Chased By Intrusive Visions

[Upside Down Eagle]

The freaking visions won't stop being in my head! All the time I keep seeing my father in my head trying to molest me -and all the time I'm shouting at him (with my thoughts, and whispering -because if I go shouting loud here they'll kick me out) to get the hell out, but he isn't listening.

Comes at me when I try to relax for a second, when nothing in particular is already claiming my attention: makes me want to jump up and run around and punch the walls, makes me want to shake my own brain to see if I can lose it: makes my heart pound at a crazy rate. Makes me hurt myself -by pinching. When I feel the pain, I can come back to reality.

I know the answer to all this is: seek help now. I mailed the EMDR therapist to get an appointment (got a referral from the doc) and she answered me but her sentences were constructed all wrong as if she didn't speak the language. Which makes me immediately mistrust her. What kind of professional can't even write decent sentences?...

This blows. Tomorrow my granddad is visiting me, I haven't seen him in three years but I can't sleep at all and I suposse I'll be taking some heavy-duty medication to help me relax. I'll be a complete zombie when he comes around... man, I would love it if I could just scream like crazy right now.

 

[Leah123]

Oh my, I am sorry you're stuck with such disturbing thoughts in your head. I'm dealing with my dad, he molested me too, stuck in my brain too lately. I see him, very disturbing images, at all the worst moments, I describe those thoughts as chopping up my good days, like an assault. I hope it gets better, I wish I had some insight for you, but all I can say is I understand, and you're not alone.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks, Lea :-) Actually I wasn't molested, that's the freaky part. Makes me feel guilty for even having these kind of unwanted "imaginations". Sometimes I feel I don't have a "reason" to have these things in my head, but they are there anyway!

My parents were just kind of sick, in an emotional way. My mom used to tell me that I "wanted" to be beaten up, that I "liked it" and "asked for more" so she'd "give me what I wanted". Sick... and dad, well he got into a weird phase where he seemed to love subordinating me. Otherwise they routinely humiliated me physically, never raped me though.

How do you deal with those moments when the thoughts assault you...?

 

[Leah123]

Wow, Radise, that is terrible!!! I really really feel for you. I doubt my memory a lot, and sometimes just have to think of the intrusive thoughts as something that deeply bother me, whether tied to memory or not- either way, they're quite disturbing, aren't they! :(

How do I deal with those moments.... that is a question for which I wish I had a better answer. The very ugly truth is that they get in my way. I don't do certain things when those thoughts pop into my head. Other times, I combat them with images of violence lately, hurting my father, kicking him out of memory. Other times, I push, HARD, off to the side of my consciousness so I can make enough mental space for other things. It is a real struggle for me lately. My therapist tells me that to her knowledge, the only way to really defuse them is to share them, specifically, it's a process I've only just started with her, and it's pretty terrifying. Even though... it seems to just say the words, even though x-rated, should not be so hard, I mean... I can imagine saying them, maybe even write them, but they're so deeply repulsive and horrid to me, that it's extremely difficult to feel *safe* sharing them and not so defensive that I might just dissociate or something.

And yes, your parents sound disgusting and sick, and I'm sorry you had the very bad fortune to end up with them.

Oh, and P.S. I tried bringing some music to bed the other night, that helped some, and sometimes try to get my dog to sleep with me if hubby won't, that can help a little- having something important to me, something substantial to focus on.

 

[WillyKat]

Wow. I have similar things regarding my wife and her dad. I get these waves of anger all day long some days (bad yesterday, marginally better today). My abuser was a neighbor. My wife is just unsupportive and her dad, an idiot.

What I think sets me off is the utter inability of my wife (and I think she gets it from her dad) to support me. She negates everything I saw, believe, feel. In her eyes, my therapist is no good, therapy is no good, my ideas are no good. She's stubborn, uncompromising....I could go on.

The connection I think is that these people don't hear me, don't listen, don't understand. And *that* is a big part of my trauma; I was too little to communicate to anyone what had happened to me, and it got completely buried for 15 years.

OK, great. I understand. But why do I have to endure these damn rages some days? Very frustrating.

You're not alone.