Looking for advice/thoughts/feedback. house is causing harm, mom isn't able to call the helper

[littleoc]

and we will keep going over it as long as you need to...... just sayin!:hug::hug:

I'm so glad you're here... :hug::hug:

 

[littleoc]

Okay. The woman who could help us stopped texting me back. It's been a month since my mom said she would call her. I'm sure she's moved on.

It might be a distortion on my end -- I'm very used to people abandoning and moving on because of various reasons -- but I got angry and very depressed. Not at S, but at my mom.

I couldn't stop thinking about the horrible neglect I went through as a teenager, which caused me to get hospitalized at a place where I got horribly abused. Bad enough I can't get myself to write about it in my trauma diary. I'm probably blowing it out of proportion.

But it was preventable, if my mom had just stepped in and done something to help us. But no. She couldn't react. She even participated in the bullying and never apologized.

Which including literally forcing my twin brother to watch a scary movie as "punishment for putting off his homework" which he never did anyway, while my mom was sitting RIGHT THERE and didn't even doubt that kind of approach.

Also, I keep flashing back to my little brother needing my very basic nursing skills because my mom wouldn't get him the help I kept repeating he needed. He was cutting himself. After a good YEAR of it I finally told my mom that she needed to acknowledge it. She said he didn't need help, also that there wasn't any (????????????!). He ended up cutting himself with glass on an artery. I can't get the image out of my head. It's haunting my dreams. But I f*cking told her. And she didn't do anything.

Also, with the hospital I got abused at, when I finally did try to tell my mom -- she told me she wished I would have told her sooner, because she got sued by them.

Didn't even look into prosecution or anything.

Want to know why she got sued? Because she was ignoring the bills and not answering their billing staff. I told her while she was discussing this issue with my aunt that she needed to answer the calls and pay some kind of at least small payment or negotiate the bills before it got moved to debt collection. She literally laughed at me.

And I'm just so upset. I feel that this house is my responsibility even after all this discussion we've been having on this forum, and anything I do to try to help just makes it worse. I tried to find a solution but my mom just wouldn't work with me.

And I brought it up last night which is weird because it should have made me mute, but it did eventually. I asked her if I could ask something, and she said yes, and then I asked her if she had any plans to call S this week.

She immediately got stressed sounding and said I don't know, she hasn't had time at all. So I let her know that it might just be too late at this point because maybe I was looking for some kind of comfort or something. I don't know. I shouldn't have even said anything, but we are on the same page with this so I don't know.

Well she just immediately exploded on a rant. said she's been really stressed with work and stuff and she didn't know there was a time limit.

I tried saying "I didn't know either" but when I got to "I didn't" she talked over me and I felt incredibly worthless. Flashbacked to a time when my little brother was throwing things and scaring me becuse i thought my dad was in the house and then he was yelling he was depressed and wanted to die, and my mom didn't do anything.

My mom keeps saying she can't do therapy because it's too late for her but then our entire family gets hurt becuae of her and I just don't think I should be considering living here anymore, with all these awful memories coming up every single time something happens, but I don't want to leave my snake and bird because she doesn't treat them the exact ways I want them to be treated and I'm afraid of my bird inhaling nonstick cookware or something.

And I'm tired of my mom blaming the three youngest kids for the "missing dishes." Well sorry you weren't doing dishes while no one was home. Sorry we put them in boxes for the literally purpose of having a kitchen sink again, which is now half usable becuae we're storing "clean" dishes in the other side, and there's no counter space ever so I had to use the floor as a counter despite my OCD

And any time I have ever made progress cleaning in this house the spot I clean immediately becomes ten times worse becuase everyone's storing things in it, or not working with me, or one time I cleaned the kitchen counters totally off and she covered it saying she was keeping the cat from getting on the counter (????) and when I cleaned the entire bathroom she covered it with kitchen dishes so now I'm using a handicapped bathroom chair as a counter for my clothes and mouthwash becuase there's no counter.

I can't even wash my dog without hurting her. She trips or slips. I hate this.

