Christmas Brings Up Much Worse

[new gamma rays]

In two successive Christmas seasons I was forcibly hospitalized by my parents which led to two stays in a bleak scary involuntary mental health 'hospital'. I have not really dealt with any of this trauma. Just being in my house, and it being this time of year makes me anxious. But today my parents bought a Christmas tree and I think its going to set me off even more.

Its painful just seeing Christmas lights and other things, but I can suppress that. But eventually it hits somewhere and the rage I have over the injustice that happened breathes pretty close to the surface for me.

Today my parents bought a Christmas tree and I want to throw it over the fence. Its that much of a trigger for me. It was one of the last memories I have before everything horrible happened and I was hospitalized back in 2010: my parents buying a Christmas tree. I can only repress so much and I've had to for a very long. Now the fact that I spent that special time in a f*cking jail is going to start overwhelming me. Damnit.

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I have had to deal with a lot of rage and when I would feel it physically, the only thing that helped was to get it out safely - running or walking quickly, speed bag - whatever I could do as quickly and conveniently as possible.

Pressing it down will only work temporarily. It seemed to gather energy over time when I suppressed it. It is a tremendous energy that demands release. Please find a way to get that out safely.

 

[untiltoday]

Parents pushing the exact buttons: yes, I experience this very often. My mother in particular "forgets" the exact things I ask her to avoid or quit, in how she interacts with me. Or she gives me the exact thing (like this Xmas tree) that I expect her to know the details of why I do not want whatever it is. Avoiding her helps, but it usually provokes more guilt-trips.

I guess I'm trying to say I can understand parent issues. :/ Would it be possible to explain how the tree makes you angry and if it's possible to move it?

If not: I'm not sure what will help, but maybe avoiding the room with the Xmas tree might help? I'm not meaning this in a sarcastic way, but as a person who grew up with hoarding-parents: avoiding the "bad" rooms was the best thing, even when it left me with only my room and (for basic survival) the bathroom or kitchen. Today, I don't even own a key to their house. :/

 

[Seasounds]

Yep, understand. It may be an empowering action, to toss the tree.

 

[new gamma rays]

I guess I'm trying to say I can understand parent issues. :/ Would it be possible to explain how the tree makes you angry and if it's possible to move it?

If not: I'm not sure what will help, but maybe avoiding the room with the Xmas tree might help? I'm not meaning this in a sarcastic way, but as a person who grew up with hoarding-parents: avoiding the "bad" rooms was the best thing, even when it left me with only my room and (for basic survival) the bathroom or kitchen. Today, I don't even own a key to their house. :/

The tree's not that big of a problem I guess. Maybe because of my experiences I've come to just numb and block out the whole holiday experience. Not a very fun strategy, but it almost seems to happen automatically. But then something comes to tip the balance, and its usually my mom. I don't have a safe way to let off that energy. I would go in the garage and kick things but I don't even have the energy for that. And when I do get upset my mom is the first one on me. It has really come close to my parents calling the crisis line, because any argument inevitably dredges up more trauma for me - and my parents denial of it.

But @untiltoday I know what you mean. Almost every room is a 'bad' room for me - i.e. feels unsafe based on what happened in the house. I would so love to have this house back, because I hate staying holed up in my room all day.

 

[untiltoday]

@new gamma rays Yes, I completely get the whole parents in denial thing. :p It makes me think it's common in dysfunctional families (which they put together as parents).

For example: Right now, I'm in some serious therapy-time. I kept it a secret from my parents, until a sibling mentioned it to them. Now they know and it's a lot like turning up the heat on a pot of water: I'm getting more mess from my mom, in particular. I expected it, which is why I avoided it. But I'm just trying to avoid things. Not the best way, but no one in this family will EVER directly talk to the other person without boiling over. *sigh*

Sorry for the rambling, but I really do get the dynamic of being seen as "the ONE" who has all the problems. But good luck with the family/holiday time stuff! I'll be doing about the same thing as you (I live in my head and think about other things). But if it gets you through, it gets you through... Just make sure to do something for yourself later! :tup:

 

[new gamma rays]

Yeah, its not so much the holidays bringing it up, as just me having a lot of flashback in this house and not being able to get away from it. And having a lot of stress building up at the same time. But there are specific triggers too, and like you I cannot have a conversation with either of my parents when I am triggered and talking about the trauma without shouting - and that just causes my dad to shout back. It reached a pretty horrible point yesterday almost to the point where my dad picked up the phone and was going to call somebody, and I think it just took a bite out of my energy and my brain. I feel pretty numb afterward.

 

[Lucycat]

@new gamma rays , I hope it is not triggering to ask, but why did they get you hospitalised? Did they fear for your or their safety? Were they acting maliciously or out of (mis)guided kindness? What grounds did the psychiatrist have for keeping you there?

I can see that Christmas and the hospital are a fearful combination for you - but what about them? Is it also a time of painful memories for them and they are trying to get through it by acting 'normally' - like getting the tree? When Christmas is well gone - not just by these few days - will you be able to let them know how it has all made you felt, in order to prevent an action replay next year?

It might sound like I am being unsympathetic, and I don't mean to. I am not fond of Christmas myself, as it is a huge trigger. However I cannot hide from it. I just try to protect myself from the worst, and participate at a minimal level.