Relationship Confused And Frustrated

[Serasen333]

Hello. I am new to this forum but have been a supporter for almost 8 years now. My husband suffers from combat PTSD from almost a decade before we met.

It seems just when I get a grip on how things work, something changes and we start fighting again. The fighting can get pretty bad. I have mental disabilities of my own so sometimes I wonder if it isn't me misunderstanding maybe?

Anyway, my question is: How can I keep open communication with him? Lately it seems he is always on edge. He seems to just pick things out of thin air to be upset with me about. If I say anything at all then he gets more aggressive and loud. Name calling and physically getting closer to me when he's yelling tends to set me off but I try to keep myself from doing the same.
If I am upset about something, even if it has nothing to do with us, he gets angry if I say anything. I'll say "I feel like..." and I don't even get the whole sentence out before he gets an angry tone. He sees emotions as weakness and says he doesn't give a **** about anyone's emotions or opinions. Unless its based in fact it will lead to a fight. If I get upset over the things he says and I start to tear up, he goes ballistic and sees it as a manipulation.

How do you communicate with someone who doesn't want to acknowledge emotions or listen while someone else speaks?

At least every other day I sit and try to remain calm while he brings up everything I have ever done wrong and listen to him threaten divorce without myself being able to interrupt to clear something that was misunderstood up. Hours go by sometimes and I wonder if he will just get tired of yelling. Sometimes over such simple things (side dishes for a meal, the volume on the tv, the way the couch is facing).

Please if anyone understands this and can shed some light I welcome all advice and comments.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He sounds quite abusive! Is he in treatment? Honestly, there is nothing YOU can really do at this point to make him better as he needs to change himself. It seems like you're already walking on eggshells---a terrible place to be.

 

[arfie]

I am the PTSD sufferer in my family, but you are describing my husband. My usual response to this scenario is to go to a support group meeting or some other node on my support group and talk it over with him when we are both calmer. It is a fuzzy line between waiting for a calmer moment and sweeping it under the rug. It was hard to risk a moment of peace with volatile topics, but it paid off in the long run. But... In the early going I did allot more therapy work than risk taking. I wasn't at all sure he was worth the risk while that nasty business was part of the package.

Gentle support, Serasen. Hope you find a way that works for you. Stay safe.

 

[Chris516]

While your mental health issues may be a contributing factor to the arguments. It is his PTSD that has the major role. Because, Supposing your mental health were Bi-Polar Disorder for a moment. My (ex)fiance said she had that, but it was more like she was Borderline. Anyway, The mental health issues for you, are like a straight line over a period of time. With only regular deviations. Whereas, His PTSD, is sort of like, all the bouncing balls you see, when they do the lottery drawings on television. Until his 'triggers' are discovered, he may just continue to be volatile. Because you can't go on what his 'supposed' triggers are. They need to be discovered in therapy.
.

 

[Serasen333]

Thank you all for your imput and support. I've talked to him about therapy. He says it doesn't help anyone and that the time he tried a group session there were vets from nam that were still not better after years. I can't convince him it will help. I am starting to just walk away when I know its not me, but this seems a little cruel and then I get blamed for not caring. I want to be supportive, but I always fall into a defensive mode after a few jabs.

Triggers, I know of a few. But I swear to hear him talk about them they change. I can't keep a mental list in my head of them all.

Its like I'm just waiting around for him to get help and keeping all fingers crossed. Its exhausting to think nothing will ever change. But it seems that everyone except me is either oblivious to it or they have just accepted it as part of him and keep their distance. That doesn't work in a one bedroom house with both people at home most of the time.

 

[arfie]

Gentle, sustaining hugs, Serasen. I know this is very hard for you.

I would be one of those Nam vets your husband has judged in the group sessions. My own PTSD is not combat related but my local VA integrates many of their therapy groups. Many folks benefit from a broader range of perspectives. Nearly every group has at least one therapy resistant member. Sometimes that member is me. It is complex and mysterious process. We let them work through it at their own pace. Much easier when we only see them once a week. Living with it is much, much tougher.

I just did a web search on "spouses combat PTSD" It brought up quite allot that might be worth checking out. My local VA even offers support for families. That varies allot from one VA center to the next. Getting help for yourself will change the equation considerably. As they say in Alanon, "Let it begin with me."

FWIW during the Nam era, and even the Gulf War, combat PTSD was still being treated as "combat fatigue" and "shell shock." The other forms of PTSD were being treated on even less. We've come a long way, baby, but there is still a long way to go. We can only work with what is available.