whole and moving deeper into understanding my own existence. I am looking at things like predetermination and destiny. It is complicated and sparks times of panic and overwhelm, but when I remember that this an exploratory exercise - not one that is to be somehow accepted as fact regardless of my own fragmented struggle - I am able to be open to suggestion and tuck it away to be chewed upon. I have definitely received a certain amount of freedom from myself. My challenge of internally trying to morph my essence into something some other person or group of people believe simply because they say it is the "only way" or that disaster or punishment will fall upon me if I don't, has eased my journey. I consider myself a spiritual person, spiritual defined as an immaterial reality; an inner path enabling me to discover the essence of my being, deepest values and meanings within myself and the world around me.

I know that brain washing has damaged my ability to explore the world through perceptions and ideologies of my fellow humans. It is how life works for me, witnessing the unfolding truths in others prompts thoughts of what I believe, or think I believe, or have yet to ponder. Having been so utterly convinced of someone elses truth, something that fundamentally is not part of my core, has severely shaken my confidence in my ability to know what "feels" right inside of me. It is frustrating and terrifying and makes simply existing a very threatening place. As I continue to make contact with people who are experiencing similar struggles, it absolutely strengthens me knowing that I am not alone. I take comfort (even though it is laced with doubt as to my own abilities) in those who have done the work and have come to a relative place of contentment within themselves. If they were able to find a way, then perhaps I can too. I am so scared. Tortured with the thought that this distress is now my "lot" in life and it will continue to deepen and become so unbearable that living will no longer be manageable. *Sighs*, this is so hard.

 

[LaurenRose]

I was asked by a friend which ancient scrolls I had studied and if there were others.

I went into the original Hebrew and Greek and translated select portions of the bible myself. Looked up the history of why different versions of the bible were translated and the actual difference between the translations. Did a comparison of the more common Christian faiths: Pentecostal, Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, United, Quaker etc etc. I then did a study on some of the Western belief systems: Mormon, 7th Day Adventist, Jehovah's Witness, Christian Science, etc etc. I read their "bibles" and some of their more popular works. I compared their "bible" to that of the King James Bible. I dabbled in some of the Eastern faiths: Buddhism, Taoism, Daoism, Qur'an. I checked out the Atheist and the Agnostic methods of thinking. Using such things as Jung's work and Maslow's pyramid of hierarchy, I dipped a bit into the higher self.

The studying of the western religions and faiths took about five years to complete. I was diligent in gathering as much information from the source as I could. I was so easily influenced by John into believing something that scarred the fundamental belief systems of myself, that I could no longer simply take someone's word about it - my soul was at risk. After all of the studying - Western and Eastern and Metaphysical, I have concluded that I have no "F-ing" idea what I think or how I should believe lol. I should qualify "study." I didn't do a thesis for each one, didn't read all the stuff exhaustively, I did take notes and used colour coded hightlighters though. Those little arrow sticky things for marking a page came in real handy. I was a skimmer reader and when something caught my eye, I paid attention. Especially when it was a fundamental truth such as "... you will go to hell." Got my complete attention.

Currently I am flirting with existentialism. As always, I am taking it in carefully, cautiously. A lot of what I am reading is ringing true with what I am feeling. It is a relief to be getting some language to describe things such as that "Traveller" who is inside me. The part that has always felt outside of this world. The part that doesn't fit in and never has. The ancient one. I am looking into the "Fathers" of existentialism, to what was popular in the times they lived in, to what was relevant to the information the world made available to them in those times.

 

[Kintsugi]

Currently I am flirting with existentialism. As always, I am taking it in carefully, cautiously. A lot of what I am reading is ringing true with what I am feeling. It is a relief to be getting some language to describe things such as that "Traveller" who is inside me. The part that has always felt outside of this world. The part that doesn't fit in and never has. The ancient one. I am looking into the "Fathers" of existentialism, to what was popular in the times they lived in, to what was relevant to the information the world made available to them in those times.

I'm pretty sure that the bible of existentialism is Camus' The Stranger.
(((Jelly)))

 

[LaurenRose]

Lol Sunshine. That and a multitude of others.

 

[Stacie]

I was never recruited into a cult, my parents joined when I was less than a year old. And this was not a religious cult, but a political one, although I don't think the label really matters when you speak of the brainwashing and emotional trauma that is involved for its members, or I should really say victims.

The cult my parents belonged to, and which I lived in until I was in my early teens and my mother finally broke free did not really use or encourage children, I suppose any type of bond other than that to the organization was detrimental to the cause so I hardly ever saw my parents. But I did observe and witness the brainwashing, and other emotional techniques used, sleep deprivation being the least offensive to keep cult members completely dependent and devoted.

I should mention now that this childhood experience has affected me greatly, and led to much social and personal trouble and pain throughout my life, so I cannot help but mention it in many of my posts, but I am afraid of publicly going into too much detail, since in its watered down form it still exists, and there are many members and former members who may be upset or not happy with too much information being public. I will and may need to discuss it freely but prefer questions about specific details to be in private conversations, not public posts.

Unfortunately my mother was never deprogrammed after leaving the cult, and still employs the psychological "techniques" she was taught on others, including her family in daily life.

It is very hard for me to reconcile my feelings about this cult and am very, very touched and moved that so many were able to move on from similar experiences and are trying to trying to cope with the past instead of avoiding it, as I have done for so long.
Best wishes
Stacie