Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally


More good news: my mom likes the therapist I got her. She still complains about things not being perfect — more excuses to say there should be no effort or money used to clean the house.

Very pricey though. Very pricey. But I am doing this for myself. I do not want to work with my mom without a third party there. I keep getting too anxious, even with a therapist there. Flash back-y.

I just have one request for my mom. Stop covering the table and then blaming everyone else. Just don’t.

It sucks.

My dad used to do that. And then scream at us and force us to clean it. Was violent about it.

The stress I feel at seeing her shit all over the table is so overwhelming that I’ve been eating outside again. She’s driving me crazy. I need to get a good enough job to live on. A real salary. So I can pay off student loans (well, start) and live somewhere that doesn’t make me crazy.


It’s terribly enough the same feeling i got when I asked out a girl in first grade and my teacher told me she was suspending me and I was “lucky” she didn’t tell my mom.
This just infuriates me! You were little kids. Why in the world would your teacher have a shit fit over this? Because you asked a girl out? What would her response have been if you had asked a boy? grrrrr
There was nothing wrong with you then and there is nothing wrong with you now.

I shouldn’t have been exposed to green geese. That’s still the end of it.
. My brain now says y’all are gonna judge the shit out of me for this.
This is correct if we can make it "judge me positively for the hard work I've done sorting all this out and understanding that what happened to me was wrong and I am nothing like those monsters" Because then yep -- I'm all about judgy! :) And happy for you! And so very, very proud of you :hug:

Is it over analyzing to suggest that my desire to get away from that post feels like me trying to avoid those intrusive thoughts? It’s probably exactly the same thing.
yep. :)


Working through that helped me realize that I’ve read on here numerous times that people find arousal in their abuse. Especially CSA.

That’s the first time I’ve ever used the term CSA for myself. It looks... weird. Not the right colors.

Anyway... It doesn’t mean anything except that I was abused.

No one else worries about where they got their behaviors as much as an abused kid.


Also I’ve had something for like a week and I still can’t eat normal foods ? Hoping it goes away soon. Health department is asking me for a list of all the food I ate in the week before I got sick. Hard to remember while miserably chewing on my pedialyte popsicle ?