General Codependency

[ISupportHer]

I know that there have been other threads, including a very concise one by Nicolette. But those of you with AOL may have seen this as one of the "articles" that rotate when you log in. I just thought I'd post as a reminder. After all, we all should probably re-evaluate ourselves from time to time as we deal with our relationships. I have changed a few words so that I am lot lifting something word for word that may be copywrited.

Here somet signs of codependency:

• Having difficulty making decisions your relationship with your sufferer.
• Having difficulty identifying your own feelings
• Having difficulty communicating your relationship
• Valuing the approval of others more that valuing yourself
• Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
• Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
• Having an unhealthy dependence on your relationship, even at your own cost
• Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

I see this as kind of a fluid thing. That the severity can ebb and flow and that probably anyone can identify with some of this at some time in their life. But it should not be overwhelming. And if one DOES see themselves as hitting all these points, then use it. Not as an item to sink further in with worry, but as a way to identify how you can help yourself, and then that helps the sufferer.
ISH

 

[amethist]

I have to admit that the last of these points has been my biggest issue. Hopefully not anymore, or should I say not as much as in the past. Maybe even to a small extent, the one before this has raised it's head occasionally, but not to the extent of total dependence.

Hubby now has to take responsibility for his own actions, no matter what they are, not making me feel as if his actions are my fault, making me responsible. If that makes sense.

The others though have been an issue to some degree in the past, especially with my mum and my ex husband. Though I think I can honestly say they are not an issue at all now. Could be the reason I have almost let go of all my close family, apart from my daughters, because of not being able to follow their rules of how they think I should be and live. They do not own me they do not control me, (Though they have tried) I am not a sheep and will not follow like one, just to satisfy them. They did not like it because I had that independent streak, and would not let them tell me how to live. They could not tell me I could not do that, because I would, just to show them I could.

Maybe this has all taught me good lessons for my life as it is now.

 

[IvyMillie]

These are good reminders. I think especially for people that come from dysfunction to start with. Early in my marriage I was very co-dependant. However, being married to someone who isolates himself and expects me to take care of myself, I've been forced to become more dependant on myself.

In a weird way his PTSD has made me more independant and over the years less of a co-dependant. I don't think I wanted to be co-dependant but I had extreme fear of rejection stemming from my childhood. I've sort of gotten used to all the small doses of refection I've had to take and deal with.

I think too that the people I've seen that are co-dependant kind of get something back--some kind of emotional satisfaction from the relationship. My husband is not emotionally supportive at all, so I can't depend on him really.

It is a hard cycle to break. I think there must be a healthy medium in a relationship somehow. As we do want to need and care about each other, it just has to be in a healthy way. I wouldn't say our relationship is healthy really, but I think it's the best we can do for now.

Thanks for the reminders.

 

[May1321]

Not as an item to sink further in with worry, but as a way to identify how you can help yourself

So true... but then I find myself on this rampage of self-fixing and feel like sometimes I need to stop and breathe a bit before I self fix myself right out of relationships just due to the sake of my constant overanalyzing of my being :eek: :confused:

It is a hard cycle to break. I think there must be a healthy medium in a relationship somehow

I believe this too, Ivy. There MUST be a healthy medium somehow! Lately I have to ask myself if it's a matter of keep looking or be patient and continue to practice my dependence as (he) seems to reciprocate best when I have my independant days. Next to that, however, is learning to just enjoy my independence as if (he) was or wasn't a part of my life and maybe I won't find myself "trying" so hard to give him space so that he's more comfortable and forth coming despite the PTSD.

