Co Dependent Relationship

[Virtues]

I am in a co dependent relationship with my youngest daughter. She is 5 and handicapped. I think that is the reason I allow her to cling to me (because I feel needed). I am at a point in my life where PTSD has caused me to lose my career and I am feeling next to useless except when she needs me. This 5 year old holds an incredible amount of sway over me. She can ground me when I meltdown. She subconsciously knows my cues and starts to cling to me (as an early warning sign) before I have a panic attack. I have jokingly started to refer to her as my PTSD dog, because in an essence she serves the same functions.

This is all cute and everything, but I'm not sure how healthy it is for the weight of my sanity to ride on the shoulders of a 5 year old girl. Does anyone else have co dependency issues with their children? If so what are some of the steps you have taken to establish loving but healthy boundaries?

 

[scout86]

I'm not much good at relationships, so I don't want to venture an opinion on whether that's codependent or not. It seems to me that she's 5 and she's your daughter. She DOES need you. You have every right to feel needed because you ARE needed.

So maybe you need her too? As long as you're willing to put her needs, as a little kid ahead of your own, I'm not sure there's anything wrong with you needing her and giving HER the chance to feel needed too.

There's a lot of people around here who are better at this stuff than I am. I might be totally wrong.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am not sure that it is possible to be in a co-dependent relationship with a 5 year old. An older child yes, but unless you are expecting your 5 year old to meet your needs and putting pressure on her to do so, I find this hard to accept. I think as long as you are putting her needs before yours and you are being the parent, not the other way around, I don't see this as being harmful.

My big clue is that you are actually concerned about it. Someone who was neglecting their child and putting the child in the position of the parental role, wouldn't be. That is called neglect and parentification, not co-dependency.

 

[Virtues]

Well it certainly does my heart good to hear this. This is what my Social Worker told me, and it's been bugging me all day (her words not mine). I'm not sure I understand what she meant by a co dependent relationship, but I definitely put my daughter first before myself. I just feel guilty that I use her like I would a therapy animal. I am always concerned about her welfare and when the Social Worker told me this it really brought me down a notch.

 

[Fadeaway]

If this happened to be a CPS social worker by any chance, that is a documented tactic to gaslight parents. Just so you know.

 

[Virtues]

If this happened to be a CPS social worker by any chance, that is a documented tactic to gaslight paren...

"gaslight" what do you mean?

 

[scout86]

I actually think it's kind of interesting that she notices when you're starting to have problems. And then that she's NOT afraid to reach out to you. So obviously you aren't reacting in a way she finds threatening. And then you notice and respond accordingly. And do your best to handle things. I don't see anything wrong with that. She sounds like a sensitive kid who loves and trusts her dad and wants to help. And you're paying attention. Seems cool to me! Like you're a team.

A co-dependent relationship, I think, is more an unhealthy one where one party kind of needs to keep the other "sick" so they feel needed. So, maybe if you tried to keep your little girl a little girl forever, so she would always need you, THAT would be "co-dependent"? (I might have the definition wrong.)

 

[Fadeaway]

"gaslight" what do you mean?

Screw with your mind. There was a recent thread that linked to a really good article on it. It is mostly done by partners or parents but family courts use this tactic too.

 

[seedling]

I think it's OK to need our children's help in whatever capacity they are able to offer it.

I think it's good if you thank her for her help and acknowledge what it is she does for you. Some people think that parents should (there's that word!) always be the strong ones and show no weakness in front of their children. I think that we live together the best we can and help each other in our own ways for the good of the family as a whole.

I saw a program a long while ago about a child born to two parents with Downs syndrome. The parents were high functioning and capable, but, as their child got a little older, he was able to do things they weren't. They obviously all loved and respected each other.

Maybe the key is to respect your daughter for what she does for you. There's no need to be embarrassed about it. Give her her due.

 

[seedling]

weight of my sanity

I think this is a cognitive distortion.
Your sanity rides on your shoulders and you get help from her sometimes to stay well. That's OK.

This is all cute and everything

Another cognitive distortion?
Because she's five we adults see her behavior as "cute." If it were another adult it wouldn't seem that way. What she's giving is honest human comfort. That's OK too.

She is a treasure:)

 

[shimmerz]

gaslight - crazy talk presented to victim as the honest to god's truth for the purpose of having victim question the validity of their own thoughts. Insidious abusive behaviour.

 

[Virtues]

The best way I can describe our relationship is, she is the left foot and I am the right. Where I am strong she is weak and where I am weak she is strong. She was born left side hemiplegic cerebral palsy; I have PTSD/TBI. I am her physical strength and she is my charm and ray of sunshine. When she needs to be picked up, it is my arms she runs to. When I have shut out the world and closed my shell it's her that pulls me out.

I do need to give her more credit. She is absolutely amazing. Shame on me for being guilt tripped into believing that our relationship is one sided.