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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

I’ve thought about taking the pedo to court before, but I just realize how fruitless that would be.

He had an arrest warrant, but he had his brother, either a cop or friends with a cop, make it disappear.

My ex didn’t believe me about it, and that shouldn’t matter to me now but it does make me feel less confident that someone who “loved” me wouldn’t believe me UNLESS I found a way to get it back in court.

Worse, the warrant being thrown out likely means all the evidence is gone....

Although, my mom is the one who said the police said they couldn’t do anything about pedo turning up in my front yard asking to see me. That makes me feel unsafe here more than anything, but I was also still a kid. Teenager.

My mom has done nothing but disappointment me since. It’s not impossible that she did something wrong or called the wrong number or said the wrong thing.

All I can remember is her asking me in the moment if I was “sure” the pedo had really hurt me. Apparently she meant “are you sure it wasn’t your dad and you didn’t blame the guy moving to China to prevent his arrest?” But she did not say that until years later. So it could have been (a) untrue and (b) a coverup. In any case the damage was done and she has only done more to lose my trust since.

She relies on me for things she shouldn’t. I’ve been doing a professional’s work since I was 13. It’s been difficult learning to say no, and often I hire professionals which makes me feel better, but the truth is that this house is not and has never been my responsibility.

It’s awkward seeing adult kids in public doing stuff for their parents willingly and happily because I always feel guilt about it. But instantly remember that there’s a reason for the strict boundaries I’m trying to develop.

I would not have even met the pedo if it weren’t for my mom insisting my sister and help him out. He grabbed my sister’s butt and she told my mom she shouldn’t let me go over there anymore and my mom said I could do what I wanted. She yelled at me for years for “endangering other children by not telling on him,” when the reality is that I was brave to say something. Braver than HER because my goal had been to get my dad out. She still gets angry that I was “keeping secrets.” “Everyone knew but ME.” I never wanted her to know. A case manager forced me to.

My mom doesn’t feel like my mom. She’s just some roommate who happens to have an unhealthy amount of power over me. My actual parent is the cat who brought me food as a toddler, who is buried in an unmarked grave in the backyard because my mom hated him. She said so a week after he died, and I was only 13 but that was absolutely the moment I started to hate her.

“Get through a post about the pedo and how the government won’t believe you without evidence, without bringing up biological parent issues” challenge
I can’t believe I’ve been trying to move for this long. Moving back here was a mistake and my mom’s “help” for moving back in was atrocious and stressful. I should have went with remaining homeless. Guess I could still do that at any time, though.
Working on my thesis is difficult in this context. I’m sure it won’t be as good as my regular work will be one day.

I have a roommate option. I have a new job that I ACTUALLY like and won’t have to resign from in the first week for illegal things.

I’m just so worried at this point that something else will go wrong. My grandma is getting antsy about selling this house and has stopped paying for maintenance to pressure my mom out. My mom needs to go into a home but will only talk about this in the form of cryptic nightmares she’s had about being shoved into the attic.

I was doing better with ocd, anxiety, hair pulling, and suicidal ideation before I moved back here. I’m still doing great but god and gods do I hate it here.

My five acquired cats help tho

My service dog tries but is a little too old. I should have one other one by now but my savings got depleted by my mom’s bad decisions (indirectly, I guess? I could have sat around with no running water, I guess) and even better my mom is re-hoarding spaces I cleaned. And blaming me and her other least-loved kids for it.

Good job, me, on the vet tech job tho. Hope you save a life
To be clear my mom is fine 90% of the time, especially when we aren’t living together. But she’s never felt like a parent and yes I do feel guilty about it but maybe that wasn’t my responsibility.

Is this discussion helping me or am I ruminating? I better stop for today
I was raised with the belief that you could only follow one person at a time. My dad didnt want us talking to our mom because he got jealous, so our mom wouldn't talk to us as children. That pedo didn't want me having friends, even with my own siblings and especially not with other adults, although he ended up valuing the friendship i formed with his mother after being forced to help care for her. My ex girlfriend was deeply possessive and would become emotionally unstable if she saw me talking to someone else, no matter who it was (please don't judge, i was a child and my mom acted like this was normal and did not say anything to me about this). My ex didnt want me making friends in college, or even taking time to have privacy and be with myself, despite her cheating. She was jealous of the love i had for me, when I started getting better.

One of the first things i did when I broke up with Brandi was take myself, and Fungus, out on a date. I started doing my hobbies again, like hiking, without fear.

I am now able to have healthy friendships, which is fabulous, and a healthier relationship with myself/myselves, but I feel my anxiety over this could sabatoge my relationships if I don't stay aware. And that is exhausting on it's own.

I have two really close friends and neither are jealous of any other friendships i have. I have lots of other friends who i struggle to talk with regularly, but they don't seem upset about me taking time for myself, nor do even my close friends seem to mind if I go quiet for long periods of time (except for the one who is my sibling).

This is part of why I'm afraid to date. I feel confused about how i would prioritize my friends and family. I feel worried that a girlfriend will say i can't have my absolute closest friend living near us or that i cant visit him every day after work.

I feel worried that my SO would try to prevent me from having deep and meaningful friendships.

This is coming from someone who is poly, who would be satisfied in a trouple instead of a couple. So it's odd that my brain is so fixated on this, if I ignore the history.

The more i talk with my sibling friend, the more i realize just how programmed i am. My brain takes strange things as commands, and even now a person I'm bonded to could tell me not to think about others and i would have to fight that in my mind for months. When I formed an unhealthy friendship a couple of years ago and went to my friend for help, i suddenly panicked when I thought he had told me as a command not to talk to that bad person anymore.

Saying this made me incredibly sad. I'll work to make sure this doesn't ever become an issue -- i am aware of it now, at least. I address it a little every day now. I know what a good friendship is like and I'm not scared of saying i may be on the aro spectrum in that i value friendships so much higher than romantic relationships (please don't tell me I'll change my mind with the right person, I'm ace (demi) as well and will let my own mind evolve with each new relationship).

My friendships with animals feel exactly as safe as some of my human friendships now. I consider this a win, but don't see a problem with feeling safe around other species.
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For my reference later


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I think you need to stop for a sec and realize what tremendous work you have already done. Because damn hun, you are so very, very much further along than you were even a year ago. Do you still have a ways to go? Yep - as we all do
But the progress you have made has been astounding so a moment of "yay me" is called for.

Just sayin....