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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Oh hun.
Between your dad and the pedo I'm not surprised your poor little ocd brain doesn't know what is true or not. They really did a number on you 💜 🥺 🫂

So lets look at these...
But this time I was talking about my guilt. I had previously, before my dad was out of the house, been bullying my little brother. It was encouraged by my father since I was a little kid, and I’m so ashamed of it that I can’t blame my dad.
of course you can blame your dad. You were a child who was following instructions from the person who was supposed to keep you safe and feel loved. Instead he pitted his kids against each other in some kind of sick game for his amusement
I loved my little brother but I made his life harder, to the point that he was giving me death threats when he and I were in kindergarten.
Death threats from kindergardners. That is heartbreaking -- and ti shows how horrid your childhood was -- NOT how horrible you were
I even told a school counselor about it (which obviously resulted in nothing because “poor people are just like that”).
This makes me so sad. If someone had just listened to you things would have been so different. I hate that you were let down over and over

But currently I keep fearing I’m going to hurt my **platonic** friends. Especially the one I see in person regularly, who I’m not attracted to and view like a sibling.
People who are capable of hurting others? Don't worry about it. They plan it, they thrive on it, they enjoy it. They can't wait for the chance to hurt someone.
Just the fact that you are worried tells me that it's not in your nature -- which shows here....
And I have never sexually assaulted anyone (willingly (I was a child)) in my entire life.
You were in a horrible situation as a child where following instructions kept you safe - no matter how vile those instructions were
But I was uncomfortable the whole time and just trying to figure out if my physical reaction meant I was into... that, like the pedo said.
nope. nope. nope
As my t pounds into my head -- the human body will respond as it is designed as a safety mechanism. Not because you are enjoying it or like it or any of that nonsense. And again -- people who like to do these things don't worry about how it is affecting someone else. That you worry about this so much shows me how out of character these things are and that you never would have done them without being forced to.And before you ask -- yes. Emotional abuse of a child to make her do things she doesn't want to do counts as force.

You are not a monster.
You have never been a monster
You are not the bad guy in any of these situations
You are someone who survived horrific abuse, doing things she had to do to stay alive.
Which means you are someone pretty damn remarkable. 🫂💜💜

good I guess? i had a medication mishap and nearly committed suicide, but I did not, and i did not come here with that problem, and now I am about 60,000 words behind on my thesis.

but also i accidentally got employment. OCD is acting up so i will get myself a rabies shot once i formally have health insurance.

by "a rabies shot" i of course mean the series of 14 shots in the arm muscles.

You are not a monster.
You have never been a monster
You are not the bad guy in any of these situations
You are someone who survived horrific abuse, doing things she had to do to stay alive.
Which means you are someone pretty damn remarkable. 🫂💜💜
also, thank you for this 💜

(can you call me a "they," though? you told me to remind you!! lol)
I'm struggling with my current identity a little. I'm ignoring trauma -- plenty of people are many things, regardless of their pasts. John Green has OCD, maybe from bullying, maybe because of genetics. My OCD could have come from trauma, or genetics. Who cares? The point isn't about finding where it came from; that's a form of procrastination and avoidance. The point is dealing with my symptoms.

That goes for anything.

Also I think I've decided I want to be on t. I'm not a man, that much is clear, at least at this time. But I am feeling... weird. I looked back in the diary a lot this past month to gather data and noticed that I mentioned several times that being called a "woman" was uncomfortable, so that was nice. Indirect validation.

also found (1) transphobic post in this diary related to a trans woman who sexually assaulted me. I really wanted her to be a man, for some reason. Not okay, and I only bring this up in case a trans woman happens to see that and this.

i have five cats now
(can you call me a "they," though? you told me to remind you!!
Of course! And keep reminding me cause yknow my brain is like a sieve and stuff falls out 😁

Glad they are back! Sorry things got so complicated though. Very proud of how they (or is it them in this context?) handled everything 💜

14 shots in the arm??? Yikes!
Thanks, y'all <3

And @somerandomguy, if it helps, I am 99% sure I don't have rabies. I accidentally activated a trauma memory and OCD at the same time while walking into my house with a very, very minor wound -- a scratch.

I haven't been able to locate the animal since (a kitten in a wet box, tossed out of a car (why he was hiss-y)) (a tree fell at around the same time (severe storms) and made everything chaotic) but im somewhat sure i've seen him before.

i took my therapist's advice on OCD and instead of googling it for ten hours I called a doctor. Doctor unfortunately said that technically, if the cat HAD rabies and licked his paws before scratching, there could be a very tiny, slim chance.

so i'll just act accordingly, whenever i can afford to better. which will be in less than ten days, presumably.

definitely annoying, though. My OCD is, hilariously enough, obsessed with rabies. as if I'm going to accidentally contract it by looking at an animal wrong lol

Thank you so much for caring <3
I am sitting with shame. I'm "supposed" to be analyzing how that feels, but -- and I'm going to blame this on ADHD -- it keeps slipping away when I try to focus on it.

I know what's causing it. But I'm not sure if the cause NEEDS addressing.

I know, logically, that there is no reason to be ashamed. I am ashamed, but it isn't shameful. ...Right? Society says it is shameful, something only desperate people turn to to get a quick high. Lonely people. If I know logically that this isn't me, then why does the opinion of "society" matter?

Thinking about it hurts in my chest. I feel I can't voice what's on my mind -- it's wrong. But I know it isn't. My family was saying weird things to me about it since I was a child. The pedophile did. It isn't my burden to bare. It literally means nothing, but it's still bothering me once a month or so. A little more strongly now that I've chosen to stop ignoring it.

I'm glad, I guess, that I don't live in a time that's as concerned about it as it could be. It's not a big deal. I see traces of it on this website frequently and it's been a comfort. It's a lot to work through. Emotions are not facts, and are not proof of an inevitable fate. But they are evidence that something needs attention.

It would help a lot if it weren't tied to trauma. If I'd found out about it any other way.

Okay, that's the core of the shame, then. Exercise done. Back to writing 20,000 words, and being 40,000 words under my required minimum. No wonder I'm overwhelmed. I'm struggling to get disability services and the fear of failure -- a core part of ADHD -- is paralyzing me. My advisor called saying she was "worried." It didn't even occur to me to say that I was worried, too. I was passive-defensive, as I like to call it. That is, I told her I had a plan, laid one out on the phone call, and then acted like I wasn't worried at all.

It is true that I will bounce back. I'm capable. But it sucks that my first response was damage control. I've been going through a LOT. "Burnout" is a bit of an understatement. I am going to write today, but I haven't written in two months and the thought of writing is making me tired. But I can at least try.

Setting a timer for ten minutes. Going to write for ten minutes. Just did above, going to for a topic that's WAY more fun now :P