Change Therapists Or Wait It Out?

[Abstract]

Yes we would Pencil. Just because we need things from others and need help doesn't mean that there is nothing we can do to help ourselves too. All of us have at least some tiny capacity for self care in some way. As Donna said, there are things she does know how to do to help herself and that is what she was alluding to. And yes there are lots of reasons why we would still crave others doing for us what we can do ourselves.

It doesn't at all mean it isn't good and fine to need and get help from others for the things we can't do for ourselves.

Its not a black and white issue of, "oh I am able to to do A so therefore I don't need therapy for b, c, d, e, f or g." I think that is part of the thinking that normally has people wanting to pretend they can't do A or to get someone else to do A for them. They split the issue and then become convinced there is no valid reason to get help for b to g unless they fail at A.

 

[Pencil]

Yeah, I know all of that, it's just that - as you know - I am the most isolated person I know, and I have to do absolutely everything for myself. And yet it doesn't feel as though it necessarily making me stronger, more independent, or emotionally more mature. On the contrary, I feel more needy as the years go by, and independence is becoming more of a battle. So, I know the theory, it just doesn't seem to work like that.

 

[Abstract]

I don't think struggling in isolation and without help is conducive to recovery at all. And the theory doesn't state it is either. I think that is the other end of the black and white split.

But I think you need to give yourself credit as you have gained some from your distant interactions with your t. And you are doing the best you can in the circumstances you find yourself in.

And even though some of the things you have recently learned may not be helping you that much now they may well help you tolerate therapy more easily when you do manage to get back into it safely. Or safely enough. Thats what I am aiming for - safely enough. Its never going to be a bed of roses.

 

[Pencil]

Therapy is completely out of the question for me - and of course I'm way off topic again :D

 

[Abstract]

In actual fact if one develops ones A skills and tries to find some way of attempting to learn B then it is much more likely that they would then be able to get successful help with C to G! ;)

I am sure Blackbird will forgive you as she doesn't seem to be using this thread anymore!

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I love when discussions occur in threads. Discuss away :). I was thinking of this thread the other day. I think part of me wondering if it's a good fit with my therapist is because she sees the bigger picture and I'm looking at too many details. I still know that distraction doesn't work when I'm in crisis for me. But I do know that if I'm ok and I feel my thoughts start to distort THAT'S when I'm able to distract myself.

I think my therapist is a good match for me. Sometimes I think she gets the wrong impression of different things as I say them. What I'm finding out is as long as I go back and clarify we're able to get back on track. Sometimes I wish it wouldn't happen as often but it is what it is. And all I can do is clarify. Lately I feel like she's hearing me more and really getting more of what I'm saying. And that's not frustrating like the misunderstandings have been. I'm grateful we're able to clear things up.

 

[Abstract]

What I'm finding out is as long as I go back and clarify we're able to get back on track

And this is an incredibly valuable life skill! For me it helps to see it as just a part of therapy and I think it is. Good for you!

I never got back to you about why distraction just doesn't do it for me personally but some of it is for similar reasons to you. The difference is that I do realise it is important for many people and is considered a coping skill. Its just not one that is presently that useful for me. It may change in the future but I too easily loose myself and go into self destruction if I distract. I know I am supposed to learn skills to think of nature or something pleasant instead of trauma all the time but I am presently not able to do that properly and so it backfires.

she's hearing me more

Yay! I hate misunderstandings.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

And this is an incredibly valuable life skill! For me it helps to see it as just a part of therapy and I think it is. Good for you!

Thank you. But it's tricky because I tend to get angry and frustrated quickly. So if I go over it to clarify it more than once or twice I'm ready start getting sarcastic and impatient. It's a bad habit I know but I can't help it. I don't have a lot of patience and I have a lot of anger under the surface. I don't want to be rude to her but I do end up getting annoyed. And that's hard for me to filter. It's so tempting to be a smart a$$ when I get annoyed.

I know I am supposed to learn skills to think of nature or something pleasant instead of trauma all the time but I am presently not able to do that properly and so it backfires.

