Confused About Contact and Boundaries With an Abuser

[EmoxxKid]

Does anyone have to have pretty often contact, either via phone or otherwise with one or more of their abusers?

:think:I guess I don't "have" to but...I do.

My father *sighs* birthday was on the 22 of this month and it's rather odd....

I didn't forget but I didn't really want to [FONT=&quot]acknowledge that it was here. I ended up sending him a text message, telling him have a happy day or some crap...and I didn't really mean it...but at the same time I did...

:dontknow:I don't know why I am even writing this.....

I just don't like talking to him but I love him so much and I would be heart broken if something happen to him. He is.....such a lying F**k though....


*Screams!*

How do you end a rela. with a parent...one of the main players in the game of your life...one of the main reasons for all the pain.....Or either put stiff boundaries on "us".....:Hug_emoticon:.....:stupid:


Does anyone feel as stuck and/or as
stagnant as I?


:wall:

 

[ruddy]

Those are tough issues that will require a lot of soul searching. In my case, therapy was a big help. I can't profess to have any answers, but I'll share my experience. I've had to sever ties with family members and set boundaries.

I have no contact with my sister. I used to wonder what I did to make her hate me so much that she would sit by and watch someone try to choke the life out of me. I've come to realize that it wasn't my fault and I have every right to be angry with her. I don't want her to be a part of my life. I needed to let go of the guilt that is often a big part of PTSD to become comfortable with that decision.

I've also severed ties with my father. At one time I thought that he abandoned me as a child because I was really rotten. When I got older and he asked me for money and help with things I felt obligated. As time past I realized that I could never do enough. He was constantly criticizing and calling me names. There was no way that I could make him love me. I also realized that I didn't love him (as he really is). I was in love with some fantasy of what I thought a father should be. He what he is, it's not my fault that he's my father, and I don't have to let him use me as a door mat.

My mother suffers from severe chronic depression. She's manipulative and likes to dish out guilt trips. She isn't mean or evil and I want her to be a part of my life. By the same token, the last thing I need is someone helping me feel guilty and depressed. I sort of keep her on the fringes of my life. I avoid her when I'm feeling down and am careful not to give her too much information about what's going on in my life.

I suppose this all sounds rather harsh. These were painful decisions. For me, it was a matter of self preservation. I feel better about myself now that I've let go of the guilt and stopped banging my head against a wall.

Please take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.
Red

 

[EmoxxKid]

Thank you for your words...;)

 

[becvan]

Geneva:

Many of us have struggled with boundaries. In fact it's common to struggle with them whether with abusers or not.
Now, what I see is some serious black and white thinking. You're only seeing this as either I have to have contact or none at all. However, a middle ground can exist.

Only you will be able to decide what type of contact you want if any, I just wanted you to realize that it doesn't have to mean drastic changes. You could limit the amount of phone calls and physical contact, you could send only letters etc...

It is very hard to set and maintain healthy boundaries, especially if the boundaries have always been unhealthy previously. Expect to have every boundary you set, tested and pushed for quite some time. You may be changing and trying to get healthy but that doesn't mean anyone else around you is!

bec

 

[ruddy]

Bec,

What you're saying makes a lot of sense. When I'm feeling good, it's much easier to be around my mother. I'm much less apt to get sucked into her black hole of depression. In time, I may be able to increase my exposure to her with less impact on my own well being.

Some of the questions I asked myself: How does spending time with this person affect me? Is doing so a form of self abuse (a continuation of childhood abuse)? Is there a way to change the relationship to make it less harmful? Is there still a potential for violence?

Unfortunately, I'm still so angry with my sister that I have the urge to beat the crap out of her every time I see her. I haven't done that in over 20 years. Now I turn and walk away and generally avoid her at all possible costs. For now, that's the best I can do. I'm not sure if it will ever get better - not sure she's worth the effort.

The last time I saw dear old Dad, he was throwing his dirty dishes at me because I refused to pay for his anger management classes. (He didn't need those ********* classes by the way.) Family or not, there is a limit to how much any of us should be willing to put up with.

Regardless of the circumstances are, these are gut wrenching agonizing decisions!

Red

 

[Deleted member 541]

What bec has said is very true. Even when you do set boundaries....People will push you to the limit to see if you will cave in, if the relationship was unhealthy to start with.

It's a fine line to walk, and only you can make the decision on how to deal with this issue. If being around these people makes you suffer...Then I would think the answer is very clear. If keeping them at arms length works...Then try it. Whatever works for you....Nothing is written in stone. What works for one, may not work for another....