Relationship Confused, Wanting To Do What Is Right

[berry622]

Hey everyone,

I'm new here - I did a little introduction if anyone is interested in that before considering my questions/vents.

I'm struggling with what I should do in my relationship. We have been dating a wonderful 6 months - some of the best of my life - but there have been many moments of confusion, hurt, and frustration related to the PTSD. I want to make sure that I am being realistic in my intention to be with this man. We've been friends for quite a while, and I love him dearly, so the worst thing would to be a detriment to his (or of course my own) happiness. I'm hoping you all will be able to give me some thoughts to help me sort it all out.

I went into the relationship knowing that it would be a complicated one, and I've tried to inform myself as we go along and as issues arise.

I've been struggling with a few different themes in our conversations. One is his confusion about the direction his life is heading in. I honestly felt really okay with this in the beginning, and my only real problem with it now is that I have made a commitment by being in a monogamous relationship, and the only way I can really feel good about that is by believing that he will most likely be around, not halfway across the country at any given moment. I expressed to him that it was hard for me to hear him say that he doesn't know where he is going or what is going on one day, and then the next we are talking about moving in together. He has been really great about acknowledging that this is problematic for our relationship, and I have been trying to be compassionate and patient, which is hopefully not misguided. I would never want to 'tie someone down' that wasn't wanting to be tied down, or wasn't capable, but he has expressed how much he likes being with me, and how I have added some stability and clarity to his life, so I can't help but want to remind him of that in these confusing moments. I have an obvious bias becuase I would love for things to work out between us, but I truly am concerned that a lot of this desire to run off is about pushing off the inevitable feelings associated with his PTSD, and that maybe it is more harmful in the long run than staying put for a while and trying something that adds a little stability. Any thoughts? He does plenty of travelling and is looking for a job right now that involves travel, so it is not as though that would not be a part of his life, but does it make sense for me to offer him my insights? I have been, and it seems to help him think through what is going on, but I am nervous about the idea that it is manipulative or something. If he really feels he can't be rooted, who am I to tell him that it might help him? I'm pretty confused on that one, because I do feel I have a lot to offer in terms of friendship and support, as a part of and on top of the other aspects of our relationship. He has voiced that some of his confusion about his commitment to staying in one place and to our relationship is out of fear. How can I respond to this?

Another issue we've been having is related to intimacy. We have been pretty close friends and are extremely compatible in so many ways. He has gotten more and more comfortable with being physically close, and is really affectionate in small ways throughout the day. When it comes to anything sexual, it is a different story. Once the touching involves kissing or any touching that isn't totally innocent, he seems to disconnect quite a bit, sometimes to the point that I question whether it is okay for me to kiss him, touch him, make an advance, etc, because he just seems to tolerate it. Sex happens, and we have fun, but I definitely have a higher drive and place much more priority on it. None of this became apparent until he got sober, just a few months ago.
Initially, I was really hurt and triggered by this, because I didn't know that it was related to PTSD. He has still not confirmed this, but after looking around on this and other sites, I feel pretty sure that is what is going on. I think now that I can see it as fitting into the larger picture of his PTSD, I can learn to not take it as personally. My concern is that I will probably not get my needs met, emotionally or physically, and I want to make sure that any decision to go forward despite this is a clear headed one. I do have hope that we could reach some compromises, and learn ways to feel more comfortable communicating on the topic, but again, I don't want to be pushy on something that he is not sure he can handle. Where is the line between me trying to find ways to carry on our relationship despite some intimacy issues, and me trying to push him on something that he isn't comfortable with?

I'm sure there will be lots more to come. So far, despite these issues, I feel that our strong and caring connection and understanding with each other is worth too much to just give up. Is this delusional?

I know this is long, thanks so much to anyone who is taking the time out to read!

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Berry622 and welcome.

May I suggest you start by reading the sticky threads at the top of each of the supporter subsections - the ones with a pin on them.

I don't have time to read your entire post now but it seems, from what I have written, that would be a good place to start until someone writes back to you personally.

Take care.

 

[ProudWife99]

Welcome Berry622! I'm sorry to hear your beloved is struggling and in turn you are struggling, but I am so glad you found a resource and were able to voice your concerns!

I am pretty new to the forum myself and there are others on here that have way more wisdom than I do, but I can relate to you from my own experiences.

First off, I think it is wonderful that you're searching out resources and looking for help and understanding. When I found out my husband had PTSD I was like "oh..okay." and went on with my life. It wasn't until things got worse that I realized I was in way over my head, so good for you for being proactive.

Has your boyfriend been diagnosed with PTSD? Is he currently seeking counseling or therapy? It is important to note whether your sufferer is currently seeking treatment or is still denying there is a problem. I waited until A began to deal with his PTSD better to go to my own T, and it was almost a little late. By the time he was feeling better, I was just beginning to work through my bitterness, hurt, and anger, so that is something to think about!

