Looking for advice/thoughts/feedback. house is causing harm, mom isn't able to call the helper

[littleoc]

I rescued a snapping turtle once too, as well as a box turtle. I did these things ages ago. I just r...

Saving turtles is rewarding!

And that helps, remembering I'm not alone in this. Sucks that it happens to other people, but at least I'm not going to end up in a circus.

So happy for you @littleoc. You are a very strong and kind soul. And your Mom is ri...

Thank you :)

 

[littleoc]

I think this is an okay place to post this?

I have two days left here, but the house is still upsetting me. I tried to clean my room and it has improved a lot but I can’t see it because it doesn’t matter; I still can’t walk in it. I can’t get new things, and my mom got defensive about f*cking soap and asked why I wanted to throw her bag of hotel soap a d toiletries away, and I said, “Because it’s big and usually useless” (she’s using a couple of the things currently for a hotel stay tonight) “and there’s no counter space for my stuff” and she said in a not-serious, silly voice, “Well maybe your stuff is too big.” Yeah, my toothbrush is taking up way too much space.

I will be living at university for three to four months. I will be using that money to buy a car, if everything works out okay... but I won’t have enough saved away (I have enough for emergencies) for renting an apartment or anything. So, it’s likely I’ll be coming back here again, to have another anxiety attack when I see my room.

I’m trying to not let myself feel helpless, though, so I’m trying to remember everything I said here, which is why I’m back. So I told my mom that I won’t clean the bathroom because I’m tired of her saying she’s jealous of my cleaning and also griping about not having access to her dishes (there’s probably no hope for them, but at least we f*cking tried when she didn’t want to help) — I said it way more politely — and also I’m going to finishing cleaning this space when I come back, that way I only need to worry about it later.

I need to change my sheets so my sister and law has access to my bed just in case, though. I want her to have access to a clean bed. I keep mine clean because of OCD.

If I come back to clean it, then I will start once again with a trash bag, a recycle bag, and a donate bag.

The stuff my mom INSISTED I don’t get rid of I’m going to dump in her room.

I am going to see if it’s possible to condense my clothes into just one dessser, because I hate the small fat one that holds so little and is covered in stickers.

I’m going to go through books and get rid of ones I won’t read again. Then put ones I do like on the bookshelf I have, after I clean it.

I don’t really know what to do with the rest... a lot of it belongs in other rooms but those rooms are cut off with actual shit and trash and stuff we apparently can’t get rid of.

But after I get the room cleared out, I will get rid of the stupid display case my dad bought for *some* reason and put together the $100 desk I got that can’t be put together yet.

I wish I knew how to clean walls. These walls are disgusting.

Is it possible to buy a huge carpet that doesn’t need installation so I won’t have to worry about other costs? This carpet is 30-40 years old and probably FULL of allergens.

If I move my bird’s cage, I will have access to a small closet. I made access to another closet and found it full of my mom’s stuff from when she was 35-40. She has not yet prepared to donate any of it, or throw away the ones that aren’t in great condition.



The kitchen will still be a disaster, there won’t be a table still (maybe I can start using my desk once it’s set up? I like eating with my mom but I hate eating on a couch with no foot room. Want to know how many jeans have been destroyed because things spilled on my lap instead of sitting securely on a table? I’ve even lost entire dinners that way), the shower room will still be disgusting (wallpaper that’s 30-years-old AT LEAST?), and the house will still smell actually terrible and be embarrassing and suffocating, but god damn it if I end up having to stay here anyway, I’m going to have my own space. My twin brother has a mostly clean room now!

So for f*ck’s sake so am I. Especially since my mom won’t look for help. I can’t do all the work. I have a life to live.

Also if i invite my friend to help me clean it, she’s gonna have to deal with it. I’m an adult and I deserve a nice place. And my mom is too kind to let me be homeless, so.

Yeah, I’ll look back at this in July/August if I have to come here, instead of having another anxiety attack. I’m tired of anxiety attacks. I’m just going to get shit done.

Feeling panicked, future me? Grab a trash bag. You have control over your own space, even if it looks like you don’t.

 

[littleoc]

Here’s a tiny piece of what the room looked like in January/February. The whole room was taller than me with crap like this.

I am in bed and that’s a pajama leg, probably can’t tell because it probably blends in with the dragon hoard there.

 

[littleoc]

And here’s now.

Definitely better. But not good enough.

I am very upset that PTSD gets in my way of cleaning. f*ck you, dad. Cleaning is not a punishment. And sister should have known better. I think having a friend with me could help this.

It’s actually slightly worse right now. Clutter. Every time I try to clean something it gets worse. Tired of it. I’m going to make this room the exception.

 

[Changing4Best]

I feel for you! Your home resembles my sister's. Hers is actually worse looking than the photos here, if you can get any consolation in that? One thing though, we finally did get her to get therapy for this. So she has cleaned up her act a bit. My brother-in-law took a lot of stuff to the dump when they moved into a smaller home. She had to stay away, could not be there when he did this. They agreed on that, because she could not agree to let ANYTHING go.

 

[LuckiLee]

That's enough to make anyone anxious and depressed. I have all the faith in the world that you will make your room lovely.

When I was younger my mother had a bit of a breakdown. She suffered some depression. My Dad traveled for work Monday through Friday. She was alone with four kids and her mother (who suffered from dementia). It was too much for her and our house was in shambles for about two years.

Dad was finally able to be home every night and her depression slowly faded.

I don't think your house will change until your mom faces whatever is going on with her mentally.

Would your brother help you clean your room? You definitely need some help/support while you do this. Who knows what you'll find. Things will probably trigger you. I would help you in a heartbeat!!

I'm really proud of all that you are accomplishing. I hope you are too.

 

[MrMoonlight]

That's wonderful you are making your space your space. I'm also in the process of rearranging my room to make it more of a peaceful sanctuary. To me it's such an important piece to me feeling well...I I know you will get there @littleoc !

 

[Justmehere]

Well done @littleoc! Progress is progress, and you’ve made some significant progress! I hope you are enjoying your new space too away from the house. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Well done @littleloc! Progress is progress, and you’ve made some significant progress! I hope you...

Thank you!
I will by tomorrow!

I’m feeling that possible adjustment disorder thing, feeling nervous and afraid of my shower... but I have to shower before bed (OCD thing, to prevent nightmares according to my brain). But by tomorrow it should be nice! :)

 

[joeylittle]

Keep up the good work, @littleoc - the stuff you are navigating is really tough, but you are meeting the challenges head-on. Hang in there :)

 

[littleoc]

Keep up the good work, @littleoc - the stuff you are navigating is really tough,...

Thank you :)

It’s less painful to deal with it head on then to do the same thing for years straight... which is easy to do. And I’m sure we’ve all done at some point... but you know :P