Confused And Would Like Answers?

[Peregrine]

Hi, I'm Peregrine (or Pere)

My situation is that I was sexually abused last year, for quite a while, from quite a few different guys. Naturally, I was terrified at first. I got counselling, changed schools and got the hell away from them.

But it's been a year from then, I thought that I had gotten over it but it's all coming back. I suffered 5 flashbacks since last Saturday, I've had bad dreams for the past month and can't go to sleep easy. I always feel like it's going to happen again. I feel scared. I feel really vulnerable. And I can't get the damn thoughts out of my head.

I've taken a few online tests and I've scored positive for PTSD, but obviously that doesn't count as a real diagnosis.

I'm afraid to tell my mum though.

I just want to know what you guys think. Do you reckon I have PTSD? I'm just really confused.
Also, if you think I do have it, is it possible to recover without therapy? My family is really low on money and there's no way I'm gonna make my mum pay $40 an hour for me unless absolutely necassery.

Please help me.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hi Peregrine,

I urge you to tell your Mom if she's a supportive, safe person for you. Your traumas are fairly recent so you've a great chance for healing.

WOW. You're so strong to be facing this now! Wish I had back in my twenties. I learned the hard way that
the longer you wait, the harder, more expensive, more long term, and less effective treatment will be. Coping skills become part of one's personality after awhile and habit...I'm struggling to try to uncouple these defences from my everyday self and it's so hard on my family.

Did you report the abuse? Some countries have $ set aside for crime victims to help pay. Or, you might qualify for assistance. There's a lot of options out there so please give yourself permission to at least check them out.

You already ARE brave. You survived that! You deserve healing.

Please keep sharing as you are able...and reading and speaking kindly to yourself. A happier future lies ahead for you.

 

[MurphyJB]

Hello there, and welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry you're hurting and going through a hard time. This is a great place to find support once you've been diagnosed, but nobody here can or wi diagnose you. You need to go see a doctor.

 

[anni]

Hi Peregrine,

I understand so much not wanting to put a financial burden on your mother. It must feel awful to feel torn this way. It's not a good feeling knowing something does not feel right but not knowing how to get help. At least you are reaching out and looking for answers-that's so level headed and commendable at your age, believe me! I'm so sorry for your awful experiences. I do agree with Bloom with this. I'm a Mom, and gosh- would so want to know. The rest of her post please do re-read. It's awfully sound and you sound mature and astute enough to realize the wisdom of what she's saying.

One path to 'free' counseling, and further subsidized therapy is if you can get connected with a church which has ordained ministers. These do not enter counseling from a faith based perspective- as in 'God will heal you', etc.- it's professional, since the ministers and priests have professional training in this. They do it confidentially, and what they can't deal with they will refer you to someone trained to do so- at a sliding scale, if you've contacted the right person. Lutherans, Catholics, I think maybe Episcopalian churches, although not positive about the last. It's a thought, at any rate. I do not believe membership is mandatory, either, or was not in mine anyway.

It's just a thought. There is help. Yes, you should be diagnosed, but the point is that something dreadful did happen to you, and whatever the diagnosis is, you've been wounded and deserve healing and help.

We're always here also, but I do hope you're able to speak with your mother. We moms take a dim view of our children being damaged. She'll be wanting to help you, very much.

Take care now,

Anni

 

[kers]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, and that you are suffering now.

I completely understand not wanting to add to your mother's stresses. However, the issues you are having could get worse without treatment--and that would be harder on you and your mother. Many people here on the forum suffered for years in silence, and each year the symptoms worsened. Early treatment definitely improves the likelihood of resolving these issues.

Your mom is going to be more familiar with resources in the community than you are, and she has the ability to seek them out. Telling her will be hard, but I bet she wants to support you and just needs the chance to do it. In the States, most counties have a mental health center that is a branch of public health. They are a good resource to get referrals for low-cost mental health care. I would also consider talking to the counselor at your school who will also know a lot about the resources in your community.

Reach out! It will get better.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello. Welcome to the forum

Based on my experience, and learning the hard way, I recommend that you tell your Mom as soon as possible. Even if she is unable to give financial support, she can give you emotional support, which is really important for 'healing'. You may have PTSD, but you need a face to face consultation with a Doctor for a diagnosis. I would suggest you start by seeing your Doctor (GP), and explain what symptoms you are experiencing, and your sleep problems etc. Your Doctor can then give you apropriate advice, and may refer you to someone else - a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist.

I don't know about in Australia, but in the UK there are charitable organisations set up to help people who have experienced sexual abuse. They offer specialised therapy at either very low rates, or for free. It might be worth looking into. Your Doctor may also be able to advise you on this.

Talk to your Mum, allow your family to support you. As others have said, the longer you leave it, the harder it can be to heal. So don't delay, get the help you deserve to heal. Also, feel free to visit our other site, especially for survivors of sexual abuse (see the link below my name)

Take care
CB

 

[anthony]

Did you lie about your age to be upon this site, considering you stated you are 24, and I find it difficult that you would be asking such questions and have such reliance at that age upon your mother.

 

[Peregrine]

Thank you so much everyone. I can't tell you just how much your support makes me happier.
I think I'll take your advice and tell my mum. If she can help me at least get a diagnosis then that would be amazing. I'll still probably wait for her to get a full-time job before I get any counselling (if I need it), and go for free online counselling until then.
Thank you for the link, Cherryblossom. I'll take a look at it as soon as I finish this.
I tried to report the abuse, but it turned out for the worse. The men who were hurting me found out and get really peeved. They didn't hurt me badly or anything, just emotionally. Felt like it was my fault everything happened. I still believe it's partially my fault.

I have a very positive attitude about life though, and an extremely supportive boyfriend, so I have been able to cope rather well considering the circumstances. So I hope I will be able to get over this :)
I just hate the strain it puts on Harry (my boyfriend) whenever I flashback, or something else happens. So I'm gonna try anything to get better as soon as possible so I don't end up hurting him as well.

Thank you again, everyone.

 

[ikop]

If you have PTSD you will fill it in every bone of your body . PTSD is not just about bad memory or flashbacks . it is devastating condition that change your brain and chemistry and lives you with continuous pathology anxiety , startle responses memory problems and feeling that something is wrong.

 

[Peregrine]

Ok, thanks.
I was thinking about that earlier... even though I'm scared, having a disorder is like the ultimate form of fear, right? Even though I do feel like it's the ultimate form of fear... But all fear really feels like the worst fear ever.... But this really is on new levels. (see what I mean? I'm really confused o.O)
So I think I'll go with being diagnosed by a doctor to be safe.
Thanks for your opinion

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hang in there...it gets better!

 

[blueangel371115]

I took the assessments first as you did then presented them to both my doctor and therapist which sufficed for them as a diagnosis. As for your parents I also understand, I moved back home at 26 so I'm a little dependant on them. Whether this is your situation or not or you just would rather be open with them. my advice would be to print out or rent out literature in PTSD for you and them to read and discuss. Or even show them this site as it has a wealth of info. In my opinion, the sooner you get this off your chest the better.