Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Rose White]

So sorry for your loss and your family’s grief

 

[littleoc]

Can't shake the feeling that I could have prevented this and that I wasn't kind enough and didn't do enough

 

[littleoc]

Her house is still a mess. I should have worked harder on it

 

[littleoc]

Is how it feels

 

[littleoc]

How do you go from someone being more than half your world to just. Gone

 

[littleoc]

Is life supposed to feel like one disaster after another

ETA: just feeling like a massive failure and I miss my mom very very much

 

[littleoc]

Got my chores done

 

[littleoc]

It was very difficult watching her do the breathing gasps of a dying person. I slept on a sleeping bag on the floor of the hospital that night. She made it to morning but she had stopped gasping. I knew it was over the night before, though, and I know that that type of breathing isn't painful or even uncomfortable to the dying person. But it hurts my heart anyway.

She was on every pain med. Including fent. It was the first time in a very long time she had been pain-free. She was relaxed that morning. The doctor looked ready to cry and like he felt so bad. Just heartbreaking. She survived so much worse before

She went very very peacefully and I have good memories with her. I know this is a trauma diary and I mostly use it to complain and be angry or depressed or some other feeling that I don't feel is "polite" to express in real life, but. I did mention that she did her best always, right? She did what she could for all of her children. She fawned and froze often but that's because my evil biological father was around. No one should have had to deal with him. I feel I was too hard on her, even though I never ever told her this.

I still feel I didn't bond to her correctly. I viewed a cat and a wall as my parental figure for years, but I never ever told her that, and I do love her, so I must have bonded correctly in some sort of way. I at least know she loved and I loved her and understood she was doing her best and just wanted to be there for her kids, even when she was so hard on herself. She never thought she was good enough, beautiful enough, lovable enough, etc.

I was so burned out trying to care for her because I wanted her to start taking better care of herself. I didn't want this to happen. I wanted her to live another thirty years. She was planning on making it to my nephew's, her grandson's, birthday party tomorrow. He's almost 10. She was excited and was saving money for it.

I wish I didn't have these horrible feelings. She wouldn't want me to feel this awful but I truly feel like a failed her. This hurts so much

Semi-feral child DID have a mom. She couldn't be with us as often as she wanted to because my dad was jealous of any attention she gave us. It's easy to angry at her for this but I'm not angry at all. I just want her back and I want to tell her that she did the best she could and learned a lot and was good enough for us

 

[Movingforward10]

How do you go from someone being more than half your world to just. Gone

I think , that when someone dies, there is a massive hole or gap or space that is no longer filled by their pyshical presence. And, as time passes and grief evolves, there are ways to fill parts of that gap. By memories, by love, by laughter, and that space then seems to shift a bit.

I was so burned out trying to care for her because I wanted her to start taking better care of herself. I didn't want this to happen

So painful @littleoc . I hope you can see you did everything you could for her.

I truly feel like a failed her. This hurts so much

You really didn't. You were there through out. Through hard times and better times. No one can ask for more than that.

I don't know if it helps to think about the stages of grief? I wonder if you are in the bargaining stage at the moment? It's all so painful, but these feelings and thoughts do morph and change. It's very very early days. Be kind to yourself and go gently with it.

 

[Teasel]

Much caring @littleoc big hug

 

[littleoc]

Feeling more at peace at the moment

 

[Freida]

You didn't fail her. It was simply her time to go.
You and she both did the best you possibly could have done to keep a relationship in the midst of a nightmare - and I think you both did a great job.. Was it perfect? Nope - but no relationship ever is. That doesn't mean it wasn't good.

Yes, you will miss her. My mom has been gone for 6 years and I still miss her every day. My dad too. But you won't forget her. You will be able to remember the good times without the pain of the bad ones. It just takes time.