Sufferer Childhood Emotional Abuse/neglect

[Pietro]

Looks like we have lots of writers on this thread. I can't say that I'd recommend it as a career path, but its a great skill to have when you need to vent, dig deep, and give your grief and anger words. (I try to describe what I do for a living to my mother: "well, I write books, but instead of them being read by the thousands, mine are sometimes glanced at by individuals."

I'm a wannabe writer -- does that count? ;)

Many of us--maybe even most, maybe even all--at one time did not have words for what happened to us. Maybe so many of us have a gift for words now because we didn't then.

Very eloquent, and, in my case, very possibly true.

Anyway, we all get frustrated and want this to just get fixed...now! I'm sorry to tell you that can't happen. More to the point, it may be counterproductive to try to rush the healing. I agree with Don't Trip, that you need to lay a foundation and that takes very precious commodities: patience, hard work, and understanding people. We can give you the last one and help you with the first two.

It is frustrating, but I do understand, now, that it can't be rushed. I learned this very clearly last weekend -- it was a short episode, but intense. Just a lot of feelings, no images or anything concrete, but it was clear that, if abstract feelings could be that overwhelming, whatever's really lurking down there is not something to be trifled with.

The hard work I don't mind -- it's knowing *what* to do that's sometimes the problem. I certainly appreciate the encouragement, though. At least I don't feel so unique in my issues. :)

 

[Don't trip]

Pietro,
I understand the *what* to do element.

I'm struggling with that too.

If my writing was good enough....

 

[Pietro]

I've learned, with mindfulness techniques, how to allow thoughts and emotions to flow through me and take an observant role. I ask questions about the thoughts and where they might be coming from. Sometimes I just need to feel feelings and let them pass. This is easier said than done and mindfulness is a practice that has taken a long time to become good at.

...again the past beckons me...

@Don't Trip, Thank you for your very kind post. :)

I am just starting to get better at catching the nuances of my feelings and questioning my thoughts, especially the ones that are completely contrary to reason. Seems like I should have started the latter a long time ago, right? I also have learned to suffer through bad feelings, with the understanding that this is a form of processing them.

Much that I've read, here, has resonated with me. It's incredible.

By the way, you said "the past beckons me". I can't count the number of times I've used this exact same phrase, over decades.

 

[Don't trip]

Pietro,

I do understand this. Much of what you write resonates with me. You're able to put into words what I can't.

Frankly, I'm VERY tired of the past beckoning me and it's interesting that this is what you've said to yourself too.

I understand your anger too. If I could put into words how I see that in your posts, I would, but maybe this is good enough. I've been amazed, at becoming aware of my passive aggressive approach at times, or flat out aggressiveness or putting on a mask to hide my emotions and fake that it's all good, how much anger I have.

I've been afraid to acknowledge it, but it manages to come out in other ways, doesn't it?

Personally, I'm snappy, bitchy and annoyed half the time. I do not like feeling this way. At all.

 

[Abelabelabel]

Welcome!

 

[Pietro]

Pietro,

I do understand this. Much of what you write resonates with me. You're able to put into words what I can't.

As far as the past, at least I now know *why* it keeps coming back after me. For two decades, I had no idea.

Anger is not a bad thing. Frankly, I think that it's actually a sign of progress for me to feel this anger, because it's *mine*. No one told me to feel this way; I'm not faking it for anyone. It's a genuine, reasonable emotional reaction to this situation. I want to feel more of it, because it's energizing. It makes me more dedicated to fixing this. Emotions are often deadened by trauma; any sign that mine are coming back is welcome.

I've read that, often, fear of our anger is actually part of the trauma. We determined, when young, that to feel anger against caregivers could equate to losing their love and care. So, we bury the anger and, often, turn it against ourselves instead.

I've gotten very good at screaming like a banshee, in an empty room, in anger about this situation, and about those who set me up for this. It's a big step up from blaming myself, all these years. Hard to do, though, when you have a bunch of children around. (I ready you have 6? That alone could be traumatic ;) . I have two, but they're quite volatile, so they require *a lot* of attention.)

