I'm realizing I'm co-dependent in relationships

[mszl]

I suspect that I’m co-dependent in my relationship with my wife. Looking back, it seems that all my relationships with people were more or less co-dependent. I’ve been educating myself on the topic and the symptoms match. This would also explain many of the problems I’ve encountered in life. I will need to discuss this with my therapist.

 

[DarkVixen]

I suspect that I’m co-dependent in my relationship with my wife. Looking back, it seems that all my relationships with people were more or less co-dependent. I’ve been educating myself on the topic and the symptoms match. This would also explain many of the problems I’ve encountered in life. I will need to discuss this with my therapist.

The best part is now you see it, now you can change it.

 

[Ecdysis]

Becoming less co-dependent is a long journey... It's kind of like an addiction... It takes a long time to work on. Just "realising" you're an alcoholic, for example, is important but it's 1% of the journey.

As we can't just abstain fully from human contact, simply "stopping" co-dependent behaviour isn't how it happens, imo. Instead, I think over time, you learn to engage in it less and less, mainly by trial and error.

Changing the dynamics with your wife may prove challenging, because over the years, your co-dependent behaviour has reinforced this dynamic. Usually, if you start changing this, you'll meet with resistance and protest.

It's good if you have the support of your therapist. And ideally, if you can get your wife to be on board with "changing our dynamic to a healthier one".

 

[Muttly]

It's a good realization. Talking with your therapist about it is an important step.

I have no idea if this would be a good idea, but have you thought about talking with your wife about this?

 

[mszl]

I have no idea if this would be a good idea, but have you thought about talking with your wife about this?

I have no idea as well. First, I want to confirm my suspictions. During therapy we didn't talk much about my relationship in marriage. Also my wife is going through tough time as well. I want to tread carefully

 

[beaneeboo]

I read this and have a completely different take on it...

I think co-dependency runs along a spectrum... and clearly at one extreme, it can be unhealthy in a relationship... but I think also having some level of dependency in relationships is how it's supposed to be and being reliant, leaning on, having a bit of blind trust is how it's supposed to be... (one part of me knows this, the rest really don't lols... so I can talk the talk )... but maybe this is something different to what you're talking about..

I guess I'm playing devil's advocate here and I'm thinking when does a relationship become co dependent in a negative way... and when is being dependent a normal part of the relationship, as leaning on each other to some extent should be? Where's the line? And maybe that's a useful thing to consider. Looking at behaviours / feelings and mapping out what feels healthy and what's not, or potentially not. Being together with someone for a long time becomes complicated. Lives become enmeshed. Sometimes there are good things about that. And often there are less good things about that. For me I've had to step back and take stock of both the good bits and bad bits to have a more truthful representation of the state of my relationship and my level of dependency. Because, as partners have told me, what I've considered to be me being co-dependent, others may consider to be a normal healthy part of the relationship... but that's where it gets a bit mind f*cky. Because that's about judgement and trust (for me)..

I'm aware I may just be highlighting my lack of understanding on this matter and terribile lack of experience .. in which case feel free to ignore

 

[Friday]

I think co-dependency runs along a spectrum... and clearly at one extreme, it can be unhealthy in a relationship... but I think also having some level of dependency in relationships is how it's supposed to be and being reliant, leaning on, having a bit of blind trust is how it's supposed to be... (one part of me knows this, the rest really don't lols... so I can talk the talk )... but maybe this is something different to what you're talking about..

The psychobabble term for the healthy side of the spectrum, for the synergy of 1+1=3; where each person is more themselves, inside of the relationship, rather than less, is “interdependent”.

So, yep! That’s a thing, where intense emotional bonding is good. One doesn’t have to become cold/distant/removed to be not-codependent (although that’s also an option?), nor entirely independent.

 

[mszl]

It's unfortunately unhealthy, a bit toxic one:

Consistently putting others’ needs before your own
Difficulty recognizing and expressing your own emotions
A deep-seated need for approval and fear of rejection
Self-sacrifice to the point of neglecting your own needs
Feeling compelled to take care of people
Having trouble communicating honestly
Fixating on mistakes
Feeling a need to be liked by everyone
An excessive sense of responsibility for the actions of others
Difficulty making decisions without others
A tendency to become involved in relationships where you are ‘rescuing’ the partner
Feeling resentful when your efforts aren’t recognized or reciprocated

It checks with all the points above unfortunately.

Becoming less co-dependent is a long journey...

The more I learn here and self reflect, the longer my journey becomes.
I guess, you folks on this forum are my fellowship of the ring.