Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[internal]

My ex girlfriend was deeply possessive and would become emotionally unstable if she saw me talking to someone else, no matter who it was please don't judge, i was a child and my mom acted like this was normal and did not say anything to me about this

no judgment here. and just wanted to say even though you may feel sad, does not mean that it was not producteve. sadness is real hard to bear some times but does not mean it can't be helpfull too. and good job you on the vet tech job! i hope that is going well for you.

 

[LuckiLee]

Thinking of you. I hope you are healthy, warm and safe. Happy New Year!

 

[frogthroat]

Hey, I've been going through my own shit but I seriously think of you at some point everyday. I always hope you're okay and that you finally have the resources you need.
If you've moved on from posting on this forum I understand. If you drop in every so often can you at least let us know you're alive and okay? That's all I want to know. You don't have to share any personal business. I just want to know if you're okay.

 

[ILoveLife]

She's okay :)

 

[LuckiLee]

Miss you!

 

[littleoc]

I'm alive an okay, albeit upset, @frogthroat. You know the grind :P

I've finally gotten on the right meds. So, I can think and have breakthroughs that actually help me move past caring about my trauma. But I still can't keep up with non-disabled people. It wasnt just PTSD.

Today I want to be uplifting, but I'm very upset. I can tell my best friend is in a good mood and excited for our move, so I'm trying to keep the mood up and not be a downer, haha. I'm upset regardless but hey, you know. I can't deal with these people anymore and my friend wants to move away later, and I'm trying to respect it. But I don't want to be anywhere near his parents for the rest of my life and I don't want to move back in with my mother, even if he's going to be with me. And even if the house is way cleaner.

So, I'm FINE and OKAY. But upset lately. And very tired. I want to be here for my animals who mean more than anything to me. But being disabled has left me relying on my best friend for funds and he's been anxious about it for... the entire time. He can't exactly work either.

By now I invisioned a very different life, which is fine and it's normal for that to change. The culture I'm in right now just doesn't have a place for me. That's not exactly unheard of. You know how it is. But instead I (by which I mean "my situation") cause financial distress, my best friends' parents became more abusive than bestie has ever seen them be (like, they surprised him and he's lived with them his entire life), and I regret trusting a new situation. I keep saying I'll never move back into my mom's world and here we goooooooooo. Hahaha. You know how it is.

Life is hard and I will be fine. Though, I wish I could feel myself finally be able to relax and drift away. It's always hard, not too hard for me to handle, but hard. It's just like that sometimes, but i have to get my bestie out of his home and keep waiting for disability to reject me three times so I can pay him an entire year's salary back. And I only trust me to care for my animals and that's that. Got thirty more years on that, and I can't wait to be thirty (that isn't sarcasm) in barely a couple years, and I want to get old so I can be an old gay man.

So, yeah, doing well, honestly, considering the everything. I missed group therapy the last few weeks and can't wait to get back to it, though the idea of trying to talk about myself in a depressing way is too upsetting to do.

I hope you're doing well. I think about you all the time. (And everyone else here, too. I've just been feeling very, very quiet).

 

[littleoc]

I forgot to mention -- I'm happy like 99% of the time now :D

 

[LuckiLee]

It's so nice to see you again!!

 

[Freida]

So happy you are here! I've missed you

 

[littleoc]

:))))

 

[Freida]

sooooo hows things?

 

[littleoc]

Good? I feel like myself again thanks to the new medications. :) But not particularly talkative anymore lol -- I'll talk about some events though since this is a trauma diary and all that.

The main thing is I found out that my brain damage was keeping me from noticing how disabled I am. I struggled to work full time and when I did, I often needed other people to help me do my tasks (as in, I would be too confused or exhausted to vacuum, sweep, talk, or other tasks). On top of that I was being discriminated against for being disabled. When you don't know yourself, it's easier for random people to do stuff like that.

Final straw was taking a job from a woman I've known since I was 18. I knew she was bad at communication and full of red flags, possibly abusive, but I "needed" the full time job because it was a dream job and I was looking for something that would help me get my own place. My mom and I were not getting along, but my mom was unaware of it because we were both off of our medications.

The woman became my boss and made it sound like if I wanted to be in the field, I HAD to work under her or else. I noticed a lot of suspicious behavior, like pretending to know everything, but I am easily confused (just being honest) and, well, got confused about it and decided to ignore it. I am very slow to process things because of the brain bonk so I'm used to things being vague and confusing, and people thinking I'm stupid when I'm not, so I was letting it slide. I was thinking it'd be like separating work and home life.

