Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

WHY is it three am? Why don’t I ever sleep?

I think I got it all out but im still anxious. This is clearly some kind of anxiety attack. Never had one like this before so didn’t recognize it. Just gonna walk my dog, breathe, shower, and color in a coloring book in bed. Maybe send a bird burrito to more friends.

I am a good daughter, I’ve just reached my limits. That’s fine. It explains why I’ve been slowly distancing myself emotionally from my mom. I keep talking to her and she keeps not listening. We’re toxic but now I really can’t leave. I need a new job. I need to apply to that lab job. But my bird is asleep in the computer room and I need sleep.

My head is KILLING me.

 

[Ronin]

Speaking about your Mom, if I'm reading you and remem right?

Yeah she should get professional nursing & medical care at a facility able to accomodate her. Home care and you are clearly not that.

Your health issues ARE real and deserve proper tending to.

Hope you can get sleep, and have you had things to eat / food on hand too?

I supose you might be lacking ATBs for the URI to no insurance, right? Would at least urinary teas be relieving a little if nothing else on hand, assuming you aint allergic to any of its components?

Kudos & strength on keeping up with so much. And may G-d take care of you and help your healing.

 

[littleoc]

Talking out loud helped. Time to focus on something positive.

Toy frogs. One large yellow one, one small green one, and one small orange one. The cat tried to steal the orange one today.

I went outside the other day and two large deer were looking around.

Nestle has a bachelors’ degree.

That house I rented in Sewanee was so beautiful. So vivid in my mind, too, because of the beautiful and how independent I felt. I felt like such an adult. Same for when I did my comp exams for my degree. I couch surfed, and the lack of address plus all the foods I made on a very low budget of $0, I felt like a king. I can still picture both places vividly. I stayed in the sorority house and it was lovely.

That last day in Iceland. I looked at myself naked in the mirror and I was covered in bruises and my skin was red where capillaries had gotten smushed from all the weight I had been carrying on my back, but goddamn did I look handsome anyway, and better yet that hot bath I took right after really eased away the soreness. I had all the data I needed to complete my research, I was going back to the US — id miss Iceland itself but not my group, and I was just so happy to be free of that group and I felt so accomplished that I had successfully hiked miles and miles while not perfectly healthy. Even climbed a glacier. The climate of the glacier was extraordinary. There was interesting life on top. The glacier is gone now, but it was beautiful.

There. Calm now. Gonna go get some sleep.

 

[Ronin]

Dear... sleep needs happen first.

Do not think of anything else now.
That all will wait.

Just need you safe from injuries if repeated seizures, and somewhere warm enough so you don't get sicker, and with some sugar in your system to help your brain along.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you, @Ronin, I really appreciate you. There’s been so much going on, I don’t think I was processing anything while grieving over my spider, if I’m honest. Food is a great idea. I’ll go make myself a quick something. Peaches and cottage cheese would be great. G-d bless you too, @Ronin <3

 

[Freida]

Its time to stop

You can't be every thing to every one.
At some point you have to choose to release them to live their own lives before they destroy yours. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but eventually there is no other choice.

You will have to decide - what is YOUR life worth?
Read over your last few posts and look at everything you have all ready sacrificed. And it's still not enough for them. They will demand more and more, using as much guilt as they have to, to keep you solving their problems.

At some point it has to stop.
Your life is worth more than their demands

It took me along time to learn this and in the end they were just fine without me. Because there is always some one who will take your place.
Go live your life and let them live theirs
Before it's too late.

Littloc you are an amazing, caring, good person.
You deserve so much more than this.
You deserve a life of your own. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Yeah, I know. But I DO need to figure out how to get her to a doctor or something... I don’t know how to do that right now but I need to or she’ll get really sick again.

 

[littleoc]

She has an appointment on Monday. I’ll have to figure out during the week if that’s soon enough. Lots of stuff to do. I do need to make an exit plan.

Happy Cinco de Mayo y’all

 

[Ronin]

Happy Cinco de Mayo to you too, Lil Oc ;)

And as to Mom, could you call her GP or hospital and enquire about transportation options with them directly?

I'm sure they would know who of services in the area handles which priority transport, as well as be able to advise more concretely on when to not delay moving her any more. And how to be safe & help if she protests that care.

All things you can ask about.
Don't have to figure this on your own. ;)

 

[littleoc]

True, true. And she seems okay right now. I’ll relax and figure it out in steps.

She wants to go grocery shopping and I think I’ll just let her for the sake of being done quicker and letting her be out of the house. With a mask. I feel I’m being unwise but to be fair I’ve been trying to shop all week. I’ll force her to wear a mask and not touch anything.

But the handicap carts... hm maybe I should call.

 

[littleoc]

They said they’re sanitizing the motorized carts before every new customer touches one. I guess that’ll do

 

[littleoc]

Much calmer now ??