Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[somerandomguy]

I see you working incredibly hard to make sense out of situations that, to be perfectly honest, don't make any sense at all.

Maybe he wasn't my friend -- a friend wouldn't do that to someone.

Friends don't do bad things to people who are their friends.

My issues feel incredibly unimportant in that context.

This is how you feel, but you may want to challenge this feeling a little bit. Maybe someone else's situation doesn't make your own better, or worse.

I want to do a study on dogs and find out if it's true that it only hurts them if they were puppies.

Oh @littleoc, I don't think you would like what you would find.

You are doing so well remembering all of this. It must be really difficult. Now maybe it's time to think through your feelings a little bit ... are your feelings rational? What if someone else went through what you went through? What would you want to tell them, and what would you want them to know?

 

[littleoc]

On the bright side, I got an education award signed by President Bush after the kidnapping. I still have it. The broken glass frame of it once cut off part of me, reminded me of the missing bit in my groin, but I had the letter and the signature and I'm still very proud of it, even if I was 11 when i got it.

I got it because after the "torture" (was it that?) and "kidnapping" (I always feel odd saying it but less odd than torture), after my mom dying and me being told I'd be dead next, maybe beheaded, maybe poisoned, maybe fed parasitic worms that would eat my insides until I died (like that North Korean man) -- I gave up doing homework. I was too depressed, and my dad wouldn't let me do homework anyway. I just thought about being dead a lot.

Then I realized I didn't want to die as a tragedy. Especially didn't want my mom to have to worry about it while she was dying. So I started doing ALL homework. My teacher thought I was cheating or something at first, because the school system had me listed as retarded but I was getting everything correct without really trying. Probably part of why i wasn't doing work, too -- it being too easy.

They let me "graduate" from the special ed hour room, which I got a toy or three for free because I was one of the rare cases of kids who tried hard enough to figure out my learning methods well enough to no longer need extra help.

I was slightly disappointed because I liked the break in the day to go elsewhere and get special help, but hey. I was also proud.

My grades went up to all A's, from F's. They would have let me go to the next year anyway -- No Child Left Behind. I didn't get politics, so to me it was simply a truth. But I had tried to do well in fourth grade, the year before, because the teacher guaranteed that ALL her students could become good kids. I wanted to be a good kid and not disappoint her or make her sad.

Then my teacher nominated me for the award, and I got it. I stood in an assembly and my mom was there, and the President of the United States was proud of me and emphasized how important education was.

I won't forget the positives that happened, but that one would be impossible to forget. It shaped my future, made me brave. I showed Pedo the empathy I wanted, and he let me go. My dad didn't kill me.

I plan to get a new frame for that award and put it on my wall where it belongs, along with all they awards that eventually followed in high school. And my BA in biology, soon, I hope!

 

[littleoc]

I see you working incredibly hard to make sense out of situations that, to be perfectly honest, do...

Thank you. I agree with everything you said, so I suppose it would help to keep going over that.

Now that I'm able to say that, I think I can do something in EMDR with it. I might have my therapist read this and see what she thinks. That would help change the irrational feelings.

When I think of it, I think of it like I'm an observer, and I have found that happens to a lot of people on this site. I take it to my fungus brain (fungi don't have brains!) and see that you're completely right, but I need to make myself believe it and go through my feelings about it now.

Thanks :)

 

[somerandomguy]

Go you!!!!!!

 

[Freida]

I kept wanting to defend pedo but your words confused me.

I bet they are HUGELY confusing! You were so programmed by pedo and your dad that this may be a change to your entire understading of your past. It's ok to just let the thoughts sit for a bit. And I don't want you to try to figure it out on your own. These are just things to get you thinking in a different way and to talk with your T about.

Maybe he wasn't my friend -- a friend wouldn't do that to someone.

Good girl!!!

No, I had another neighbor who NEVER abused me who filled that role. He was extremely religious, but kind and loved to hang out and teach us (my siblings and I) life lessons. He even paid for some of my textbooks in college. HE was my friend.

Yes!!!

My mom was dying while we were friends, but he didn't ask me if I was okay.

\
such an asshat.

Anyway, Aunt M should have noticed.

Yes!!! You are right! Because you deserved protection

My issues feel incredibly unimportant in that context.

nope --- your issues were hugely important -- even with everything else that was going on. I can actually relate to this one because while my life was falling apart my brother was going crazy and my mom was fighting cancer. So it made me feel horrible about whining about my "series of unfortunate events." And still does. Something I'm working on with my T.

I don't really want pedo to keep confusing me about the difference between friendship making and grooming.

I know -- but it might be important simply to understand how far you have come.... Good question for T

I got it because after the "torture" (was it that?) and "kidnapping" (I always feel odd saying it but less odd than torture),

Yes to torture.
Yes to kidnapping
Another thing I relate to --- my T is always telling me that the using the correct words is important because I'm so good at minimizing. And that's not beneficial to healing

I plan to get a new frame for that award and put it on my wall where it belongs, along with all they awards that eventually followed in high school. And my BA in biology, soon, I hope!

I am so excited to hear about your award!!!! You deserve to be hugely proud about it -- and getting your BA!
Someone said to me a long time ago ---"the best way to win is being happy in your life and loving what you are doing with it" .

You are well on your way to winning your in life. And I'm very proud of you!

 

[littleoc]

The male therapist I had as a kid made me feel betrayed, but not directly and it was absolutely human error. His goal had been to only have us in therapy for as long as necessary, and he hoped to prevent diagnosing us kids further by allieviating our bad coping skills. He worked with me and my little brother. When my little brother started doing well, he congratulated him and let him go.

