Circling The Drain

[Bill Dickerson]

I've been spiraling down for the last couple of months. I thought I had a plan but it seems to be falling apart. I seem to to be losing my direction and falling further and further into that abyss.

Thought I was going to be able to move with my Mom to the country but it feels like I'm going backwards. The more I move in that direction the more she seems to move away from it. I've had it worked out in detail. I thought I would have a place to be. Somewhere quiet. She only says she will move for short periods of time. I think it just because she doesn't know what else to say.

I don't think I can pretend anymore that it will happen. It was all that seemed to keep me going. A goal felt good but the harder I try the further away it seems. The pretending isn't enough to sustain me anymore. In the Spring I had hopes. I was spending my money to fix up the house for selling and I had a purpose. Now I try every so often to do something but my heart is no longer into it. It seems I just stay in bed more and more. Now the little money I have been able to save I've had to use to keep my Sister her Husband and Granddaughter in food and housing.

I even did the last ditch thing of trying a gofundme site but nobody wants to help a mean old ex-cop who doesn't get along with anybody. Can't blame them I guess.

I have to take care of my Mom so I'm kind of stuck. Of course she is the reason I have a roof over my head. Disability doesn't pay enough for me to exist on my own. When's she's gone I won't even have a roof over my head.

Suicide isn't an option it's too hurtful for everyone except me but I sometimes wish I just wouldn't wake up. I'm tired just tired of the struggle. I'd be mad a G-d but I doubt it would help me feel any better. I'm tired of being angry and I'm tired of pretending not to be.

 

[Goobernubber]

Then be angry. Pretending drives us into hell. What's so wrong with angry? I like angry sometimes. We never get afraid of happy. Or fear that happy will never end. Or try to be anything other then happy when we are. What's the difference between them, aside from the obvious? We are angry so let's just be angry for now. It's ok.
Isn't what matters is the way we deal with angry? Or happy for that matter. That's what our therapists are for.
As for angry ex cop, sounds a lot like angry old man (or woman) and so what? Something happened. And you handle it exactly the way you are wired to handle it. Your doing ok. Have faith, keep going and do the next right thing for you. Never, never, never give up!

 

[Ghostybear73]

Could it be that you have depression? It sounds like you do and it's the "depression and suicidal ideation". Is it possible it was moved for the depression and not suicidal ideation.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I understand how difficult it is to keep moving forward when the hope/goal you had is gone. I don't know about you, but I am tired of being tired as well.

Take care of yourself

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Goobernubber no offense but you sound happy to be angry. I'm angry and I've been dealing with it for 10 years. I'm a helluva long way from OK. Anger will destroy you. What is (Something Happened). It sounds like I went to the grocery store and then I was angry for 10 years....?

If you are OK with angry ....cool ....but I want angry but happier eventually.

P.S. If you find a Therapist with happy magic JuJu let me know.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Depression is a given. I don't think I've ever heard of PTSD without the depression. I want to be in a better place with my depression. I've done better I know it's possible I've been there. I just feel myself slipping down into that abyss. I remember being told just get up everyday and act as normal as possible and one day you will be better. I'm tired of pretending it's just not helping. Feels like I am setting myself up for the fall. ....No goals = no hope...

 

[Ghostybear73]

Yep and like me, you get up everyday, put on a face and pretend to be someone you are not so that you fit into the societal norm. You will continue to do that until you find some other goal to replace the one you lost. I have yet to find that, but I have kids so I get up and do the whole thing in hopes that one day I will feel like I'm living for me and not for the rest of the world.

I understand the world you are living in and I'm sorry you are stuck in that same rut.

:(

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Things are a little better today my Ex-wife needed a babysitter on short notice and she brought her 2 1/2 year old foster kid over. He's a real good kid and I always shake things off when I'm around my kids and her fosters. I think many folks can shift their issues to the back burner when they deal with their kids. Not sure how long it will last but it's a little better for the time being.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Unfortunately I've started circling again. Just staying in bed. My Mom had a problem at the grocery store today and it seems she bounced a check.

I'm very frustrated right now. I've explained to her the house and insurance is no longer covered by the SS check. I told her I've been explaining this for the last 6 months that I've been paying the light bill, the phone bill, and most of the groceries.

I gave her a 100 I had stashed around the house and explained to her I have to pay the credit card for my sister car repairs in addition to all this other so she can't spend any money for awhile.

I explained again that is why I've been trying to get her to move. I'm so frustrated now. It seems no matter how many times I explain it to her she just doesn't grasp the issues.

I'm feeling very trapped right now. I missed my last couple of therapist dates and my appointments for my body doctor follow ups. I'm tired. I can't think of any reason to get out of bed. I keep hoping tomorrow will be better but it just the same. I ask myself why get out of bed and can't come up with a reason.

Seems I set my Mom down every few months and tell her we can move but I'm not going to even try if she isn't willing to do so. She always says yes and then day by day she seems to back further and further out.

I am at the why try point.