Relationship Cease Fire (supporter Rant)

[dulcia]

Sounds like you're codependent too, Sister. Lol.

Super codependent. But feeling less so than a few months ago.

You're hoping that your Vet will get clean from his PTSD. From what I'm reading on here regarding Vets in general and what you've said about yours, not gonna happen. He needs to put in work just like an addict needs meetings.

I think what I am starting to realize is that his PTSD is a background issue at this point. And by that I mean...it's something I mostly feel I have a handle on or that I can continue to learn about to get a better handle on. Almost as if his PTSD is so unpredictable that it's predictable at this point. (Can anyone else relate to that?) I think the more forefront issue is the lying and the instances of lying about talking to other girls. I don't know what he is going to be able to do to get my trust back. He can say he wants to and seem like he wants to, but what actual steps would he even be able to take to get me to believe him and no longer worry?

He has been adamant about this awakening he is having about how he really did mess up a chance with an awesome and supportive person. (Yeah, I'm feeling myself at the moment. Lol.) And he continues to say that he will do anything and everything to fix it. I keep waiting for that 'forget it I'm done trying go find yourself someone else' that usually happens when he is frustrated or not getting his way, but it hasn't happened yet. Still, I don't think he realizes how serious I am. I mean...he is still calling me "babe".

 

[dulcia]

There's no forum you go to for partners that are being lied to to learn skills to reduce the lying in your relationship. Because the lying has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Super codependent. But feeling less so than a few months ago.


I think what I am starting to realiz...

I think that hypersexuality may be coming into play. One thing I've noticed with my Vet is that he gets really sexual and then next thing you know, it's nothing. He does look at a lot of porn too. Curiously, I'm not offended by it. Maybe it's just me or should I say my confidence in myself that doesn't really bother me. Now if I catch him doing something scandalous like in the beginning of our relationship, that would be something different.

Maybe your Vet needs to see a counselor for a sexual obsession problem as well. Or do you feel like you're not on the same page regarding sex??? I work with men all day so I know what perverts they are. And how often they think about sex. So when it comes to sex, I'm pretty well versed in the expectations they have.

 

[Sighs]

There are always reasons but never excuses. If my vet were to cheat on me then I really wouldn't be interested in hearing about whether it is because of his PTSD or his TBI or any other reason. I would be gone.

If the lying has completely eroded your trust then it really doesn't matter why. Sad for both of you if it is his PTSD that caused it but that doesn't change the fact of the behaviour.

:hug:

 

[dulcia]

I think that hypersexuality may be coming into play. One thing I've noticed with my Vet i...

I don't think it's a sex obsession thing. If anything, I think it is an insecurity/commitment thing. Or a screw people over before they can screw you over situation. We are on the same page sexually. My sex drive is higher than his so if there is any issue there, it's that I'm wanting it more.

What he needs (among other things) is a real and consistent therapist. Not this monthly Skype a shrink sh*t the VA passes off as therapy.

 

[dulcia]

There are always reasons but never excuses. If my vet were to cheat on me then I really wouldn't be inte...

Either way, I don't think PTSD can cause lying. Lying is an active choice that is made. Each and every time.

 

[grimalkin]

Either way, I don't think PTSD can cause lying.

My sufferer, because of the nature of his childhood trauma, will lie as a response, just to get away from the situation. Say whatever it takes to make the stress end. A lot of times he doesn't realize he's doing it until called on it later.

 

[dulcia]

My sufferer, because of the nature of his childhood trauma, will lie as a response, just to get away...

Ah, that's a good point. I apologize for my generalized statement about lying and PTSD.

 

[Nicolette]

because of the nature of his childhood trauma, will lie as a response

Lying is a choice - not a result of childhood trauma. It's a behaviour and not a symptom.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I don't think it's a sex obsession thing. If anything, I think it is an insecurity/commitment thing....

Sounds like he truly does. I know it's frustrating to try and get someone to seek help. And you've been through it so many times between the addict and him. I feel for you Girl.

Has he been in contact lately? Still begging?

 

[dulcia]

Sounds like he truly does. I know it's frustrating to try and get someone to seek help....

Yeah. He had chocolates delivered to the house. He seems adamant about fixing things and not being an ass. He's never been this stuck on being nice or treating me right for this long before. But I am very short tempered with him. I have no patience. Maybe no love? I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Whatever happens, happens, I guess.

 

[dulcia]

Worth noting he's never had anything like that sent to me before. I was surprised to know he even knew where to find and order something like that.