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Childhood Confused about what abuser actually did



I have a few questions that I was hoping someone might be able to answer. I don’t have much understanding of sexual acts because I’m quite young and haven’t had any experiences except abuse, so I’m confused.

I don’t remember much at all of what specifically happened when I was abused by a 42 year old man when I was 4 and 5. I know two things for sure: 1. he held me down, on my shoulders, and there was a lot of heavy weight and pressure—i was unable to move, and 2. I saw his naked body.

i don’t know what these things mean. i don’t know why i saw his naked body. i don’t know why he held me down either. why would he do those things? i get so triggered by men’s bodies, men’s underwear, men’s belts. it’s just kind of making me wonder what he actually did. does this mean he r*ped me, and didn’t just molest me? im so confused. i dont know what he specifically did. i just wish i remembered. it hurts.
It's really really confusing, unsettling and unnerving when you only remember little fragments of things. It's so hard to make sense of things.

Do you have a therapist to work this through?

It may be that, in the future more memories come back (they did for me to some extent). But it may also be that bits of the events will still be missing in your memory (again some are for me too still and it's been 30 years).
Sometimes it's working through and accepting we may not remember so that certainty may not be there through memory.
However, these are very difficult things to work through on your own..
Whatever happened, it's clear it's troubling you. And that's enough.
I think maybe he confused you about who you're supposed to be and how you're supposed to be able to express affection with people in general, if that makes sense? That is deeply troubling and I am so sorry you went through that.

I admire your bravery in facing whatever "it" was.