I think my biggest fear - which comes up just because of his ways of teasing/level of self-esteem - is that he'll think I'm not as 'into him' because I am out enjoying my life and will do something in retaliation which in the end hurts me because he's trying to "fill his void".... How do you make someone who cannot absorb the affection you do share due to their illness see that you care even when you are taking care of yourself? Or do you just say, my responsibility, your responsibility. Hmmmm... there I go analyzing again :cautious: Better get back to work ;)

 

[ISupportHer]

So true... but then I find myself on this rampage of self-fixing and feel like sometimes I need to stop and breathe a bit before I self fix myself right out of relationships just due to the sake of my constant overanalyzing of my being :eek: :confused:

This is good. Good that you can do this. For me, years into this, I also have an awareness that every thing doesn't work ALL the time. A TH told me in, hmmmm 2008 or 2009, that I should just take a deep breath and take the time to think of it all, look at options. I was like, are you F'in kidding me? Take a deep breath? In the middle of all the mayhem, I stop and take a deep breath? LOL It absolutely did not work for me then.

But I don't thing anything should just be discarded and never looked at again. Some of it is gaining knowledge and experience. Anyway, When it works for me, I am appreciative, when it doesn't, I try to go on to something else.

ISH

 

[May1321]

In the middle of all the mayhem

My middle initials literally spell MAYHAM.... :p

It seems like sometimes we need to spiral to whatever length our strings are before we can bungee ourselves back up... Drives me crazy when someone tells me to take a deep breath in the middle of my "crisis" whatever it may be... for 1) I hate holding anything in because I think it makes things worse... therefore why I constantly promote writing now vs. "breathing" when I see my friends spiraling.... When I'm spiraling, the primary words coming out of someone's mouth being "breathe" are like asking me if it's "that time?" :mad:... anyway... 2) exactly why pausing in the middle sometimes disadvantages us from reevaluating, putting all the cards on the table, and having that chance to "discard" (so we aren't doubled up in rage later on...) .... And give us the chance to more quickly climb back to the top of our strings.

I truly believe the more we know, the shorter our strings get, but we've got to allow ourselves to spiral so that when we are able to start acknowledging that we are feeling out of control, be it angry, codependent, pushy, emotional, whatever... we are able to take that side step, or step back, vs. barrelling through and regretting the same ol' actions all over again.

Life is a dance... Self awareness and responsibility are actually not as scary as I've found they've become more rewarding as I've gotten better at dancing ;)

 

[LAA]

"Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others"

This one is my issue too, Amethist. It is a hard one for me to avoid as I have 5 children and a husband who has been very dependent for awhile now. The stress I have felt when he has been "out and about" has been overwhelming. I was always worried that a call would come out and it would be my husband, in a fight, or road rage or worse.

I look back to the month before things finally worked out for the treatment clinic and I don't know how I worked or even stayed sane. I deal with a lot of calls that are the result of PTSD or some other issue that causes similar behavior and then I was coming home to the same thing. It didn't really help discourage this trait I have when his doctors put me on Family Medical Leave to take care of him. The doctor actually scolded me for not locking away everything sharp when D started cutting. I told him that D is an adult and if he wants to cut himself, he could simply get in the car and go but a steak knife. It wasn't that I didn't care, I had just realized that really, I can't control what he does. I thought that was maybe a big step for me, but the psychologist thought otherwise I guess.

So, I did lock everything in the big gun safe...made cooking dinner a joy having to get the key and punch in the code to get a knife. Then after he knew he is going to the clinic, there he was in the big safe making sure I hadn't scratched any of the guns! He had led me to believe I had the only key (I hid it at work) and all along he had a spare in the other safe! I don't really know why but that really angered me, made me feel stupid. I listened to the doctor but it didn't matter anyway, he is going to always find a way to do what he wants anyway.

I am hoping that things will different for him after this, he sounds so much better and has never really counseled before so I am hopeful. I need to remember when he comes home not to take back all that he has had to do for himself since he's been gone.

LAA

 

[May1321]

I think one of my biggest "signs" are regret, guilt and anger revolving activities and relationships.

When I start to feel like I'm not accomplishing anything for myself and I start to get angry with whomever because they are sucking up so much of my time, money, sleep, whatever it may be. If I try to 'do my own thing' they make me feel guilty which makes me angrier. I've realized this a lot with friendships/relationships in the past and it's a tough pill to swallow but that the responsibility was my own... my actions, the result being my feelings therefore boundaries.