I am still having lot of trouble speaking. Including just texting friends. I’ve been utterly silent.
I’ve been working up the courage for ... months? to talk about what happened with Brandi in ... dont remember what month. I won’t remember until the next time the anniversary rolls around, I guess? Or unless I look back.
But clearly I need to quit trying. Something is up. I’m exhausted. Too exhausted to socialize. Not usual for me. But, I never did like talking about trauma much. Maybe I did it too much here, and now am burned out?
I AM living in the house where it happened. That therapist I hired, Susan, is going to come take a look.
I’m living with my mom and it’s hard. She wants me to take care of her still. I don’t want to. Can’t do much about it yet. Not until I can move out. So I keep reminding her that I’ll be moving out when I can afford it. If she wanted to come with me, she should have respected my boundaries.
I wonder if this is why you haven't been able to get moved out? Because you needed to stay here so you could practice standing up for yourself and setting boundaries? Does it help to think of it as a learning experience that you need to complete so that you can start your new life with these skills completely in place?
Hm, not this time. Thank you though. The boundaries I’ve had to set recently are shitty ones like “I’m not going to your son’s birthday party even though he’s my beloved nephew because his dad was exposed to five confirmed cases and is refusing to self quarantine.” Sucked. My sister doesn’t like “no” from me but she’ll get over it.
I’m not sure. It’s horrific. I want to talk about it but I’m afraid to. It’s been bothering me all weekend. I think it’s a combination of the OCD and trauma. I wish I knew what triggered it because nothing seems to have caused it? Maybe there’s an anniversary today I didn’t know about? Actually that’s very doubtful. I think the pedo let me out of the deal by summer. That seems like a thing I should know for certain though.
I hung out with a friend today anyway. We had fun, and he bought me some chicken. It was the greatest chicken. He invited me to hang out in his house but I’m exhausted. So I told him I had stuff to do, because unfortunately I do. We made plans to meet again to hang out later in the week.
I’ve been having nightmares all weekend. I think my brain is trying to tell me something but I don’t like it at all. I’m either interpreting it wrong because of OCD, or I’m interpreting it right, which is not good if I am. But I’m probably giving it too much thought. It won’t matter in the long run. I’ll just try to relax. I’m sitting here eating raw broccoli, it’s good :)
I’m afraid I’ll get in trouble or be looked down upon. But I want to ask my therapist about it. Is it “just” the trauma talking, and the OCD making it worse? Frustrating. Let me sleep, brain. It doesn’t matter right now.
Would it be unwise to get a gym membership? Yes. I could bring something home. I will continue to put it off.