Other Consensual Sex, Safe Word, My Own Fault,right?

[Jade-]

I would appreciate some clarification about this because I am really confused right now. If 2 people agree to have sex,discuss ahead of time what's ok and what's not,come up with a safe word and things cross the line and I do not use my safe word then whatever happens is my own fault,right?

I am in a 'friends with benefits' situation(which is a whole different topic that I don't want to go into right now) and I guess I trusted that what we discussed would be adhered to. Having a safe word in place made me feel even more trusting. Specific acts were discussed and I made it clear what is definitely not ok. But,having a sexual abuse history and PTSD(which I haven't disclosed to the person) I should have known already that certain things would be triggering and there would be a chance I may not be able to use my safe word and stop things.

So my question is since I am the one participating,I am the one that's being triggered and freezing instead of stopping them,any damage done to me or my body is clearly my own fault,right? Cause what I tolerate can be construed as ok and can escalate,right?

 

[scout86]

Does it have to be someone's "fault"?

If I understand correctly, in the heat of the moment the other person wanted to do things you had already told them was NOT ok, but, in the moment you didn't do or say anything to ask them to stop. Is that right? I guess that sounds to me like it might be a case where communication (on both parts) could have been better and maybe you should talk about what happened now, if you think the situation might come up in the future, so it doesn't go that way next time.

 

[Jade-]

My point is I am covered with bruises on my body because I was not able to use my safe word. Because something that was definitely a no-go & discussed from the beginning was done & I got triggered.

Just making sure this was my own fault and not any type of sexual assault

 

[Sideways]

something that was definitely a no-go & discussed from the beginning was done

That’s not okay.

Introducing a safe word doesn’t mean that other forms of communication about what’s okay become irrelevant. Safe words are in addition to those conversations, not instead of those conversations.

Are you okay?

 

[Yusuke22]

I would appreciate some clarification about this because I am really confused right now. If 2 people agree to have sex,discuss ahead of time what's ok and what's not,come up with a safe word and things cross the line and I do not use my safe word then whatever happens is my own fault,right?

I am in a 'friends with benefits' situation(which is a whole different topic that I don't want to go into right now) and I guess I trusted that what we discussed would be adhered to. Having a safe word in place made me feel even more trusting. Specific acts were discussed and I made it clear what is definitely not ok. But,having a sexual abuse history and PTSD(which I haven't disclosed to the person) I should have known already that certain things would be triggering and there would be a chance I may not be able to use my safe word and stop things.

So my question is since I am the one participating,I am the one that's being triggered and freezing instead of stopping them,any damage done to me or my body is clearly my own fault,right? Cause what I tolerate can be construed as ok and can escalate,right?

Safe words are for unexpected triggers and for things you’ve given prior consent to, but may change your mind about in the moment. If you’ve agreed beforehand what is off-limits, you should be able to trust that it won’t happen. The other participant needs to know that silence ≠ consent.

 

[Jade-]

Yeah, I am okay just feeling a bit confused about all of it.

I'm just thinking well it's all my own fault, I should not be doing what I am doing in the first place and secondly IDK, secondly I guess I should have maybe thought things through better. And I should have thought about maybe something triggering making me freeze and not being able to stop things. I mean,if I didn't speak up and instead stayed silent then how was he supposed to know? I am sure he probably just thought had changed my mind.

Once the choking began I think I probably dissociated and that's when/why things went to the level they did. I really don't think he meant any harm.

IDK though,as I said I am a bit confused about all of it. I do feel like an idiot for all this though.

 

[Sideways]

Most folks learn about their sexual limits through trial and error. It’s hard with ptsd on board. And then the lines start to shift with time and life experience and age and… It’s okay to be upset about it - try and be a bit kind to yourself, because it sounds like a pretty distressing experience.

But learn from it as well.

 

[Weemie]

I tend to think about it more like this: I'm someone who is dominant, sexually. If the person you're with is submissive, the way often goes, is that you're in the position - physically, I mean - to be constantly observing this person. Often, they may be restrained, while you aren't. Or whatever, they're just less physically active, since they're waiting for you to direct them and all that shit.

And that means you're just watching them in a way where they can't, like, distract from that fact. In a more equalized setting, with two people moving and participating simultaneously, things can potentially get lost in the fray - but in a circumstance where the other person is submitting to you, that is honestly not the case. It's really, really hard to miss when someone stops being OK.

It has never happened to me, ever. The second someone seems a little off, it is completely obvious to me. I used safe words, but that was more like a last resort. Like, if I just happened to have a f*cking stroke, and didn't realize I should stop choking someone who isn't responding. For example. So I have a hard time taking people's "ohh, I just didn't know!" at face value.

Being real blunt, here: that guy just wanted to do this shit to you. He didn't give a f*ck that you weren't OK. And he definitely knew you weren't, considering you literally told him that beforehand. To me, that is sexual assault. What you describe in your post ("failing to use a safeword when I am triggered, and my partner doesn't realize I'm triggered") is simply not what actually happened.

You told him not to do it, and he did it. Presumably because he expected he could get away with it "in the moment." (Which, as you've accepted he just "didn't know," it seems he has.) And you froze. Which is known to be a normal human reaction to experiencing trauma. Would it hold up in a court of law? Maybe not. But that doesn't really matter when it comes to you being able to define your own experiences for yourself.

