Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Hard to admit my mom is abusive. Hard to explain why she feels she can treat me like that while being so sweet to my siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, complete strangers. Really hurts.

Worse that I felt too weak to retaliate today. I just let her. Too depressed, too low energy. Basically sent the message she can keep that up. I feel pathetic. Crying in a car. Basically a child.

Bought new shoes today. The first pair I wanted lit up when I slapped them (feeling for shock absorption). The lights triggered extremely violent flashbacks. Not okay right now but dont want to talk to anyone.

I need to move out. This is hopeless.
If I didn't have any responsibilities I would just drive to a hospital, not even tell anyone. I've been sitting in a car for two hours not doing any responsibilities though. Not sure I can afford a hospital. Hopefully these feelings will just go away. I didn't know a goddamn shoe could make me remember something so horrible.
Text I sent to someone. Just putting here for reference.

I think the reason I feel afraid to think bad thoughts about my mom is because I know she agrees with them and it's been my responsibility for so long, since I was two years old, to tell her otherwise