Complications

[Smorck5]

I haven't been on this Forum for some time as I've been working very hard to get a hold of my PTSD. I am now discovering through therapy that my PTSD is not the only cause of my marriage problems although my husband would disagree.

My T today suggested that my husband my have a mild form of narcissistic personality disorder. I know what your thinking a girl with complex PTSD meets a boy with NPD should be a what not to do self help book, or at least it has the makings of a made for TV movie.

At first I dismissed this my husband is always hungry for praise 100% focused on work and ignores my needs, but he's never been controlling or abusive to me. Flash forward to tonight and hours of reading up on NPD and I came across a line that jumped out and pretty much slapped me in the face "Some NPD abusers consistently forget about the promises they have 
made which are most important to their partners." This has been the biggest complaint that I have had in the last 10 years of my relationship.

Now I'm seeing that his issues are setting off mine he acts likes or really doesn't think my needs are important and I feel rejected and try to be better flawless just as I've been trained to do from childhood.
So what does this mean can we fix this should I give up and try to save my children from living under the roof of two messed up people. How did I let this happen?

 

[PerfectEmpire]

1. So what does this mean It means you might be in a codependent relationship with a narcissist.

2. can we fix this I am of the opinion that if both people are completely dedicated to a marriage almost anything can be resolved. However, if your husband is severely narcissistic (dedicated to himself) he might be resistant to taking any real responsibility for his own issues/actions/faults. Taking responsibility is different from whining and feeling ashamed/guilty. Narcissists can be very good at whining rather than doing. It really depends on how severe his condition is and how much you are willing to accept. Once the kids are out of the picture, if you're fine with his behavior then it's really just a matter of preference. But if there are kids involved, you have the responsibility to protect your children. After all, they didn't choose their father. You chose him - and you can leave him. They don't get that kind of freedom until they are adults. Don't hold your kids captive in an unpleasant household...

3. should I give up and try to save my children from living under the roof of two messed up people. Does the father verbally abuse them, is he incredibly picky, overly strict, or demeaning? Is it emotionally safe to be around him or is he volatile and unpredictable? If he is safe (not just physically but emotionally) then why remove kids from their father? But please don't underestimate the power of more covert forms of abuse. Google "covert abuse" and see if it is happening to you. If covert abuse is going on, get out fast!

4. How did I let this happen? You probably had no idea what a normal, healthy person or relationship looks like and therefore could not recognize a toxic relationship or unstable person because toxic and unstable are 'normal' to you. Part of recovering from complex PTSD is learning to recognize unstable/toxic people and set healthy boundaries to keep them away in order to preserve your own stability/sanity! You probably knew narcissists (or something similar) growing up and it was presented to you as acceptable behavior so as an adult you saw no reason for concern when you met this man.

 

[Smorck5]

Thank you for taking the time to reply in such detail its very helpful. I'm still not even sure if what is going on in our marriage is abuse since it is so unlike what I know abuse to be. He never yells or insults me he just simply ignores my feelings and sometimes my existence all together. He will not open up and share his feelings with me and yes he whines all the time and complains about everything even when our whole world revolves around him. When I get sick of it always being about him and say something he acts as if he has no idea what i'm talking about and makes me feel like I'm crazy.

He does seem to be willing to admit he has a problem and fix it but then again I've heard that before. As far as the children go he works 24-7 and hardly see's them for more then a meal and bed time story. He is short with them and wants everything to be perfect but I have not allowed that go on. Trust me coming from an abusive childhood there is no one I wouldn't take on to protect them. I'm more worried that as his ignoring me sets off my fears and triggers of not being worthy of love and abandonment. That my healing will come to a stop and my children will not get the mother the deserve, along with a father that can't or wont be there for them.

I'm going to look up covert abuse as you suggested!

Thanks again,
S

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Those are legit concerns. It sounds like you are being neglected. Neglect hurts and is damaging, just like abuse!