This dude would not be able to offer a single coherent explanation to why he thought it would be OK to do something that you explicitly told him not to do. If his understanding of BDSM is that "everything is fine, including things people tell me not to do, as long as they don't use their safe word -" that is barely above being a rapist.

Someone who is nonresponsive should make you stop and check-in. Period. There is absolutely nothing enjoyable to me about having a sexual partner who is just laying there, zoned-out. That would deeply concern me, and if they did not use a safe-word, I would most likely use my own. I have to stress this fact: it is so easy to determine when people are having abnormal reactions to sex, that even I - with a brain injury impairing my ability to see facial expressions and body language and schizoid - can tell.

And I mean, there are gray areas when it comes to things like this. If you'd said, "I was participating in sex and then he did something that triggered me and I didn't tell him to stop," it would be more of a gray area. But that just isn't what occurred, so I'm not going to give this dude the benefit of the doubt that he somehow magically forgot that you told him not to do this, and then completely tuned out that you weren't OK when he started doing it. That's two separate points of failure when BDSM itself should be as close to a zero-margin for error as possible, certainly far more than vanilla sex.

That's why we have safe words in the first place - because this is a practice that is fundamentally based in safety and consent. RACK and SSC in particular go into meticulous details on this subject - there are entire treatises, dissertations, essays, etc - about this subject. Consent is baked-in to BDSM because BDSM without consent is just abuse. And he didn't have consent.

 

[Jade-]

Yikes @Weemie reading that gave me a surge of panic,but thank you for being blunt and clearing up my confusion.

I already knew he was a definite huge red flag anyway. Lesson learned.

 

[NicoleMarie]

I tend to think about it more like this: I'm someone who is dominant, sexually. If the person you're with is submissive, the way often goes, is that you're in the position - physically, I mean - to be constantly observing this person. Often, they may be restrained, while you aren't. Or whatever, they're just less physically active, since they're waiting for you to direct them and all that shit.

And that means you're just watching them in a way where they can't, like, distract from that fact. In a more equalized setting, with two people moving and participating simultaneously, things can potentially get lost in the fray - but in a circumstance where the other person is submitting to you, that is honestly not the case. It's really, really hard to miss when someone stops being OK.

It has never happened to me, ever. The second someone seems a little off, it is completely obvious to me. I used safe words, but that was more like a last resort. Like, if I just happened to have a f*cking stroke, and didn't realize I should stop choking someone who isn't responding. For example. So I have a hard time taking people's "ohh, I just didn't know!" at face value.

Being real blunt, here: that guy just wanted to do this shit to you. He didn't give a f*ck that you weren't OK. And he definitely knew you weren't, considering you literally told him that beforehand. To me, that is sexual assault. What you describe in your post ("failing to use a safeword when I am triggered, and my partner doesn't realize I'm triggered") is simply not what actually happened.

You told him not to do it, and he did it. Presumably because he expected he could get away with it "in the moment." (Which, as you've accepted he just "didn't know," it seems he has.) And you froze. Which is known to be a normal human reaction to experiencing trauma. Would it hold up in a court of law? Maybe not. But that doesn't really matter when it comes to you being able to define your own experiences for yourself.

This dude would not be able to offer a single coherent explanation to why he thought it would be OK to do something that you explicitly told him not to do. If his understanding of BDSM is that "everything is fine, including things people tell me not to do, as long as they don't use their safe word -" that is barely above being a rapist.

Someone who is nonresponsive should make you stop and check-in. Period. There is absolutely nothing enjoyable to me about having a sexual partner who is just laying there, zoned-out. That would deeply concern me, and if they did not use a safe-word, I would most likely use my own. I have to stress this fact: it is so easy to determine when people are having abnormal reactions to sex, that even I - with a brain injury impairing my ability to see facial expressions and body language and schizoid - can tell.

And I mean, there are gray areas when it comes to things like this. If you'd said, "I was participating in sex and then he did something that triggered me and I didn't tell him to stop," it would be more of a gray area. But that just isn't what occurred, so I'm not going to give this dude the benefit of the doubt that he somehow magically forgot that you told him not to do this, and then completely tuned out that you weren't OK when he started doing it. That's two separate points of failure when BDSM itself should be as close to a zero-margin for error as possible, certainly far more than vanilla sex.

That's why we have safe words in the first place - because this is a practice that is fundamentally based in safety and consent. RACK and SSC in particular go into meticulous details on this subject - there are entire treatises, dissertations, essays, etc - about this subject. Consent is baked-in to BDSM because BDSM without consent is just abuse. And he didn't have consent.

Thank you for this. I froze during sex after being told to “relax” and was assaulted. It took me months and months to realize it was not my fault. I had tried pushing him off of me with all of my strength and was scared to death, but as soon as he said relax, I froze and he did what I’d been trying to fight off anyway. I never knew a sexual assault could happen during otherwise consensual sex. It sound ridiculous to have been so naive but there it is.

 

[whiteraven]

If you’ve agreed beforehand what is off-limits, you should be able to trust that it won’t happen.

Agreed.