Problem was, my brother quickly relapsed, and my mom just kind of ignored it. I guess she wanted to avoid it/seriously thought he didn't need therapy anymore. He started cutting with ACTUAL SWORDS, hadn't yet "admitted" that our dad had sexually abused him, and started getting so depressed that he broke every wall in his room, the windows, my mom's stuff, and was terrifying his entire family with anger outbursts -- which we all compared to our dad. (I feel incredibly guilty for this.) He got suicidal and cut himself deep one night, and I with my small amount of kids-under-18 nursing training had to save him.

This was surprisingly triggering to say.

I forgot I was angry at the amount of neglect we had as kids because of my mom's inabilities to react. She would just freeze up and let stuff happen. Wouldn't even get therapy to improve. It made me so, so angry.

It upsets me for the same reason that she hasn't called the Hoarder people yet despite agreeing she would. I'm becoming convinced that nothing will happen because my mom will never call. And I'll have to leave the house.. my service dog gets too stressed in that house, doesn't have a bed, has no place to play and be a dog, is forced to be in the way when she eats or drinks, has to compete for space with her cat friend, has allergies to the house (so do I, bad ones), can't even stay in the same room as me so can't help me with nightmates.. I hate pur house. It is a perfect example of my mom's neglect due to avoidance.

I think I'm going to start bringing it up constantly. I'm away from home for two weeks anyway -- her reactions can't exactly touch me here.

 

[Freida]

Can you call the hoarder folks for her? Or does she have to do it as the home owner?

Have you seen the episode from a few years back of the 18 year old guy who was living with his hoarder dad? It was heartbreaking because he wasn't a hoarder - his dad was. He was just caught up in it because dad couldn't cope and he felt he had to take care of him. The thing I remember most was when they got the house clean and he was putting glasses away in the kitchen. He started crying because it was the first time he had ever been able to put glasses in the cabinet and he was so excited to live in a clean home

Sometimes you have to do what is necessary to save yourself --- and that's ok. Sad. Yes. But it's OK to save yourself, even if you can't save those you care about.

 

[littleoc]

The thing I remember most was when they got the house clean and he was putting glasses away in the kitchen. He started crying because it was the first time he had ever been able to put glasses in the cabinet and he was so excited to live in a clean home

That's the exact thing I'm hoping for. I want a house, for once. And because I care deeply about the cat and about my service dog, and I feel it's a kind of neglect to make them live in a house like this.

It didn't actually occur to me that I could just get it done... She's not the homeowner -- not anymore. She would have been if it weren't for my dad, but currently my dad's stepmom owns the house. We're hoping to avoid getting her involved.

I really want my mom to agree to it and feel comfortable, but if it comes to it, i guess it would be like cleaning out a cut. Painful, but if you don't, it lasts longer and just gets worse. Sometimes a nurse just has to clean it up without your approval.

 

[littleoc]

I'm a bit depressed right now. I really don't want to go home.

Not because I don't want to be with my mom, but because she keeps being depressed and anxious and won't get treatment, and the house is still a disaster. I've been more comfortable sleeping on a couch. So hasn't service dog.

I feel helpless.




But, I refuse to be pessimistic. So... maybe I'll tell this to my sister and see what she's thinks. Maybe she can get my mom to do something.

I don't want to be drugged up again, just to be able to function in that horrible house.

 

[littleoc]

Oh, also, I finished my comps! So I'm going to graduate with a BA in biology :) so that's awesome!

 

[Freida]

I'm not sure if I've asked you before (my mind is a bit fuzzy today -- pain pills) but can you move out? I know you feel like you need to help your mom but are you taking on too much? At some point mom (who is an adult) will need to make her own decisions about her life. You can't make them for her. yes, I get that she is depressed and a hoarder and such, but she is making the choice to stay where she is. I don't fault her - its her normal. But it's not yours.

Can you get out for even a short time -- say a month or so- and take some time to think about the life you want for you? Maybe stay with a friend or family member?

And congrats again on the degree!!! I am so very, very proud of you!:hug::hug:

 

[littleoc]

I'm not sure if I've asked you before (my mind is a bit fuzzy today -- pain pills) but can you move out?...

It's okay, i don't know if you've asked it, either.

I am planning on working at this university for the summer. That should be good. That'll happen around a month from now.

I just really don't want to give up. I want the house to be nice. I feel like I should do something, and I've accepted that I can't alone so why can't my mom accept the help I wanted?

She even said she's a bit jealous of the progress I have made. Why can't she just get on board?

It just makes me think of when I kept warning her that my little brother was going to get fatally hurt by his cutting, and she wouldn't listen and avoided it and then I was the one who had to fix it when he did get that hurt. She doesn't listen to me. There was so much neglect when I was a teenager, after my psycho dad left.

I guess there's some stolkholm syndrome there or something, because he reminds me of those people in hostage situations -- where the person holding hostage allows food, or water, or free movement, and so the hostage starts liking the robber or whoever because they showed a kindness instead of killing. Sometimes my dad was nice and it made it feel like a blessing.

Meanwhile abuse for me continued simply because my mom couldn't get therapy and kept insisting it was too late for her, which is the stupidest statement ever.

I don't want to go home to a mess and feeing dirty again. It makes me tear up thinking about it.





Also, thank you!!! :) :) That degree, I hope, will help me get to a really nice place in my life! It's one step of many but it was a hard step, and I'm so glad I accomplished it!