Compassion For Self And Vulnerability

[sun seeker]

I am going through a massive internal rearranging process. The latest thing I am working on is having compassion for myself. It's hard to explain how I got to this point, but there was a sudden shift recently and even though for many years I've heard "it wasn't your fault" over and over relating to past abuse, it never sunk in. I could understand that for others, but not for myself, nor could I apply it to my life and make decisions based on it. They were just words. That's shifted significantly and for the first time, I know that the abuse was not my fault, that I was innocent, and so am going through a shift in how I look at and feel about my life. Compassion for myself is very new.

Along with compassion comes vulnerability. I found - and again, could not have known this had I not felt it, even though I could have parroted the words - that letting go of blaming myself meant opening myself to a flood of emotions. If it wasn't my fault, if I had no control over it, that meant feeling how small and vulnerable I actually was and beginning to feel the extent of the trauma.

So far, so good. It seems like life keeps putting lessons in front of me to make sure I've got the point though, and I must remember to ask that the lessons come gently and kindly instead of with the force of a sledgehammer. I started catastrophizing over the situation I am in right now, which I won't get into in detail, but there is some financial uncertainty and being in a position of waiting for other people - which I am terrible at - and relying on the good will of others. I am not able to work right now. My mind started going into some terrible places over what could potentially happen - worst case scenario stuff. And then wondering why, after such a huge breakthrough, I was back in what felt like the same place, worrying over the same stuff, with other people ruling my life.

This morning I was sick of this and went for a walk, and on the walk I opened myself to the possibility that this was not actually "being in the same place again" but a new learning opportunity. And I saw it: the word for what I was feeling was "vulnerable." There was a difference from how I would have felt about this in situation in the past. I was feeling my vulnerable position and the fear and uncertainty that come with it, but with compassion for myself. There was no shame, no self blame, no telling myself I'm in this position because I'm bad/lazy/undeserving, etc. I understood clearly that my vulnerable position right now is because of what happened to me in the past, that I am not any of those things I used to call myself, that I am on a healing journey and doing the best I can. And that I am willing to accept help, and that there is actually every reason to suppose this situation will resolve and be just fine.

I still feel a bit shaky and scared, and wish it could be resolved NOW. But it feels like I'm experiencing the situation as it really is, NOW, and not mixing it up with all the baggage of THEN.

I'm wondering about other people's experiences in learning to apply compassion for self and how it relates to vulnerability in the present, and whether this makes it easier to separate past and present. I hope my rambling thought process makes sense... do ask me to clarify if not!

 

[Marie-Lou]

What a beautiful unfolding! I am happy for you.

In my experience, self-blame/guilt is at times a necessary game we play to protect ourselves so we do not freak out at realizing how much we are in the mercy of fools, violent fools. Thus, we pretend that we are in control by imagining that the abuse was/is our fault.

If I imagine that I did the good "wrong" thing, it implies that I could have done the "right" thing. In reality, there was nothing I could have to prevent the abuse.

So, letting go self-blame (an illusion) allows vulnerability to take its righteous place inside of ourself.

At first, my feelings of vulnerability were overwhelming at times, like any new realization, but my strengths came back in view, co-existing with my vulnerabilities.

The good part is that our vulnerabilities are the precise thing that allow us to feel alive, to relate to others with candor, to relate to ourself with caring.

Cheers!

 

[deer_in_headlights]

If I could "like" your post a million times, I'd do it for you, @sun seeker !!!
:woot::tup::woot: Hooray!!!
This is such a profound and wonderful shift!!! :hug:
The back and forth, and emotional states that arise from recognizing this can be so amazing and confusing, all at the same time. That's good - it certainly breaks up congealed thinking of how we feel about ourselves, others and the world!

I also excel in catastrophic thinking, something one of my T's was working with me on, this week.

Very similar conditions, working through... I hear you! I'm right with you!
:hug:

 

[sun seeker]

In my experience, self-blame/guilt is at times a necessary game we play to protect ourselves so we do not freak out at realizing how much we are in the mercy of fools, violent fools.

Yes, precisely. It's an impossible thing for a child to take in. Self blame is an obvious solution. It has been a complicated thing to untangle for me partly because I also developed amnesia around the worst of the abuse (another very common solution) so for a long time there was plausible deniability: "Well, but it wasn't all THAT bad, so it must be that I'm just messed up for no particular reason." I'm not sure whether I could have come to this place of compassion without first remembering how bad it really was. Not sure about that though. I'd be interested in other people's experience of this.

At first, my feelings of vulnerability were overwhelming at times, like any new realization, but my strengths came back in view, co-existing with my vulnerabilities.

That is a wonderful thing to hear, thank you for sharing that. This is so new to me that I'm not yet seeing the strength part in myself.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you for all the encouragement, @deer_in_headlights!

 

[Friday]

Yep. I like things to be my fault, because if they're my fault? Illusion of control. My fault = I can fix it.

If it's not my fault, then I'm not in control.
If it's not my fault, (also) I either can't fix it, or am cleaning up someone else's mess.