Long story very very short because I don't want to get into it too much right now, turned out to be a very big deal, down to the woman insisting I degrade myself with self talk every morning. I attempted suicide twice, honestly without meaning to. She also tricked me (I know that sounds weird, I'm very naïve though lol) into accepting minimum wage as someone with a degree when we previously had a different agreement, and told me I'd have to earn better income by being perfect for her, including reading her mind (actual quote) and doing more than I was already doing (I was working 50 hours a week). She accused me of stealing frequently, told me everything I was doing wrong (not something I'm against, my best friend can do this fine, but it was constantly and derogatory), and denied disability accommodations on the grounds that I needed to learn how to live in the real world (while she did get those accommodations and expected me to do my part in getting them to her).

It got way out of control, very very very long story very short, over a period of time until she dashed all the hope out of me and I was thinking of suicide almost all the time.

Normally this wouldn't have happened, but I knew her previously (since 18) and was so scared to disappoint her. And, again, I confuse easy, so I genuinely thought I was the problem and was going to cost her her license to practice.

Meanwhile I was battling not only mental illness but physical illnesses as well. My brain literally crumbled under the weight and so did my body.

I finally agreed to go to the hospital at my best friend's urging (sort of -- he got spooked because I said I needed to go and he felt like a medic who just heard a farmer came into the ER and decided to come in himself lol) and also some other friends from here and elsewhere. In the hospital the doctors all strongly recommended I not return to work and I decided to agree. I stayed in the hospital for two weeks ish.

Moved into my best friend's house. First day there had a panic attack because I recognized more abuse from his father, decided to completely go into denial about it and think we were all friends? I guess? Anyway he neglected several animals to death and I spoke out against it but then a bunch of abuse happened to me and also my best friend again for over a year where I was the constant target, which mostly hurt my best friend rather than me. Because he's not my dad. Dude's useless and pathetic. I wanted to go back to my mom's anyway though because the retraumatizstion was exhausting. But I didn't want to leave my friend there alone.

And now I'm back at my mom's, but it's much cleaner, and my best friend is going to move in upstairs once we finish getting it cleaned up, and because we're both medicated my mom and I are suddenly getting along great.

But also I have some new random but not unusual baggage I haven't gotten to process and frankly I am tired of this happening. But life keeps moving lol -- the current worry now is that my sister is an addict now (alcohol and cigarettes, one way more important than the other, obviously) and my nephew isn't living his life like a child but instead I feel like Im constantly reminding people that he's a human person. And also she and him are going to be moving into my mom's house soon also, but my sister was so erratically in denial about it that she, long story short, made it to where my mom has lost THIS house. my grandma (the landlord) has had it over my head for a long, long, long, long time, but now she won't talk to my mom and tries to find out from my family members instead of me if I even live here, so. Anyway at the end of the year I have to have a touch-base with her about my income and where/when I'm planning on moving, etc, and of course she's not planning on kicking me out (she's not EVIL) so this might last a few years while I wait to be on disability. I really hope my grandparents stay healthy and alive not just for housing reasons, but because I also want to hang out with them more. But also it turns out my grandpa may have sexually abused his sons? But I dunno.

It's a lot, but I've also been genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. My medications are helping. I was supposed to be doing some EDMR by now, but my therapist I've had for over a decade or whatever (longest therapeutic relationship I've ever had) moved to another practice and I'm with a new therapist, AND all this stuff keeps happening. Poor people don't get the treatments they need because they're constantly being put in worse and worse situations.

BUT like I said, I've been genuinely happy and finding joy in life again. Life is hard and it's harder when you're waiting on disability and are practically homeless but also kind of not (invisible homelessness is a huge problem in the United States but also I am luckier than most in that I have better access to food, water, and shelter right now!) but, I love my cats, my friends, my old service dog who kind of doesn't do most her tasks anymore, and I like being able to sleep through the night.

I am very disabled and didn't really notice before, but it turns out I can't really fed myself or take care of myself very well. So, hospital said I either live with my bestie or go to a group home, and I chose bestie because I like the independence of that for now :D

Otherwise doing well! Minus the significant life events that I am spending most of my time not thinking about, because it's not like it'll help me to do so until I get disability and am actually stable enough at some point. Which is far from the life goals I initially had and I'm still adjusting to that but thankfully I am a very optimistic person and very go-with-the-flow, so it's working out right now. :)

Plus I get to play my little baby games on the computer when I'm not asleep all day from being narcoleptic or whatever my diagnosis on that ends up being! I have a laundry list of disabilities now! Shocked I was ever working 50+ hours a week when i wasn't sleeping or eating lol

That went on longer than I expected it to but I hope you're well!

The too long; didn't read version is I went through a bunch of new trauma/retraumatizstion but it had an overall good effect on me because I'm too optimistic lol
Edit to add: also because my friend is so hecking cool and nice and no-bullshit