Nope, not a writer, at least not professionally. I've been writing, though, since I was a kid.
I think it's just that we are dealing with the same issues. These days, I spend an enormous amount of time working through my issues -- reading, journaling, therapy, meditation, observation, etc. -- so that I've acquired some insight into this stuff. And a lot of opinions. ;)
Here's an opinion you may or may not disagree with, especially since you probably know a lot more about this: BPD is simply a set of behaviors created by mental survival mechanisms, caused by certain types of trauma. Just like co-dependency, one of my major issues. We were emotionally neglected and/or abused from infancy. We didn't know that we had specific, identifiable problems until much later. And now we're trying to deal with them.
Just because we've chosen to deal with them does not mean that the path to recovery is easy and methodical. In fact, this has been one of the most difficult parts for me -- I wanted a formula for working towards recovery, but no one could give me one. And all of the damned self-help books are great at profiling, but completely fail in providing effective suggestions and techniques for healing. So, we are dealing with a malady, imposed upon us by others, that no one really understands well. So, we have to be pioneers, trying everything and anything until we find what works.
For me, I've finally decided to stop beating myself up for all the things I don't or can't get done because it's emotionally difficult, right now. I've also decided I don't care about pissing people off because I don't keep-up with them as I should. That's laying a lot of heavy baggage on myself, on top of all the sh** I'm trying to get rid of from the past, and won't help me at all. Very simply, I'm going to focus on myself and my needs for the first time in my life.
Everything you describe about yourself, all of the issues you've been facing, are related to your trauma and/or BPD. We behave the way we do, not because we don't care, but because we're compelled to -- but we're trying to change. I've embraced my "insanity". Doesn't mean that I like it or want it permanently, but I'm finally beginning to accept that this is who I am, at the moment, and the hell with the rest of the world if they can't deal with it.
I sympathize with you. I think you have to accept that these things in your life occur not because you are flawed, but because you are *injured*, and, furthermore, it was done by others, whether through neglect and carelessness, or sheer malice. This is the basic leap I've been able to make, recently. I'm finally beginning to stop hating myself. Not 100% there yet, but getting closer.
As far as "authority figures", I don't like them either. My authority figures as a child weren't great or trustworthy, so that's what I learned. To trust authority is to sacrifice your identity and freedom. Over time, however, I've learned to compromise on this more. ;)
There's a lot more I could write -- I understand everything you are saying and have been through it, at least to some degree. Don't give-up. It does get better. Be true to yourself and embrace who you are -- every strength and every flaw. Own them all, as if they are your children, and deal with them in exactly the same way -- with love, guidance, and nurturing. :)
