Cohesive Writing?

[fin]

Again I am confronting fear in just writing this here.

I am hoping that this is maybe a sucess of sorts again YAY!! THough if I am wrong please could you move it. And I know I have to get stronger on owning my stuff still.

I think, I am not sure...but I think I am becoming more cohesive in some of my writing and thoughts, and I do believe I am begining to see quite a lot of changes inside me. My thinking seems much less all or nothing at the moment, and I have been facing stuff much more. My thinking- my mind is also becoming less fast and less intense also I think. I HOPE.

I know I used to be braver and also stronger, and I am thinking in some way that doing that at that time kept me pushing things down and numbed and shut off to a lot of what I really felt in the past. But now...after the turmoil of begining real learning of some management of PTSD I think maybe I am settling some finally.

I know I have a ways to go and I will always be PTSD I am fully aware of the reality.

But I am also begining to be aware that the strong person I thought didnt exist inside me any longer, and that I called a liar -after having heard it for so long and through so many trauma's (amongst other things and other names also). Well that woman is MAYBE not so lost to me afterall...she might just be there and might just be learning and finding what she needs to try to live and manage her life better.

And maybe that woman -myself, will take over from the tiny girl that has been trying to fight for her/me for a little while now.

I hope so.


in peace and for friendship
~fin


I hope that you can read me better now, and I hope that this lasts longer also. I Am trying to live in hope more, now that I believe I have found some.

And here is something maybe, my neighbour is playing "My Way" now...can you believe this?

oh and if I ever needed reassurance of posting a new thread here, I think I may just have got it, from my neighbour's musicall interlude and also an intergration question I just answered before trying to weigh up posting this.

 

[cragger65]

I find you're coming across much more clearly Fin, less fragmented and more confident. It is a wonderful thing to witness. It gives me hope.

 

[amethist]

Hi Fin

You always made sense in what you posted, now you can see for yourself that it is how you feel at the time of posting that makes the difference. I can read the confidence of what you are posting getting stronger.

Happy Easter

Amethist

 

[midi]

Aye, you were always there! Now, like an Easter Lily, you're blooming!

 

[fin]

I thank you Cragger, Amethist and midi, for your kind comments to me, it has been a while since I revisited this thread because I am bad I know at saying thank you. It is not that I don't feel it as I know you all know here, those that know and read me anyhow it is that I feel pain, real pain and fear at friendships, because I have been so badly let down on my life by some friendships. :dontknow:

I am glad to say that the cohesiveness I wrote about here has never left me, even in recent weeks through all that has happened:

1. My mother' collapse
2. My mother's death
3. Her Funeral - planning and finance for it
4. Travel to said Funeral (3-4 hour travel minimum)
5. Over night stay somewhere new and different to me
6. The Funeral Itself ( the minister that presided the funeral was from the church where I have previously been very badly traumatised).
7. Small talk with people I hardly know - family
8. Doctors Physical & Medical Appointments (includes smear test as mentioned elsewhere)
9. Dental Appointments
10. Dental Surgery (2.5 hours so far)
11. Hair Cut (first in years)
12. Physical examination (different to above non medical but still very personal)
13. Re visiting Trauma Sites in the Real World Also revisiting Traumas on-line here at the forum via my diary
14. Loss of my old support worker, and then getting a new one
15. Another assessment began for Francine Shapiro's Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming treatment also with a new (to me) psychologist and on top of dealing with debt and disability or as I like to call it PTSD a different ability also both physical for me too.
16. Some major trauma anniversary's have taken place during the last few weeks also, ones which I could not avoid lest forget either.
17. Repeatedly being faced really faced by my ex.
18. My dog being ill.
19. Rising Debt through illness and all that entails
20. Other medical issues which I am not prepared to go into here in this thread but elsewhere I have done.
21. The threat of eviction and also house inspections (I live in a rental appt. my home at the moment)
22. House Inspections for Gas Safety and repeated people being sent to my home for modifications also, strangers walking in and out of my life.
23. A breakup in a relationship that left me cold and unhappy, very unhappy, heartbroken in fact, the ensuing guilt when the man that I thought loved me (because he said so) didn't and wouldn't accept his part in what happened, because he isn't the only person with PTSD I am also living with it.
24. oh and in case I forgot Daily Daily Exposure therapy upon this forum, which without coming back to each day I would not be the person I am today .. this forum has helped me begin to build my life again, through learning to manage PTSD learning though exposure to what makes me feel uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable writing this out and telling the outside world like this also BUT I am coping better than I could have done last year

and on top of all this and daily living with PTSD I am alone I have no support network of friends now in real world that I am in direct contact with who could and did help and comfort me nor do I have access to my on line friends


I have still made myself understood and even if to no one else than to myself. I know that this attitude is not always healthy when writing upon a public forum - a community- where we all have the right to our own opinions and view points and obviously I would hope that people aren't upset or triggered by my posts, but again part of the challenge of learning to live with PTSD is facing the things that make us anxious, just as I have done here again today and each and everyday I have been and written here upon this forum. I have written here form time to time using what I call a fluid flow approach, just writing and letting feelings go out through words from out of me, and it helps and continues to. I began to do this when I came here to the forum and this has helped and has held me, while reconnecting with my feelings and part of doing that has helped me to become better able to judge when and how to cope with PTSD reactions to do this from the word go is difficult but not impossible. This letting go of emotions well .. it has helped me enormously to remain cohesive also, sadly though of late though it must have challenged some people greatly or too much even and that I am sad about because being challenged is what has helped me manage better I think we can and We all do change here, as I am learning very well now change is the order of the day

This was just a quick note I thought I would put out there to say thanks again to all the support I received here in this thread what I started ;) ~fin

I am posting because I am healing ~