That definitely sounds like OCD to me. I'm really sorry you're struggling with this so much. You're not any of those things your brain is afraid you might be, I promise.
of course you can blame your dad. You were a child who was following instructions from the person who was supposed to keep you safe and feel loved. Instead he pitted his kids against each other in some kind of sick game for his amusementBut this time I was talking about my guilt. I had previously, before my dad was out of the house, been bullying my little brother. It was encouraged by my father since I was a little kid, and I’m so ashamed of it that I can’t blame my dad.
Death threats from kindergardners. That is heartbreaking -- and ti shows how horrid your childhood was -- NOT how horrible you wereI loved my little brother but I made his life harder, to the point that he was giving me death threats when he and I were in kindergarten.
This makes me so sad. If someone had just listened to you things would have been so different. I hate that you were let down over and overI even told a school counselor about it (which obviously resulted in nothing because “poor people are just like that”).
People who are capable of hurting others? Don't worry about it. They plan it, they thrive on it, they enjoy it. They can't wait for the chance to hurt someone.But currently I keep fearing I’m going to hurt my **platonic** friends. Especially the one I see in person regularly, who I’m not attracted to and view like a sibling.
You were in a horrible situation as a child where following instructions kept you safe - no matter how vile those instructions wereAnd I have never sexually assaulted anyone (willingly (I was a child)) in my entire life.
nope. nope. nopeBut I was uncomfortable the whole time and just trying to figure out if my physical reaction meant I was into... that, like the pedo said.
also, thank you for thisYou are not a monster.
You have never been a monster
You are not the bad guy in any of these situations
You are someone who survived horrific abuse, doing things she had to do to stay alive.
Which means you are someone pretty damn remarkable.
Of course! And keep reminding me cause yknow my brain is like a sieve and stuff falls out(can you call me a "they," though? you told me to remind you!!