Well first of all I have been reading here for the last week and I have gotten some very useful information already. I still want to share my story and ask if all this has something to do with PTSD or not.
Sorry, this will get very long! Thank you for those who will make it through to the end.
My husband and I met each other 10 years ago in Germany. He was a believer in the Army and a very good soldier. We have been married 5 years now and started having problems about three years ago. He did two Iraq tours and after the first one I noticed he wasn't that happy like he used to be anymore but didnt put too much thought into it because war changes you. My husband was always very affectionate, we are that couple that holds hands, cuddles on the couch and falls asleep arm in arm. Well back to 2008, my husband was stationed in the States, we both visited each other back and forth, he finally was able to get stationed in Germany again. We were both very excited, but after only being there a week, he freaked out, said, he doesn't want "us" anymore and go back to the States asap, doesn't want to move together etc. (we havent lived together before because I was Finishing School in Germany). After a few days he said he didnt mean the things he said, he just got nervous etc. We eventually moved and everything was fine. Whenever we were out at a bar or a party he drank a lot and didnt know when to stop. He got extremely stubborn, would Not want to go home with me, get extremely aggressive verbally and just ran off in the Middle of nowhere instead of going home at one point. He used to get drunk before every now and then, but always had fun, never got mad.
2009 came, we got in a few stupid fights, mostly about drinking. There was a situation he just took off in the Car, drunk. He finally went into counseling, talked about iraq, later on about us. He started running. Would run 6 or more miles a Day, quit drinking completely. He felt good. The therapist diagnosed PTSD and if I remember right (he didnt talk about his sessions that much) a form of bipolarity and alcohol abuse. He would get extremely mad at other soldiers, tell me about their stupidity etc. His whole view about the Military changed into something bitter and he started thinking about getting out, also because he started having more back Problems. Because of those he was actually skipping a deployment tour and stayed back. I was so happy because we both thought he would not be able to do another tour. The Year turned out to be horrible though. He was working a lot, covering up for others, getting home late only to place himself on the couch to Play Video Games. He would not go out of the house, did not pay much attention to me, basically Zero, but would start fights stating I would long for 24hour attention etc. Weekends....sitting at Home with him or doing something by myself. It was a high light to just have his company by going grocery shopping etc. Family Events...we were about getting ourselves ready and he would just cancel at the very last moment, too stressy, Not Feeling good etc. He didnt commit to anything he originally told me. He would grind His teeth at night or sweat so much I would wake up Nest to him being soaked myself.
He would stop his anti depressants from one day to another but not tell me. He'd say he would Be back at 2am, yet still at 11am he would Not answer His phone although he knew I was worried. He would just Sleep over at some other Couple's house and be stubborn.
There was a few months when things went extremely well, he was like the perfect husband and I decided to ask him when we would want to have kids one day since he was about to get outof the Army and I wanted to know when. We always agreed on having some. He totally freaked out again and said he wants to start over life, he feels not ready to be a Dad (he was 31) and he wanted to Move back stateside and all that without me.
Only a few more weeks earlier we decided to stay in Germany for another few years. Because of his issues I didnt want to put myself in an unstable situation. He wanted to be separated, would not call for a week. A Few weeks later I told him of he wants to end things like he said he would have to look into divorce Info. He said he would, came over, sat down next to me, started explaining and then hell broke Loose. He totally Lost it, was sobbing and crying like a baby, hiding the divorce Information under stacks of Books because he couldnt Look at them and just cried himself out in my arms, telling me he didnt Know what to do, I was the best thing that could happen to him, etc. After that....nothing again. He was actually living in His office for weeks, Not going out anywhere. Then the Shopping started. He would buy Shoes, more shoes, Ski utensils, clothes, and lots of knives. He would sit in the basement and clean and arrange knives. He would do everything extreme. Whether skiing, collecting, poker, playing ps3, making bracelets etc.
We actually lived together again, waiting for him to get out of the Army. He started caring again, Not like he used to but he felt a lot better once he got out. The Plan was that he would go "Home" to his family for a few months, his plan was to heal himself to feel better and to eventually feel better for us. Everything was going very well besides some mother-attacks. His Mother did not want him to go back to me, his wife, she constantly talked bad about me, they had a few fights about me in which he constantly had to take sides for me. We had contact about ever other day, keeping us updated with each other, laughing, joking, making plans about little trips etc. He sold his car in the States, gave a lot of his stuff to the Salvation Army so he would not have so much to ship back, informed himself for colleges (after 5months of doing absolutely nothing in the States besides PS3, Talking to mom and biking every now and then).
He spent several thousand dollars on shipping.