<chuckling> I don't usually mind cleaning up after people most of the time, that's actually been part of most of my job descriptions, but I have very finite -if weird- boundaries on that one. ((Like I have no problem cutting someone out of a wrecked car. Good times. But I have major problems watching people do things that could lead to my having to cut them out of a wrecked car. )) So it's far less the cleaning up someone else's mess & far more losing the illusion of control. But I sometimes decide to focus on the thing I'm not actually pissed over, and focus on the cleaning up, rather than control (or lack thereof) & whether or not something can be fixed.

 

[sun seeker]

You bring up an important point here @FridayJones. I have the idea that self blame becomes more of a problem when it comes from trauma in childhood, because it then becomes ingrained in our sense of self. This is the difference between guilt ("I did something wrong - but I can fix it") which I think it what you are talking about, and shame ("I am bad, so everything that goes wrong is my fault... always was, always will be"). What I am talking about letting go of is shame that has touched everything about my life. It doesn't make me stronger, rather the opposite. I would expect that through the process of letting that go, I will gain a sense of what I actually am responsible for and what I can do about it, instead of feeling responsible for everything but in control of nothing. I hope so, anyway.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

You have written exactly what I am currently going through. At least from what I understand. Everything you wrote was very clear and made perfect sense. I don't think you need to edit you post. IMHO.

Thanks for putting the energy into writing this. It's very validating to me to see that someone else is experiencing this. I feel less alone.

I am also unable to work right now, for the same reasons. It's pretty damn difficult, but I am just now realizing that I AM vulnerable right now and beating myself up for not working is very unkind. I am trying to honor where I am right now, because for so long I have only been dismissing and disrespecting MY needs and wants in lieu of favoring others.

My soul sees your soul.
Namaste and xoxo

 

[sun seeker]

I am just now realizing that I AM vulnerable right now and beating myself up for not working is very unkind.

Yes! And if you can stop beating yourself up about it, does that free up energy and mental clarity to think about what to do about it? This whole concept is new to me, but I am getting the sense that I've been spending an awful lot of energy - and this area of my life is only one example out of many - on self blame, and if I were able instead to use that energy on how to heal and move forward, I'd get where I want to go a lot faster and easier.

And I have the feeling that a lot of people have tried to tell me exactly that over the years, but it took something clicking in my brain for me to see it.

My soul sees your soul.

Thank you so much. You are very kind. May many good things come your way.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

if you can stop beating yourself up about it, does that free up energy and mental clarity to think about what to do about it?

Gosh...I wish I could give you an absolute YES...but I can't. It's constant struggle--daily, hourly, by the minute sometimes. Like you my unemployed status is not my only source of shame or guilt. On good days I can answer YES to your question. On good days I edit my resume and search for jobs. On good days I forget that I am shadowed by an insidious C-PTS creature.

But then the little sneaky thoughts creep in. I don't have a decent enough wardrobe for office work (because I've gained weight due to illness/fatigue/hardly ever leaving the house or the couch). I can't afford new clothes because I don't have money because I don't have a job because I'm too lazy and damaged to work. And because my complex post traumatic stress pretty much damaged my marriage before it even started which led my husband (the Carer) to cheat on me and now we are separated, paying two sets of bills, a rent and a mortgage. And if I manage to get new clothes and a job, I will just ruin it anyway because my symptoms cause my to be hypervigilant to real or perceived criticism and the exhaustion from the hypervigilance will cause me to get sick and miss work, heightening the vigilant watching for criticism from the Boss.

And on

and On

and

ON.

I constantly have to work hard to stay mindful and reset those thoughts when I notice them taking over. Sometimes I don't notice for a few days. The negative thought cycles take so much energy that I pretty much stay on the couch watching Netflix most of the time eating only frozen burritos and Lucky Charms.

I can help myself regain positivity by telling myself that I have overcome so much recently. I have the courage and the strength and the will to heal and become a more complete person. But only if I can stop the self-invalidation that has been ingrained in me since BIRTH. That's a lot of altered neurons to deal with. Often it also helps to picture my inner child. Hold her and tell her it's ok and promise to give her all the time she needs to heal. That's pretty powerful imagery if you can manage it.

Mindfulness, Buddhist teachings and the Tao te Ching help me also. I try to keep those teachings in mind so they are accessible when I need them. I participated in and completed a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) program which I find invaluable and highly recommend to everyone.

The fact that you've heard this advice a long time before you were able to put it into action does not reflect negatively on you. Things happen in their own time.

I think you are very kind as well.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

I'm sorry if that was depressing. I don't intend to be discouraging AT ALL!
This is my reality, seen through a rough lens.

I'm not discouraged; I see a long, hard road with gifts and treasures along the way and a beautiful light just ahead..

 

[Suzetig]

I hear what you say about not blaming yourself meaning you become open to all the emotions around the trauma, I think that's where I am just now - trying to move away from self hatred but knowing that this means acknowledging I was treated very badly and had no control over that and. O way to keep myself safe. I need to think about what you've written but it chimed with me, thanks,