Childhood Children Who Witness Violence Against A Parent

[The Albatross]

Neglected to say also... since I'm being candid about it... that it also made me a suicidal child and teen (around 11 to 15) and I experimented with cutting, alcohol and pot. I also stole my mother's meds and self medicated until I could emancipate myself which I did at 17. The domestic situation and my mother's self medicating put SUDS into play for me because I was not allowed out of the yard or the house by my father unless I was working. I was a maid at 11 and babysat as much as I could to get out of the home. They both drank. I could not remove myself so I numbed out with cutting, suicidal ideation and some attempts, occasionally booze or pot. As a result, I am a "co-occurring behaviors" sort (the lowest prognosis for recovery): PTSD and Substance Use Disorder Syndrome. But I have worked like hell to beat my prognosis. In spite of my family of origin and domestic violence... not really because of them.

 

[The Albatross]

Glad you got out of it. You do not elaborate on your daughter's situation other than saying you don't have a relationship. I expect that she may come to terms with it (depending on her age) at some point in her life. Most all of us do... some of us have to.

 

[greenleaf]

This thread brings up a ton of stuff for me, and I can feel my muscles getting crunchier second by second; I am trying to be good to my body at the moment... so rather than going into what happened with my mother I will paste this link to a video with Patrick Stewart.

Patrick Stewart's mother was frequently abused by his father, and Stewart tried to stop it, as a child. It is hard to intellectually describe what I get from listening to him but he must have just done so much painful work on these issues, perhaps because he also loves very strongly. I choose to think of that as a choice we can make.

I just very very strongly urge people to watch this, if you haven't already...

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way...stewarts-strong-words-about-domestic-violence

 

[The Albatross]

@greenleaf - that should go into media, thanks for sharing it.

 

[SabrinaB]

@greenleaf thank you for sharing the video link. And thank you all for so bravely telling your own stories. There's much power in the seemingly simple act of truthtelling.

 

[WildMermaid]

I was a ghost girl from a brutal home, violence daily, suicidal from age 5 to Dec. 18, the year i turned 15. I feel your pain @sun seeker :hug:

 

[moonbeam]

That is horrible Sunseeker.

I witnessed my mother have violence against her and I know that there is some I don't remember. I wish it was something that we had talked about at some point but we never have and I don't think we ever will. I wish we could talk about what he did to her, and us. But we can't. That chapter of her life is closed and she won't ever look back at it.

 

[sun seeker]

I witnessed my mother have violence against her and I know that there is some I don't remember.

Trust yourself. (It sounds like you do - I'm just adding a voice of support.)

I forget how old my daughter was when we first talked openly about this. Early teens maybe? Anyway, she was grateful to know because she said she always had a vague sense of something like this happening but thought it was impossible so she didn't believe herself.

Before that, I don't know, I sort of thought I wasn't supposed to say anything bad about her father in front of her.

 

[sun seeker]

It's interesting that so far most of the responses to this thread are from the point of view of the child witnessing violence. That's important too, and I value the chance to hear about your experiences and the painful effects, hard as it is. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take all the pain away. Through hearing about your experiences I am connecting more to how hurt my daughter is, and how I contributed to that by being weak. I wish I could go back and change that now. At the time, the reality was there wasn't much more I could have done than what I did. It's more wishing I could go back and live my life then with the level of healing I have now. Sigh.

I just wonder where the other parents are...? Maybe they'll chime in at some point.

 

[WildMermaid]

@sun seeker aw sweet person yes your daughter may be damaged, but that will be on her to come forward about. My mom was a very abused girl and when she became pregnant with me she did not know how to mother herself much less her own child. We both in essence grew up in terror and abuse, and while I'm not saying it was easy eventually we loved each other dearly. We still had issues, and did up to the last year of her short life. She did what she could as a parent, she failed a lot, but hell so do I as a parent now. She instilled in me a love of books and music and that fierce wild unbroken nature. I love her dearly and we survived (in most ways) living hell. I do hope that parents come forward in the way you hope and it gives a sense of clarity. You don't have to keep things vague unless that is self protecting and you need it. I wish you peace and healing and kindness to yourself. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you so much for your kind and generous words @Glitterkitty. I don't feel like I deserve them, but that is something I need to work on.

 

[WildMermaid]

You deserve every one @sun seeker this whole survival thing is rough sometimes. Being a parent is even rougher job some years ;) . PTSD is just an intense addition to the chaos of life. Please be kind to yourself and also try and have a dialog with your daughter when and if you can. If you can't and you've given it your best, forgive yourself and move on. :hug: