Relationship Confused And Frustrated

[christine12]

Hello, I am thankful for finding this forum even when I receive advice I might not wanna hear I accept it because you should always try to listen and take in what someone else says, even if you don't agree. The nice thing is sometimes you have others that are in similar situations and have compassion for what your going through.

With all this being said I feel so confused and truly frustrated the gut that I have been dating for the last several months, PTSD sufferer ) we had a discussion about things and relationship again he finally just said I can not give you the relationship you want or deserve. I asked him why and he said that its him and that it also had to do with intimacy and his likes and dislikes and things he feels I wouldn't understand ( that kinda scared me since we've not been intimate) asked him what he meant but he said he didn't wanna go into that. I asked him since he made this decision what am I supposed to do with the feelings I have , I finally told him that I have started to fall for him, his reply was that he has started to fall for me as well. My question what now? If your falling for someone why not be with them? Why not wanna embrace it and try to work on it , yes it may be hard but isn't somethings worth fighting for ????

My stomach is in knots I feel sick and sad . :(

Sincerely , Chrissy

 

[monicaelise]

Hi Chrissy,

I'm obviously far less experienced than many people here but I think what you need to do right now is just accept what he's telling you. He knows things about himself that you don't. His issues with intimacy are likely very significant and, judging by the posts you've made, he may realize that they will hurt you.

Many of these men have huge problems with intimacy and sex more generally. Most of the literature that's available via the internet discusses problems like erectile dysfunction, anorgasmia, and a loss of interest in sex, but there's another side to things. I know from dealing with the man I've been involved with and listening to him talk about things he's heard/seen from other men in his position, that certain kinds of fetishes (for lack of a better word) seem to be common among some of the combat vets who have been exposed to a great deal of violence. Sex is not the soft, sensual, caring act that many young women want. It's often rough and disconnected. Now, I'm not saying the man you've been seeing is in this category, but it is possible that he may have certain "tastes" that he knows will get in the way of a healthy relationship with you.

Anyway, this post may be more explicit than you wanted, and I may be totally off base, but assume that he knows what he's talking about when he says he has likes and dislikes you wouldn't understand. It sounds like he's trying to protect you.

Also, even if he is falling for you, he may not feel it's worth fighting for. Perhaps he sees things as destined to fail regardless of how much you like each other and simply doesn't want to fight for it the way you do. That's not unusual even in the healthiest of couples.

 

[christine12]

Monicaelise , thank you so very much for your opinion and your advice ; this is one of the reasons I like this forum so u can receive someone else's knowledge or look on things. I think that you ate right about the sexual aspect I thought the same things that you said I just didn't write it do to wasn't sure sure about the page. I think that he is interested insex in different avenues and things that I wouldn't agree with or be against. But I can feel the way he cares I can feel and see how much he wants to be with me but the most frustrating part is that its as if the PTSD takes over all aspects . I think that he is afraid that he will hurt me and that's something that holds him back as well, but I agree with you about " maybe he doesn't see it as worth fighting for' that in a lot of ways pisses me off just because I feel that if u and I are falling for each other than why are we not worth fighting for ?"

Thank you for your help ,
Chrissy

 

[Bilby]

Hi Chrissy,

My first suggestion is not to push the intimacy/sex issue. It's a very sensitive issue for most people at the best of times, but I would suggest, that since he has been honest with you and expressed this as a primary concern of his that he was unable to go into - that you leave the subject alone for now.

You are right, that some things are worth fighting for, but perhaps he doesn't feel that he is worth it. It can be a fine line between right and wrong here in regards to what steps you take next.

I'm glad that he has been honest with you about how he feels - many people would find this incredibly difficult when it comes to these issues. Perhaps, in one way or another (rather than a face-to-face conversation which may be difficult for him, you might try e-mail or snail mail), you need to let him know that despite his PTSD (which does not define who he is - there is more to him than PTSD, he just may not feel that way right now), and despite how he is feeling within himself and about his future, that you are here for him. Having said that - you need to be absolutely certain in your own mind and heart, that you want to do this. You need to be educated on PTSD and certain that you want to support him on his journey, as well as having appropriate support for yourself and your own interests to pursue. Let him know that you have chosen this path, and why. If he responds favourably to that, then the two of you will need to work out what comes next and how you manage your interaction with one another - I think there was a thread about this in relation to texts? But generally, the idea is that there are some boundaries set - but take some baby steps before approaching such subjects, and try not to be pushy.

Above all, look after yourself and be certain of the steps you are taking :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My take...

It's not about you, but you're taking it personally (understandably). The intimacy issue isn't just for combat vets, it spans the spectrum of PTSD survivors.

Im 33 and I've never committed to anyone that I've ever fallen for. Is it them? No. PTSD isolates us from the world in a myriad of ways.

 

[christine12]

@ Bilby thank you for your advice and words of wisdom some times as I have said before you have to read others opinions in order to see or look at things differently.

@ Scareoflonely I appreciate your comments as well. If you dont mind can I ask a question why have you never committed to anyone you have ever fallen for? Is it something that the PTSD issues wont allow you to?

And as far as being pushy is concerned I dont feel that wanting to know where you stand in anyone's life is being pushy i think that it is just something people sometimes needs to know so they know where they stand on certain things.

 

[monicaelise]

I think "pushy" is a relative term. What might not seem pushy to you or I may be construed as pushy by someone else. Your desire for clarification is normal and not at all unreasonable, but he has given you the answer. It doesn't seem to be an answer you can accept.

I think you may want to be very careful about how you proceed now. He will run if you don't give him the space he appears to want. It's what most of us do, even when we don't have PTSD. Folks with PTSD just seem to need a bit (or a lot) more space than folks without it. Don't keep giving him reasons to increase the distance. Let him walk as far away as he needs to. If you don't, he will bolt and it will probably be for good.

You can't make him feel what you feel or see what you see. Your experience of the relationship is yours alone, regardless of what he has said. He may have similar feelings, or not feel even remotely like you do. You just can't know that. It's all completely individual and subjective, regardless of what anyone says. Even the same language ("I have feelings for you too") may mean something totally different from what mean when you say that.

 

[p-no]

monicaelise, I fully agree with your first and last paragraph in post no. 7. I find all that very well put.

Christine, it appears to me that you cannot accept who he is right now. He already shows you clearly who he is. He is exactly that person who you wrote about in this thread and others on here. Maybe re-reading your own posts would help you let it all in. That would probably cause you a lot of pain, but from experience: you have no other choice - sooner or later - than to come of acceptance for who he is right now.

It does not matter who you see in him, if he does not see that person in himself. It seems to me that you see "potential" in him, but maybe that is not there, at least not now while you're hoping for and clinging to it so desperately.

You can not make anyone love you or be with you. You also can not make anyone view themselves differently from how they view themselves.

You could do as monicaelise said and oblige to all he seems to (read: seems -- you do not know this) need or ask for right now. But, IMHO, I think you would at least be starting to give yourself up. Because clearly to me, in my view, you want and need something else that he is currently ready to give. You seem to want more closeness, more commitment, and he seems to want (and need?) the opposite.

I hope that you will be able to accept who he is right now and who he is not -- solely for your self. I once gave myself up in the way I suspect could happen to you now, too, if you let it. I almost lost myself. It's a lot easier to get in than to get out.

I agree with ScaredOfLonely in this, both re intimacy and desires etc. with regard to sex:

It's not about you, but you're taking it personally (understandably). The intimacy issue isn't just for combat vets, it spans the spectrum of PTSD survivors.

Although I do not think that PTSD isolates us, it has a say in intimacy and, well, everything. I think separating PTSD from me as a person is not fair to me. It's part of me and it is so intertwined with my personality (speaking solely about myself here) that I can not separate it. Therefore, it does not isolate me, but we go hand in hand finding a way of intimacy and all with each person individually. I believe I can have what they refer to as a healthy relationship; but not with just any person. No matter what the reason for your man to say he cannot give you the relationship you want or deserve, I think he really means it. And even if he didn't, it's important to take him seriously, for the sake of yourself.

Best wishes to you.