Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Thank you

This is the worst pain I've ever felt. I miss her so much

Every 10 minutes feels like a decade

 

[littleoc]

Thank you for the support, it means a lot

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't know how you find grief, but I think it's such a strange embodied experience. It's like everything stands still.

When my Dad died I said that it felt like it took me ages to do absolutely nothing. Getting out of bed. Or making a cup of tea. My body just slowed right down and everything took a long time to do.

So, sitting with you as you feel all the feelings of this.

 

[Freida]

Oh hun I am so very, very sorry

 

[littleoc]

My OCD + chronic guilt really really wants me to use anxiety/survival instincts to find what I did wrong that lead to my mom's death.

I would live in a thousand times the filth to have her back :(

 

[littleoc]

I'm glad it was so peaceful

 

[Teasel]

My OCD + chronic guilt really really wants me to use anxiety/survival instincts to find what I did wrong that lead to my mom's death.

Good that you can see this.
Much caring @littleoc

 

[Freida]

My OCD + chronic guilt really really wants me to use anxiety/survival instincts to find what I did wrong that lead to my mom's death.

I would live in a thousand times the filth to have her back :(

Your ocd and guilt are wrong. You were there for her the entire time - even in the worst part of her mental challenges. Did you get frustrated with her? Of course - you are human and were living in a tough, tough situation. Does that mean you were a bad daughter? Not a chance.

Because even when she was at her worst and you were desperate to get out you still loved her and wanted to care for her. You, and the love you had for her, was probably a big reason she lived for as long as she did with all the challenges she was having.

She couldn't have asked for a better child because you did the only thing that matters. You loved her for who she was, faults and all.

So swing that feather duster at those negative thoughts and tell them I"ll be standing by if needed to bring in a bigger one to make them stop that nonsense.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you so much

 

[littleoc]

My OCD is bothering me significantly. Just getting through the days, though

 

[littleoc]

I'm just so worried that her death would have been prevented if id paid better attention. This is also how my aunt felt when her wife passed away. I imagine it's common even without the presence of OCD making it worse. Just trying to remember that my mom deserved the independence she wanted and wouldn't have wanted me to feel bad about her death.

But we all, including her, wanted her to live to 90 so she could pick up smoking again. She was going to turn 65 next month. That is too young.

 

[littleoc]

Lion passed away even younger. You can just find it to be your time at any age. Children death is the worst but yeah, any age. Life is an interesting experience