He came and was just so relaxed, happy to be with me again. He was excited. He started everything here to be in Germany officially. He would send me sweet messages to work or call me and ask if i would call him again later. After only 3 days here he started looking for Jobs at His old military base. He would do everything in the garden,go shopping, bring me to work, Pick me up, we had a wonderful Time....for ONE WEEK! We were about to get ready to get some stuff when all the sudden he changed his whole self into something cold and say he could not stay here, he needed to go back to the States, he could not even find a Job here (After a Week) and he just tried and tried, he Loves me but he doesn't feel like he used to be. He would just want to be alone, he hates to compromise and he just wants to go to colorado, ski, bike and go to college there. In just a few minutes he packed all his stuff, stuff he just wanted to share with me the Night before, and called a friend, who also didnt know about anything, to pick him up. I was so much in shock that I couldnt even say much. He left with "I'll call you!" which sounded more like "dinner is ready!"
Two days earlier he wanted me to help him with His German driver's license, told me he wanted to buy a small German Car etc etc. He would read His book to me and carress my hair and all the sudden, a 180 degree turn.
From His friend I know he wanted to leave in the next 24 hours but he made him stay at his place for the next 10 days. He didnt answer my messages, Emails. He picked up the phone once but all he Said was he didnt Know what to say. I got another message from the airport, saying he didnt know what to say other than that he was sorry and that this would be the best.
Later on His friend told me he said he loved me, loved me to death but he felt stuck in Germany. Well okay thank you for discussing this with me..
So this is it. Three weeks later I still have not heard anything. All i have is His mother's address and his email.
His grandmother I regularily wrote with, was also in shock, especially since he spent some days over there with her during those he was only telling her how much he loved me and how he feels like we can finally start fresh and he felt everything would be working out now.
I cannot believe that all these messages and Emails he sent me on a regular base, were fake. If he didnt feel like he was in Love with me anymore, why even care what I was doing back home, why talking to his family we would be spending Christmas with them? Why all the sudden trying to speak German so hard and spending time with my parents and helping them while I was gone? Why even mentioning to me a day before he left he was looking at a new engagement ring for me? Well this is also weird since we have been married for quite some time.
What do i do now? Wait several months until he contacts me? Forget about my husband asap?
What is wrong with him? Is he just a very indecisive A**hole or is this common for ptsd?
I am his wife but I feel like some random girl he knew for a little bit and just got dumped.
<Please insert full line spaces between paragraphs. Thanks Amethist
Sorry, this will get very long! Thank you for those who will make it through to the end.
My husband and I met each other 10 years ago in Germany. He was a believer in the Army and a very good soldier. We have been married 5 years now and started having problems about three years ago. He did two Iraq tours and after the first one I noticed he wasn't that happy like he used to be anymore but didnt put too much thought into it because war changes you. My husband was always very affectionate, we are that couple that holds hands, cuddles on the couch and falls asleep arm in arm. Well back to 2008, my husband was stationed in the States, we both visited each other back and forth, he finally was able to get stationed in Germany again. We were both very excited, but after only being there a week, he freaked out, said, he doesn't want "us" anymore and go back to the States asap, doesn't want to move together etc. (we havent lived together before because I was Finishing School in Germany). After a few days he said he didnt mean the things he said, he just got nervous etc. We eventually moved and everything was fine. Whenever we were out at a bar or a party he drank a lot and didnt know when to stop. He got extremely stubborn, would Not want to go home with me, get extremely aggressive verbally and just ran off in the Middle of nowhere instead of going home at one point. He used to get drunk before every now and then, but always had fun, never got mad.
2009 came, we got in a few stupid fights, mostly about drinking. There was a situation he just took off in the Car, drunk. He finally went into counseling, talked about iraq, later on about us. He started running. Would run 6 or more miles a Day, quit drinking completely. He felt good. The therapist diagnosed PTSD and if I remember right (he didnt talk about his sessions that much) a form of bipolarity and alcohol abuse. He would get extremely mad at other soldiers, tell me about their stupidity etc. His whole view about the Military changed into something bitter and he started thinking about getting out, also because he started having more back Problems. Because of those he was actually skipping a deployment tour and stayed back. I was so happy because we both thought he would not be able to do another tour. The Year turned out to be horrible though. He was working a lot, covering up for others, getting home late only to place himself on the couch to Play Video Games. He would not go out of the house, did not pay much attention to me, basically Zero, but would start fights stating I would long for 24hour attention etc. Weekends....sitting at Home with him or doing something by myself. It was a high light to just have his company by going grocery shopping etc. Family Events...we were about getting ourselves ready and he would just cancel at the very last moment, too stressy, Not Feeling good etc. He didnt commit to anything he originally told me. He would grind His teeth at night or sweat so much I would wake up Nest to him being soaked myself.
