Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Got one. I was at a friend's house, and his cat was asleep on his lap while we chatted. The cat, Munchie, woke up just enough to try to roll over, but she got stuck. She tried to use all her muscle weight to push herself off her back and onto her side, but she misjudged and ended up backflipping off my friend's lap. It was hilarious.

And today was fun. I went to the toy section at a local Walmart and enjoyed all the toys. I really want the lego octopus and lego parrot.

 

[somerandomguy]

Oh @littleoc. Before you go down the rabbit hole next time, could you post here first? Maybe we could help.

I even doubt I behave like a person.

I don't feel like a person.

You ARE a person. A worthwhile person. You behave like a traumatized person - which you are.

 

[bellbird]

You are a wonderful person, who I am so lucky to be able to call a friend :hug:

 

[Freida]

when I was with that pedophile.

Lets think about rewording this? You were never "with" him. "With" implies that you were in a relationships.
You weren't.
You were a child who being horribly abused by a pedophile.

I even doubt I behave like a person.

I'm constantly amazed that after all the horrible abuse you have been thru you can still be such a decent and loving human being. So yes hun -- you are a person.

I still feel like I have to talk about him like he was a boyfriend, or a very close best friend, and first of all I really hate that.

Remember -- this was his brainwashing. That's why you hate it - you know it's not true but haven't been able to get the programming completely out of your head.

hat has previously been something I avoided discussing because I feel like if I can't name a real trauma anniversary surrounding this, I must be faking the PTSD.

I has taken me several years to put the dates together with the trauma, and the only reason I'm sure about a couple of them is either a written record or a specific thing going on around the same time. Others? not so much still. Memory loss is one of the main components of ptsd remember?

Straight from the DSM
Negative changes in beliefs and feelings. The way you think about yourself and others changes because of the trauma. This symptom has many aspects, including the following:

• You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.
• You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
• You may think the world is completely dangerous, and no one can be trusted.

So I guess that is just more evidence that your ptsd is real huh? :hug:

I regret looking into the above memories. I clearly wasn't ready

I was looking thru an old photo album once and found a photo of mymonster at a party. Sent me into hysterics. Actual, real live hysterics. Because I just wasn't ready. So I put it awaySo now that you have looked at them it's completely ok to put them away for a while

 

[LuckiLee]

I just wanted to pop in and say hi. "Hi".

Thinking of you and I hope you're taking care of YOURSELF. ? ?

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, @LuckiLee ?? :hug:

May is a very hard month

 

[littleoc]

Simple reply because something triggered the mutism. Words are hard. May is an anniversary

It’s warmer now, sitting outside

Thanks @LuckiLee :)

 

[littleoc]

I am absolutely doing my best to take care of myself and make sure I am taking breaks on Shabbat.

My mom keeps asking me to move Shabbat back to Sunday because I have too many days that I’m refusing to talk about politics now. Not my problem though, that’s what you get for asking me to celebrate it on different days too often.

I have been getting a lot of work accomplished. I’ve been avoiding people a bit and really wish I was living alone because I don’t want to chat today. I feel bad about it but also not.

Soon I’ll be able to go over to my aunt’s to swim. I used to invite Brandi over to swim. She’d act like I was a burden to deal with, forcing her to come hang out with me. The person she was dating, you know.

 

[littleoc]

I’m a little overwhelmed. I keep wanting to tell someone. I missed all my therapy appointments because I couldn't look away from my ceiling. I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m being separated from everyone. Even my phone has been suggesting words I haven’t typed in years. Four years ago. That’s it, but I don’t get it. My entire life was trauma after trauma and it has to stop sometime.

I was unable you pick up my antidepressant. I’m afraid of it anyway. I’ve been having these dreams.

I had an overdose the night Brandi finally texted me back. I haven’t taken that drug since. She accused me of abusing her. I didn’t. I was over 100 miles away trying to avoid every urge to text her because it was over. It was over, and then she texted. And I wouldn’t have texted her back. I was so DONE with her SHIT. It shouldn’t’ve been prescribed to me from the start. I was supposed to take it three times a day and avoid salt to prevent an overdose. Overdose? The university head chef wasn’t accommodating me. I think he was overwhelmed. He suggested I eat from the homeline with used the least amount of salt. Doctor said I needed to be careful because too much salt would do something bad.

There wasn’t ENOUGH salt in the food. I don’t know why that’s matters, I don’t understand the medication they put me on. It did something and I was in a lot of pain but I didn’t go to the ER. I told Brandi I did because she said I was lying to abuse her. I’m trying to explain but it’s all coming out jumbled. It was an anniversary then too. The pedophile either got me or released me in May. Unclear on the details now.

 

[littleoc]

I’ve been trying to just take care of myself but my mom is not even trying.

 

[littleoc]

I felt so alone. I accomplished so much and then I hid in my little apartment for two weeks with no one but Brandi and no one was there. I would have blocked her. I was so close to getting away and then it somehow got worse. My last therapist insisted I’m wrong because I wasn’t being told to f*ck her from a hundred miles away but that’s not really true either.

 

[littleoc]

My goal was to make it all stop before I graduated undergrad. The day I broke up with her I went out with friends. I was so scared. I said, “I think i ruined someone’s life.” They all got quiet and looked at me. They were all younger than me. They are still people I consider my friends. But I keep wanting to ask why they didn’t say more. I broke up with my girlfriend of ten years and was too terrified to be sad. Or relieved. They just looked at me. Just looked at me.

I asked for help and I think they were just uncomfortable but I haven’t shaken how alone I felt. I feel alone NOW.

When I go to bed I use a sound machine. Back then it was total silence. I wanted to sleep so badly so I could stop thinking about Brandi. I stayed out with those friends until they basically kicked me out, because they had class in the morning. I eventually made it home on foot like always. I lived close. I carefully grabbed all my medications. Took some of everything I had with me. Put in headphone and blasted music. Pills worked. I was out for so long it was nighttime when I woke up again. It was so cold.