Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

I'm sort of just wanting to deny that it ever happened because I don't like it. But I can handle it. I'll accept it later if after it sits a while, it still makes sens

I get that -- I deny my crapola on a regular basis!

I NEVER wanted the head injuries to stop me from doing anything, ever.

Which is good -- unless you hurt yourself more by ingorning it

I had a doctor tell me I was insane for that.

my response was, "No time for that. I've got a full time job.

LOL -- My docs tried to for YEARS to get me to take better care of myself and my response was the same..I got stuff to do!
Eventually that will catch up with you and knock you on your butt so take better care of yourself now so you are still good to go when you get old :)

 

[littleoc]

I get that -- I deny my crapola on a regular basis!


Which is good -- unless you hurt yourself more b...

Haha. Sounds like a good plan :D

 

[littleoc]

I didn't have a good day today. But I feel better now that I'm on every single sleepaid available. All prescribed (except ibuprofen and melatonin) and tomorrow maybe I'll try to face it by putting it here. I don't know yet.

Took a cold shower instead of a hot shower. That was after being out in the cold in flip flops and no jacket and no hat. I can deal with stress with other people much better.

I am now under a warm comforter. No weighted blanket yet. Lots of stuffed animals.

I'm going to play with my heroes in Godville and get the sleep I gave myself.

 

[littleoc]

Looking for advice/thoughts/feedback. house is causing harm, mom isn't able to call the helper

I ranted. I think I need to get out of the house today. But this time with appropriate shoes and a jacket and a hat.

I am well known in this city for my hat. Lots of people joke it matches my service dog, but it's a cow hat. Everywhere I go people know the cow hat. Or recognize it when I change to my panda or penguin. They all have horns or flippers or ears. I might get to socialize.

I almost gave the penguin hat to my ex once. I spend hundreds of dollars on gifts for her. But she never got my penguin hat.

 

[littleoc]

My mom is texting me back. She doesn't hate me for what happened. I'm just in pain and this house is making it much worse. So many horrible things happened here.

My mom didn't do it on purpose. That's almost worse than if she had been a psychopath like my dad. It makes it feel like she should haven stopped it all.

 

[littleoc]

I just wanted a clean house.

 

[mumstheword]

((((((Hugs))))))) littleoc:hug::hug::hug:
Me too:oops:

 

[Freida]

It makes it feel like she should haven stopped it all.

You have every right to feel like that. She was your mom - she should have protected you. But for whatever reason she couldn't.
And you deserved to live in a clean house -- then and now.
But the difference is now you are an adult, so you can choose how to live your life. Will it be they way you were raised - which is the only way you know? Or will it be something different.(which is the unknown)
Both are scary options -- both have good and bad parts. Neither come with a guarantee.

Can you think of them as adventures? Maybe visualize what both options look like? and see which one looks like more fun

 

[littleoc]

One of my hobbies when I take Nestle (service dog) on very long walks is to look at the pretty clean houses and imagine owning it. I do it from the outside of my mom's house, too, because on the outside it's pretty. Kind of German/English mixed.

A couple weeks ago (forgot to record it in here) I even wandered into an open house with the intention of seeing the inside, obviously not buying.

Turned out to be my therapist's house -- my therapist from when I was 14. So he let his wife show me around instead and he was friendly and acted chill about it. I immediately lost all my anger I had at him saying my little brother had graduated therapy because I could see he was a chill guy. I was amused to have randomly found his house and toured it.

I never want to give up my childhood home, apparently for hoarding reasons? jealousy at someone getting to enjoy this house? worry that someone will hurt Willy the willow (who is a boy, not a hermaphrodite) or the hermaphrodite oak tree that's 250 years old that's literally right by my window?

But I think I see myself elsewhere anyway, like my sister.

 

[littleoc]

My sister has her own house. Also her own car. And clear boundaries that her husband can't drive it for any reason (he wrecked his last car while drunk driving. He deals with his own consequences on that, since my sister was the only one with a savings account and paid the most for his mistake anyway)

 

[LuckiLee]

Your Mom has her own mental issues going on. You're right. She should have protected you. Instead she let her husband lock her children in cages and give her daughter to a pedophile who lived across the street. She was a part of the abuse. And yes she let it continue. She could have stopped it. Instead it took YOU, a child to do the right thing and report it. You are so very brave @littleoc!

I know this probably hurts' your feelings and I'm sorry! I don't think you will be able to heal being in that house. All you know there is abuse. The whole house is a trigger for you. The neighborhood. The street. All stressors. You can't heal there.

I hope I haven't upset you. That's not my intention. Just want you to be/feel safe.

 

[littleoc]

I hope I haven't upset you.

No, of course not. I appreciate all advice. Even if I disagree with it I appreciate it because there's still truth in it even if it's wrong. Like when Ragdoll Circus/Sideways told me that it would make her mad if someone told her "I did this thing you have to cooperate with" -- I didn't but approach my mom that way but everything she said was still true, useful, and helped

My mom was in the slow process of being killed when my dad got me kidnapped, but if she had already disliked my dad by this point, and all of her kids were telling her to please get divorced by this point, I suppose she did still have a responsibility. My dad really hurt us. And if I were an adult at that time, I would have collected evidence, fled, and sued. I wouldn't have stuck around "to be safe" while being in denial that my kids were being abused and were afraid.

She tells me it makes her sad that she didn't get to hold me unless it was a secret on stormy nights. I bet that's one reason why the tornadoes traumatized me so much. I had no one to go to after. Or even during. So now I'm just terrified all the time of getting stuck in tornado weather, and seeing a flat neighborhood that a government will only give a bit of money to but no other support really.