He would stop his anti depressants from one day to another but not tell me. He'd say he would Be back at 2am, yet still at 11am he would Not answer His phone although he knew I was worried. He would just Sleep over at some other Couple's house and be stubborn.
There was a few months when things went extremely well, he was like the perfect husband and I decided to ask him when we would want to have kids one day since he was about to get outof the Army and I wanted to know when. We always agreed on having some. He totally freaked out again and said he wants to start over life, he feels not ready to be a Dad (he was 31) and he wanted to Move back stateside and all that without me.
Only a few more weeks earlier we decided to stay in Germany for another few years. Because of his issues I didnt want to put myself in an unstable situation. He wanted to be separated, would not call for a week. A Few weeks later I told him of he wants to end things like he said he would have to look into divorce Info. He said he would, came over, sat down next to me, started explaining and then hell broke Loose. He totally Lost it, was sobbing and crying like a baby, hiding the divorce Information under stacks of Books because he couldnt Look at them and just cried himself out in my arms, telling me he didnt Know what to do, I was the best thing that could happen to him, etc. After that....nothing again. He was actually living in His office for weeks, Not going out anywhere. Then the Shopping started. He would buy Shoes, more shoes, Ski utensils, clothes, and lots of knives. He would sit in the basement and clean and arrange knives. He would do everything extreme. Whether skiing, collecting, poker, playing ps3, making bracelets etc.
We actually lived together again, waiting for him to get out of the Army. He started caring again, Not like he used to but he felt a lot better once he got out. The Plan was that he would go "Home" to his family for a few months, his plan was to heal himself to feel better and to eventually feel better for us. Everything was going very well besides some mother-attacks. His Mother did not want him to go back to me, his wife, she constantly talked bad about me, they had a few fights about me in which he constantly had to take sides for me. We had contact about ever other day, keeping us updated with each other, laughing, joking, making plans about little trips etc. He sold his car in the States, gave a lot of his stuff to the Salvation Army so he would not have so much to ship back, informed himself for colleges (after 5months of doing absolutely nothing in the States besides PS3, Talking to mom and biking every now and then).
He spent several thousand dollars on shipping.
He came and was just so relaxed, happy to be with me again. He was excited. He started everything here to be in Germany officially. He would send me sweet messages to work or call me and ask if i would call him again later. After only 3 days here he started looking for Jobs at His old military base. He would do everything in the garden,go shopping, bring me to work, Pick me up, we had a wonderful Time....for ONE WEEK! We were about to get ready to get some stuff when all the sudden he changed his whole self into something cold and say he could not stay here, he needed to go back to the States, he could not even find a Job here (After a Week) and he just tried and tried, he Loves me but he doesn't feel like he used to be. He would just want to be alone, he hates to compromise and he just wants to go to colorado, ski, bike and go to college there. In just a few minutes he packed all his stuff, stuff he just wanted to share with me the Night before, and called a friend, who also didnt know about anything, to pick him up. I was so much in shock that I couldnt even say much. He left with "I'll call you!" which sounded more like "dinner is ready!"
Two days earlier he wanted me to help him with His German driver's license, told me he wanted to buy a small German Car etc etc. He would read His book to me and carress my hair and all the sudden, a 180 degree turn.
From His friend I know he wanted to leave in the next 24 hours but he made him stay at his place for the next 10 days. He didnt answer my messages, Emails. He picked up the phone once but all he Said was he didnt Know what to say. I got another message from the airport, saying he didnt know what to say other than that he was sorry and that this would be the best.
Later on His friend told me he said he loved me, loved me to death but he felt stuck in Germany. Well okay thank you for discussing this with me..
So this is it. Three weeks later I still have not heard anything. All i have is His mother's address and his email.
His grandmother I regularily wrote with, was also in shock, especially since he spent some days over there with her during those he was only telling her how much he loved me and how he feels like we can finally start fresh and he felt everything would be working out now.
I cannot believe that all these messages and Emails he sent me on a regular base, were fake. If he didnt feel like he was in Love with me anymore, why even care what I was doing back home, why talking to his family we would be spending Christmas with them? Why all the sudden trying to speak German so hard and spending time with my parents and helping them while I was gone? Why even mentioning to me a day before he left he was looking at a new engagement ring for me? Well this is also weird since we have been married for quite some time.
What do i do now? Wait several months until he contacts me? Forget about my husband asap?
What is wrong with him? Is he just a very indecisive A**hole or is this common for ptsd?
I am his wife but I feel like some random girl he knew for a little bit and just got dumped.
<Please insert full line spaces between paragraphs. Thanks Amethist