But, most of the time, I'm anxious and depressed, for no good reason. Snappy, bitchy, and annoyed seem like a step up from this. ;)

 

[Don't trip]

LOL!

Pietro,

Volatile? Welcome to my world lol! Yes, six and three grandchildren. I'm told I don't look that old. Nice compliment considering all the trauma and feeling more like seventy. :)

I believe feeling emotions are imperative to recovery. You may well have answered a question for me that continues to be a daunting one with regards to the anger. My 'fight' has been active for quite awhile. I try to channel my emotions into something positive, my problem is consistency. I peter out. It's like a firework dud on the 4th of July. :)

I'm glad you feel that your anger energizes you and I understand this SO well. With the things I've been able to follow through with, my anger has probably created some small successes in my life. It fuels my writing and survivor support, as well as fighting for my health right now. I'm quite a determined lady, quitting chronic abuse addiction and alcohol, literally six weeks apart from one another. I just decided I was done and I've never looked back. I got angry.

I just wish my anger on the issues now, would create a solution. Unfortunately, I've hit a wall.

My anger is still very real and present, however, I've checked out for now. Anger is a great motivator, as is pain, but what I didn't realize is that can lead to burnout. How effing angry can a person be and for how long without the body breaking down?

And all of that fight and stress has created a lot of my health problems. I'm the energizer bunny, I never slowed down.

I hate defeat to PTSD, but I think there are times to throw in the towel and ask for help.

 

[Pietro]

You're absolutely right, Don't Trip -- too much anger is draining. Anger requires a lot of energy. The anger I'm having right now is less the screaming and hitting kind, and more a general recognition that I was done wrong, and I have a right to be upset about it. That's why it's a step up for me -- for most of my life, I just thought it was all me, just my flawed, no-good self. Never allowed for the possibility that I was well-groomed to be miserable.

When the emotions get very intense, though, and it gets like this for a long time, that's dangerous by itself, because, apparently, it can even be re-traumatizing.

I also understand the "consistency" issue. This is one of my pet peeves, actually. ;) Therapists and self-help material are all so self-righteous about the "power of positive thinking" and how doing positive things will help retrain your emotions. If it's that damn simple, why are there so many people here who've been dealing with their issues for *decades*?!

PTSD requires a multi-dimensional approach. Positive thought and activity will have little impact on your recovery if they are hitting against immense walls of emotional protection. Which means, no consistency, because it's discouraging to do things that you've been told will help you, only to find they don't. So you stop doing them, because you're doing something that's immensely difficult for which you're not getting any benefit.

Over time, as you go through release, those walls of obstruction will begin to weaken, and, eventually, positive efforts will be easier to maintain, and will be able to help expedite recovery.

This weekend, I haven't done much. I've done a lot of reading and writing, and caught-up on some sleep. Usually, I do this because I'm depressed. But today was different -- I simply wanted a peaceful, quiet day, which I haven't had in months. I *planned* this, and I haven't really felt depressed. I actually did something to take care of myself, and I don't feel guilty for it -- possibly a first.

In short, you can't force or expedite by *doing* anything that would supposedly counter the bad feelings. So don't feel so bad if you're not consistent, right now. I think that, at this stage, introspection, and working through the "why's" about how we feel about things, is most important, because solving these will help make the *doing* part much easier.

OK, I runneth-off at the mouth. ;)

 

[MomOfTwo]

Welcome to the forum.:)

 

[Carla Martin]

Hi, Welcome! I am new here also. Just in a few days I have learned so much here and talked to some very nice helpful people. Hope you like it here!

 

[Pietro]

Hi Carla,

Welcome as well. :) It has been helpful here -- I don't feel like such an alien now! Hope things are going well for you.

 

[Carla Martin]

Thank you!!! and I know what you mean! I have never met anyone that has PTSD or even really knew anything about it until last night..Its been a blessing for sure :)