Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally


Oh hun.
Between your dad and the pedo I'm not surprised your poor little ocd brain doesn't know what is true or not. They really did a number on you 💜 🥺 🫂

So lets look at these...
But this time I was talking about my guilt. I had previously, before my dad was out of the house, been bullying my little brother. It was encouraged by my father since I was a little kid, and I’m so ashamed of it that I can’t blame my dad.
of course you can blame your dad. You were a child who was following instructions from the person who was supposed to keep you safe and feel loved. Instead he pitted his kids against each other in some kind of sick game for his amusement
I loved my little brother but I made his life harder, to the point that he was giving me death threats when he and I were in kindergarten.
Death threats from kindergardners. That is heartbreaking -- and ti shows how horrid your childhood was -- NOT how horrible you were
I even told a school counselor about it (which obviously resulted in nothing because “poor people are just like that”).
This makes me so sad. If someone had just listened to you things would have been so different. I hate that you were let down over and over

But currently I keep fearing I’m going to hurt my **platonic** friends. Especially the one I see in person regularly, who I’m not attracted to and view like a sibling.
People who are capable of hurting others? Don't worry about it. They plan it, they thrive on it, they enjoy it. They can't wait for the chance to hurt someone.
Just the fact that you are worried tells me that it's not in your nature -- which shows here....
And I have never sexually assaulted anyone (willingly (I was a child)) in my entire life.
You were in a horrible situation as a child where following instructions kept you safe - no matter how vile those instructions were
But I was uncomfortable the whole time and just trying to figure out if my physical reaction meant I was into... that, like the pedo said.
nope. nope. nope
As my t pounds into my head -- the human body will respond as it is designed as a safety mechanism. Not because you are enjoying it or like it or any of that nonsense. And again -- people who like to do these things don't worry about how it is affecting someone else. That you worry about this so much shows me how out of character these things are and that you never would have done them without being forced to.And before you ask -- yes. Emotional abuse of a child to make her do things she doesn't want to do counts as force.

You are not a monster.
You have never been a monster
You are not the bad guy in any of these situations
You are someone who survived horrific abuse, doing things she had to do to stay alive.
Which means you are someone pretty damn remarkable. 🫂💜💜