Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

O hi @somerandomguy lol

I had a great day today! :)

 

[somerandomguy]

Glad to hear it @littleoc

 

[Freida]

wow kiddo - that's a lot to be stuck in your brain. I'm really glad you came here to get it out - and that it gave you a better day!

 

[littleoc]

Might do it again today, not sure yet. If so don't worry about reading it

 

[Friday]

I was literally doing great in the hospital. Back here, pulled back into this awful house once again because I can't work and I don't want to risk being TOO homeless again, I'm right back to being suicidal.

Sounds like both problem AND solution… meet.

Do. Not. Tell. The. Hospital. You. Have. Somewhere. To. Go.

So that your exit plan INCLUDES somewhere to go… that isn’t suicide-on-a-stick.

As exit plans, for patients who have a home to return to, or homeless/abuse/trauma/etc.? Are very different. Seriously. As in doctors and therapists bang their heads against the wall when patients repeatedly choose to return to terrible situations, rather than risk the unknown.

You’ve learned, since your release? You DO NOT have a place to go. Anymore than someone sleeping on a heat grate, or a battered spouse, has a “place” to go.

 

[littleoc]

Sounds like both problem AND solution… meet.

Do. Not. Tell. The. Hospital. You. Have. Somewhere. To. Go.

So that your exit plan INCLUDES somewhere to go… that isn’t suicide-on-a-stick.

As exit plans, for patients who have a home to return to, or homeless/abuse/trauma/etc.? Are very different. Seriously. As in doctors and therapists bang their heads against the wall when patients repeatedly choose to return to terrible situations, rather than risk the unknown.

You’ve learned, since your release? You DO NOT have a place to go. Anymore than someone sleeping on a heat grate, or a battered spouse, has a “place” to go.

I agree. It seems I was happy nearly every day while living with Bestie and when I thought I had finally gotten away from this house.

Last hospitalization I was told they were going to be placed in a group home and just wait around at the hospital until they found a match, but I felt this didn't work for me. I need lots of freedom, privacy, and space, and I value my animals so much that I chose to be in an uncomfortable situation in order to be able to keep and take care of my animals.

I'm currently at 6 or 7 cats (because I'm taking care of the 7th cat who is a neighborhood stray I've been working on socializing, for her benefit to maybe be able to not be homeless herself soon), one parrot (a cockatiel I've had since I was 12), a rare morph corn snake I've raised from day three of life on Earth, a leopard gecko I got for free because she was supposedly unadoptable (she's literally fine now, I think they were trying to handle her with too many noises and she just spooked easy), and of course the service dog who's about 3 or 4 years past the time she should have retired.

My black widows passed away but I'm proud of how long they lived. Well into old age. My rescued gerbil passed away of melanoma complications and I miss her every day.

But anyway, the hospital released me without a group home because I said I'd be staying with Bestie, who would help me function. This worked great except that his parents were very abusive, which is why above in this diary I'm doing amazing in July but immediately sink in the months after, I think.

In fact, Bestie and I are working on clearing this house out so he can live here with me, which would help prevent issues with my mental health and his (he'd be away from his abusive parents).

I'm scared of group homes, but I did have the social worker at my last hospitalization put housing pamphlets/info in my discharge paperwork, though I haven't read it yet. Maybe there's something in there that might help

Long story shortened, I agree that I need to get out of here, but I think my animals are too important to me. When I was living at Bestie's, literally five minutes away from this house, I was extremely upset the entire year that I wasn't with my animals. I was worried they were worried, and worried about if Dove (parrot) was getting enough socializing and exercise or if one of the cats with a heart condition was okay or if he was going to pass away when I hadn't been by to pet him in a day or two. To the point that those thoughts were my biggest stressor.

So, yes, I need a solution, but realistically it's going to take a bit unless I release all my animals right now, which I won't lol

Thank you so much for your input, it puts things into perspective. I'll need to get creative with my solutions

 

[Friday]

I need lots of freedom, privacy, and space,

Group homes? Often hardline this need for people, and go to extreme ends to create it (both in structure and rules).

But? It’s still the evil you know, versus the one you don’t.

And? Not all group homes operate that way.

So the fear of waiting longer, for an even WORSE placement?

Totally vaild.

Conversely? You can always go back to the evil you know, if the evil you don’t doesn’t work out. So it’s a bit of shooting yourself in the foot to not try something new, and fall back on the familiar… rather than just returning to the familiar.

IE missed opportunity.

m scared of group homes, but I did have the social worker at my last hospitalization put housing pamphlets/info in my discharge paperwork, though I haven't read it yet. Maybe there's something in there that might help

Definitely worth looking into, if you’ve still got it.

So, yes, I need a solution, but realistically it's going to take a bit unless I release all my animals right now, which I won't lol

Yep. And group homes that accept animals? Will run the spectrum from those that allow abusive and dangerous animals that will eat yours, or attack you… to those that are gardens of Eden for you & yours.

IMO? It’s worth the search. And considerations on compromise. Like building a cattery, and socializing the parrot, etc.

Best of luck, and wishes. I know this isn’t easy. And whatever choice/choices you made & will make? Are the best you can be, them & now.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you very very much I appreciate it

 

[Freida]

the last time my brother was hospitalized I refused to come get him when he was ready to be released. The hospital was horrible to me about it - tried to guilt the crap out of me. But once they figured out they couldn't budge me they found a place for him. A place that wasn't even on the radar when they first looked around and that turned out to be awesome.

He was there for a year or so, before he was able to go back into the world. While he was there he could pretty much come and go as he pleased. I think they had a curfew but that was more about not disrupting the home than it was about controlling his life

I can't remember if they allowed animals at that one, but like @Friday said, you won't know until you let them help you look.

 

[littleoc]

If the group home is like that, that would be okay

I just worry about ending up abused again. It feels like every time I manage to get somewhere safe, something goes massively wrong and I get more trauma. There should be more done for all people in situations like that though

 

[littleoc]

 

[littleoc]

Really struggling with the suicidal thoughts again. I probably just need to sleep, but I don't know.

I'm also really hurt still about being kicked from therapy. I think it was irresponsible of the office to do that. Especially since recently hospitalized people often commit suicide within the next two weeks, and later, the next 6 months, and then a smaller percentage to 2 years afterward. But together they all amount to ¼. I mean, they didn't even ask me if I was okay. They just went back on a promise to me about accessibility after making me deal with having no therapist, and also blaming me for not having one like it was something I did on purpose. I'm so sick of feeling worthless to people.