To be honest, the issues you are raising in your post are very, very normal for a PTSD relationship. Intimacy can usually be one of the first things that is effected. It was a priority to me as well, but I had to change what I expected out of a relationship entirely. Commitment to any long term goals also proves to be difficult, at least it was for my husband. He made plans, but then was so stressed out by the idea that he wouldn't reach them or fail me in some way that he pushed and pushed at me.

You have a chance to really evaluate what you are getting out of your relationship, because it will never be "normal." it may have seemingly normal moments, but relationships are a roller coaster. PTSD seems (for me) to make the lows much, much lower.

It isn't delusional to care about someone enough to think that it is worth the effort, but I really encourage you to really delve into some of the posts on this forum. You can read the frustration, hurt, heartbreak, and moments of joy from each of the supporters posting here. I would read it knowing you will, at some point, encounter most if not all of those situations. My marriage has been filled with more crap months than happy ones. I've been lonely with my husband in the room. No one in my "real" life understands PTSD, so aside from this forum I have no one to turn to. No one could get it and most of the time they tell me "if it was that bad, then leave him."

I hope you really, really take the time to consider what it is you're getting into. Only you can decide if it is right for you, but I encourage to you make a well informed decision.

Wishing peace for both you and your boyfriend

 

[berry622]

Thanks for the response!

It has been really nice just to read through people in similar places, and the more I read the more I am able to fine tune what I'm thinking and feeling about it. I'll definitely keep delving into what is already posted on here.

He has been diagnosed. He isn't doing any therapy or groups right now. I think right when he got out of the army he did some, but didn't stick with it or find it helpful at that time. He definitely doesn't deny there is a problem though - he has been really clear from the beginning of our dating (and even in parts of the friendship) that he struggles a lot, has a lot of confusion, and has trouble with stability in his life, as well as other things. He is really open about it. I think he is at a loss as to what to do about it, and his disillusionment with the world includes a disillusionment with receiving help. That is my stab at what is going on in that area, though I'm not positive of course. I would love to encourage him to find other vets to talk to, or seek out anything that might help, but I'm afraid to push him. Do you think it be appropriate to suggest that, or might it stress him out?

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and kind words. It really helps to know what goes on for other people. At this point I guess I'm just going to take it day by day and be as careful and aware as possible. I am definitely struggling to explain what is going on to my close friends and family, so this forum is really invaluable. If they were seeing the depth of his pain in that way that I was, I have a feeling they would understand that he could still care about me even though there are all of these issues. It is definitely not an ideal situation, but I really get a lot out of being with him, and I guess if that changes for either of us, we'll have to deal with what that means.

 

[ProudWife99]

Berry - You sound so smart! I think you're doing the right things. I encouraged my A to attend group sessions once he got out of the army. He refused. Finally, he went to a couple and they helped him a little, but he hasn't been back in a long while. I learned all I could do was encourage good decisions and good behavior and set boundaries to try to avoid the bad behavior. It was trial and error with us.

I wish you the best! Both of you!

PW

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Berry,

Sorry to read of your dilemas.

You do raise the point about the sufferer declining therapy, their choice and, while I respect that choice, it leaves the way clear for me to make choices about my life that they may not agree with and might have a negative impact on their life/feelings.

Choosing to go out, socialise without my husband, to travel, to get on with my education, to get a job, saved my sanity and our marriage.

Sometimes I think PTSD is a very greedy and selfish "thing". It protects it's self from therapy, it clings on to the sufferer and want's to own them, to isolate them and keep them to itself. It pushes us away like a greedy mistress and I hate it.

 

[berry622]

Thanks again Proud Wife!

Thanks so much for your input Pale Warrior - I can definitely see that greedy side of it - any severe mental struggles really pull these beautiful people down into them. It gets complicated for my partner and I because I have been skeptical of a lot of treatments I've gotten for my own struggles in the past. I have to find a way to be supportive of him getting the help he needs while not sounding like a total hypocrite. To be clear, I have done my work and gone to therapy, but I sifted through tons and tons of people and programs before I found anything that helped me at all.

I'm kinda thinking the best thing I could do is suggest peer support groups and stuff, which might be more at his comfort level, encourage us both to do fun and healthy activities together, and if he decides to go for further care just support him 100% in it. I don't know.

Thanks again.

 

[LizardViolet]

I sifted through tons and tons of people and programs before I found anything that helped me at all.

That's a key fact to keep in mind. But you didn't give up. One of the symptoms of ptsd can be hopelessness and a feeling of powerlessness. So while getting better takes persistence to find what works, if a sufferer tries something and it doesn't work, the little voice in the back of his or her head is saying, eh, why bother, this isn't effective, nothing will be.