Cold Therapist...

[Angel_090]

So my therapy has technically ended. Because it looked like we had covered the issue I had gone in for, but I think it was really because I wasn't doing what I was suppose to be doing.

The reason I had gone in was that I was having a hard time in college and needed some help to just get through it. I'm half way done so I thought why not just push through. I have a very hard time talking about myself or saying anything real so therapy was not exactly easy for me. For the most part I used extremely vague words to talk about myself and my T even pointed out that I don't use negative words. The session we had before the last was maybe one of the best I've had and I thought that I had done great. He was very warm and smiled and we both laughed. In all of the prior sessions he always wore this poker face and would just stare at me with a piercing look and tried to make me do all the talking. He did guide the session but it felt like he tried to say a little as possible. But on our last session it was the worst yet. As soon as I went in I could feel like he wasn't in a good mood (maybe it's in my head). He didn't smile or was warm like the last time.

To be fair, at the end of second to last session, he had asked me if I wanted him to challenge me more and I said the I didn't mind a challenge. In large, I said that because I wanted to advance in my therapy and I was feeling positive after a great session. So when our last session began and I wasn't feeling to optimistic because of something that had happened that day and I began using vague words, he called me out by saying "you're not saying anything". It shocked me because it was three minutes into the session and he had never called me out before. It felt so abrupt, almost like he was annoyed so I shut down. The rest of the session was a disaster. He had to do most of the talking.

Thirty minutes into the session, it felt like there was nothing left to say or work on. I just began to agree with everything he said even though I didn't actually believed it. He even said the we could cut the session early. I managed to ask a couple more things that got us to the end. Since it felt like there was nothing left, I didn't make another appointment. And everything would have ended there if at the very end he hadn't looked at me with that piercing, poker face and said that he would check in through email sometime later to see how I was doing and that he "hoped to see me again".

I know that with that it would seem like therapy isn't over but everything up to that point felt like we were done. I don't know why I felt he was so cold on the last session or why it affected me so much. I don't know what I might reply when I get his email. I don't know if I want to see him again. I haven't even scratched the surface regarding my real problems and even he said that he knew almost nothing about me (again, all my fault).

I'm feeling very confused and worn out and my thoughts have been on this since therapy ended.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You could always look for a better therapist that is a good fit for you. I realize this is easier said than done, but I say go with your gut instincts and trust your intuition.

From what you described he sounds moody and that is not good for you.

 

[greenleaf]

There are truly warm therapists out there! I love your avatar photo. You deserve to feel secure, warm and cuddled like the cat in the photo, in therapy -- well it's hard work too and upsetting sometimes but I believe there should be warmth.

 

[mrsps]

From what I have read I would say that T is/was not a good fit for you. I have recently changed T's. I thought my old T was great but since starting with someone new I have discovered that this new T is amazing! She is so gentle and kind and I find it easy to tell her things which is unusual for me.
If you have things you never touched on with your T that are troubling you, I would recommend looking for a new T that you feel more comfortable with :)
Best of luck

 

[GWhizz]

I agree with the others. Just because you didn't manage to progress much with this T, doesn't make it your fault. Nor does it mean you're not able for therapy.

I know myself I cannot work with someone like that. My new T has been using a new attachment model with me (all about the careseeker and caregiver and how they interact), whereby the therapists responses and reactions to the client are centrally important to progression. I was actually surprised by my last session with her. I opened up to her for the 1st time about some small things and I even cried some (I usually am too disconnected from my own emotions to feel or say anything).

I was so afraid of quitting with my last T as I kept thinking it was my fault it wasn't working. But I'm re glad now I took the risk to change T's. In life, we don't become close friends with someone just because we happen to sit next to them. We seek out compatible friendships even if we have to search a distance for them. The very same goes for therapy. No therapist fits all and even my old T was the one who encouraged me ve consider someone else.

 

[shimmerz]

I get really freaked out over cold. I think it has to do with my attachment issues.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Perhaps he's just doing exactly what you wanted, by challenging you? I think, atleast for me, I'm so hyper-aware of criticism and rejection that I read coldness and disinterest into situations where it might not exist otherwise.

On the other hand, it might not be a good fit. I think you'll know intuitively.

Warmth used to be super important to me. Now, it's much less - I want someone who is smart and knowledgable and will challenge me because F--- if I know how to get through this in my own.