I totally get it. It's extremely hard and feels impossible to think of anything other than what's overwhelming you. I once asked my therapist what I should do when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. Like what is an actual coping mechanism I can utilize in that moment? She looked at me and asked if I'd ever looked into knitting. I almost started yelling. And with my past history of cutting putting needles in my hands when I'm overwhelmed with anxiety is probably not a good idea.

 

[maddog]

Finding ways to defuse and/or tolerate overwhelming emotional intensity is actually one of the very few things I have, several times, become really really angry with my therapist about. I have tried and tried and tried to explain how when I have passed over a certain threshold, nothing seems to work or is enough to make my thoughts stronger than my feelings or to make the feelings bearable. I feel as though I'm speaking a foreign language, as though he just doesn't get it or understand the excruciating pain of how bad it can get. And then sometimes I feel as though he is deliberately and stubbornly not hearing me, just on principle, and those are the times I get really angry. It makes me feel frantically petulant and desperate, as though I just want to scream at him "why can't you understand!!"

And I think I've come to realise that that's the point. Nobody who hasn't experienced it really can understand. Everyone knows what painful feelings are, and everyone has felt overcome with a certain feeling, but not like this. When your entire existence feels poisoned by the pain and your complete awareness is boiling over with it, then distraction, acceptance, self soothing and whatever else just don't work... or not for me, not yet anyway.

I know there's a degree of defeatism in feeling the way I do about that, and I do sort of intellectually understand that you just have to keep trying and trying and trying and practicing and practicing and practicing, etc, because there is no magic solution or silver bullet. I guess I'd just hoped that somewhere out there would be the "thing" that would work for me, and so far, I haven't found it either.

I think some of the most tangible steps forward I have made in terms of my relationship with my therapist have arisen from miscommunications, misunderstandings and other bumps in our road. Maybe that's how it is with all relationships, I don't know. But it's an incredibly reassuring thing to experience that you can feel betrayed or angry or scared or insecure or let down or misunderstood or any of the many other things, and yet somehow you can get over it and the relationship can endure. That was a truly foreign concept for me, and one which I would never normally stick around for long enough to find out about. "Absolutely everyone lets you down some time..." my therapist tells me that often, and for a long time I chose to separate him from that sentiment. And then... he let me down. And then... I learned what he meant.

I don't want to suggest that it's all dealt with now, it will never be that simple, but I really have experienced what it is to feel hurt and let down and angry and scared,and then to somehow deal with it and move on, and realise that the relationship is stronger than the let down. That feels kind of magical, in a frightening, fragile kind of way.

Maddog

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

And I think I've come to realise that that's the point. Nobody who hasn't experienced it really can understand. Everyone knows what painful feelings are, and everyone has felt overcome with a certain feeling, but not like this. When your entire existence feels poisoned by the pain and your complete awareness is boiling over with it, then distraction, acceptance, self soothing and whatever else just don't work... or not for me, not yet anyway.

Thank you. You have validated me so much with your post. And especially with this part. When no one can place the solutions to my feelings and reactions in my hand to "fix" it being validated and heard and understood as you have just done is one of a few things that helps me feel better.

I'm so aware that no one here or no therapist anywhere is going to make it better for me. It has to be me. My effort and my work with the guidance and support of other people. No one can do it for me and I can't do it alone. A strange and painful irony.

In that point knowing there are people who really get it and aren't just looking at me with the confused and trying to understand look on their face makes me know I'm not alone in this darkness. There are other people in it too and in that commonality we're helping each other in ways that no one else can. Because we get it. Like really get it.

 

[maddog]

A strange and painful irony indeed Blackbird, you've totally nailed it. Doing the work can, at times, feel like a punishingly lonely journey, when you hit the point of turning knowing into doing, and that point at which you really do realise that the ultimate work has to be yours alone. We, and your therapist, and other supportive people, can cheer from the sidelines, and we will and do, but you still have to run the race. I wish it was different, but if it wasn't, it wouldn't be your victory and your healing.

It helps me too - enormously - to hear my own battle reflected back to me as well, so thank you.

Maddog

 

[DharmaGirl]

If we really could, would we be going for therapy?

hell, no