Cognitive Processing Therapy And Slowing Down?

[Chava]

Did you hear back after leaving your message? It's so great that you were able to take that step.

I'm finding that a big part of the real deal is letting my therapist know how I'm actually doing. I used to do therapy sort of like I was taking some kind of continuing education course...just being a good student. It's not really like that (I do make a very good student but this approach to therapy did not work for me). It's really hard though, I know. It's really hard for me to trust others and I fear people affirming my own beliefs that maybe I'm terrible or broken beyond repair. And like @stenni I really am expert at masking how I'm feeling...or not feeling.

It was hard to tell my therapist about my self injury because I worried she'd panic and think I needed a hospital when really I was just having a horrible day and feeling extremely on edge. Luckily she doesn't over-react but doesn't ignore that stuff either. Would you be okay telling your therapist you are having urges to self-harm? As a way of telling her how overwhelmed you are?

In the meantime, are you able to find anything that helps you? Music is good for me. And with self-injury urges, sometimes slow but challenging and mindful exercises help (like resistance, Pilates, some yoga). Sometimes it helps to squeeze my arms too, like I'm hugging the crap out of them but not hurting them. Or wrapping my torso pretty snug in a little blanket. Basically compression therapy. But I know different things work for different people. It's helpful to find ways to at least lessen the intensity when overwhelmed...and stay safe...

I think you're doing a short or predetermined amount of therapy, right? Can you ask her if there is a way you can slow down even with what you have? It's very helpful that you do understand this is hard work no matter what, but it does seem like your body is telling you to slow down...and a big part of healing is learning how to listen to our bodies and respect them versus continually override them and bury our feelings way way deep and locked away. All of this stuff really matters and so do you and so does your healing.

 

[ghotiff]

I think what @Chava wrote is very important. If you don't have good strategies for managing self harm there are lots of threads on it which might help.

Regarding repercussions, When I told my first T I was feeling suicidal, she took a note, said it was normal, and moved on (very minimizing). When I told my current T she validated how horrible it was to have those feelings and explained that there is a large distance between mere thoughts and actually doing it, and that we would monitor where I'm at.

My point is that ...with my very limited experience there is a wide range of reactions. Maybe you could have a hypothetical discussion with your t about your fear of re hospitalization and what would cause her to consider that.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Chava I did hear back - she called me, but I wasn't able to answer, so she left a message. I actually felt pretty dumb about it after listening to her message - she just praised me for working hard and told me to call her if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or suicide. I didn't call her back but probably should have. I did feel like she was easier on me in our session this week, but when she asked me point-blank about self-harm and suicide, I chickened-out and told her that I wasn't thinking about it at all. Now I feel like that was a mistake.

So I think I should just come clean when I see her next ... I know this, but then in the moment I panic sometimes. However, I'm not going to act on the urges. I know that. I haven't self-harmed for twelve years, so I know that I don't need it. I'm trying to do what I can to help myself, but f--- man, it's so hard sometimes.

And I think you're right, @ghotiff about the range of reactions. Chances are, she wouldn't react as strongly as my past therapist did.

 

[ghotiff]

However, I'm not going to act on the urges. I know that. I haven't self-harmed for twelve years

It's great that you have done so well for so long and that you have recognized the feelings before they developed into actions, and also reached out here for help.

I think you should let your t know so that they can help and slow down therapy so you don't self harm again.