 

[littleoc]

Sorry, y'all, don't read that. I was having a problem. I just need to either find a way to get this hosue clean or I need to move out. My wellbeing alone is too much to be spending effort on this house with. I just really don't want to accept that.

My twin brother could handle that and now husband savings account is big enough to be able to buy nice cars. I can't buy a crappy car. I just want to be able to catch up like that, by not having to pay bills and stuff. I think maybe I need to just get over myself and make a choice.

Not making a choice is still a choice.

I appreciate all of you.

 

[Freida]

LOL - too late! I read it. And guess what -- -it was things you needed to say. And it's ok. They need to get out of your head

I'm probably blowing it out of proportion

Nope - I'm guessing you are minimizing..... when you are ready you will write about it and it's ok if you don't. But don't judge it...

I shouldn't have even said anything,

Oh hun you are finally learning you have a voice. Don't apologize or feel bad. You GET a voice!

My mom keeps saying she can't do therapy because it's too late for her

cop.out. nuff said

but I don't want to leave my snake and bird

Can't they go with you?

I think you are on a good path of finding out who you are and who you want to be, (instead of who you were) and it's ok to take your time. But this might be a good thread to take to your T next time you see her.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi honey. I know you're struggling with the whole house dilemma and I feel for you. But your Mom isn't going to address it I don't think. Your dads been out of the house for 10 years and she hasn't done anything about it. If that was me??? I'd have thrown all his crap out the day he left. (was arrested).

Your Mom needs therapy. You can't help her with this. This is her life. Her choice.

However,you can help yourself. Take care of you, @littleoc. Find a roommate to share expenses with. Or maybe a room to rent somewhere. This is too much for you right now. You should be concentrating on your recovery and your future. That house is nit your future. You deserve the best life has to offer. Tell her you can't /won't live like that anymore. If SHE cleans the mess maybe it could be different.

Maybe letting grandma see the house is what is needed? If anything she deserves to know what your mother is doing /not doing.

Please take care of yourself now. You're well on your way. Graduation. New job. Learning to drive. So proud of you. Go get the life you want and need. Love you! XO

 

[scout86]

Maybe letting grandma see the house is what is needed?

I was thinking the same thing, while reading the post you didn't want us read. (It was fine, BTW.) If your grandmother doesn't know what's going on in that house, she deserves to.

You can encourage other people to change, but you can't force them to. Therapy would be good for your mom, but that's her choice. Maybe when she sees how it helps you she'll change her mind.

Find another place for you & the critters to live and get on with your life.

 

[Changing4Best]

For your sanity's sake, I really hope you can move. @littleoc

 

[Nessa7]

Do you mean I specifically would qualify, or that in general I might? Are we in the same country? I'm in the United States. :)

It will depend on your county and how many spots they have available. Your therapist will be able to tell you more about where you live. If you are going to school in a different county, you might also be able to apply for emergency shelter there. As much as you do love your mother and other family members, this environment is bad for you.

 

[littleoc]

My mom is trying to get help now.

I am scared it's too late and I'm confused about how to handle it. I remembered that the house used to be nice, nice enough to have a friend over, before my sister tried to have us clean it. That was extremely traumatizing and I can't seem to get over it.

The house wasn't in perfect condition, but it was livable. Not as dysfunctional as it is now.

My family blamed me for this and currently it's 4am so I'm not sure how to think about it. But I wanted to post it. I'm confused about it (but I might just be confused right now).

 

[Changing4Best]

Does your mother depend upon you for things? She may be waking up to the fact that without you, she might be in trouble and not be able to carry on and survive. This should not deter you, though, if you feel it is best for you to be out on your own. Think of what is best for your future and your wellbeing now.

 

[littleoc]

Does your mother depend upon you for things? She may be waking up to the fact that without you, she...

I think so.

She can't really walk. She can't do dishes, or clean the bathroom. I might try to hire someone to help, and to lower the sinks and cabinets. But the house has to be clean first.

My family used my mom as leverage to make me do things when I was a kid. I wonder if that's effecting things.

 

[Changing4Best]

Could be. She may be frozen in fear or something now, maybe because of that or other things. Or it could be that she has just given up and is feeling apathetic.