Consent

[Rose White]

Well the shame has come on to “help” me.

Mutually beneficial informed equals give consent. I’m not even close to that. (Here comes the shame.). Which makes me disgusting and vile. And apt to be captured since I can’t stay present and only know how to perform service.

The closest thing to true love I experienced in my life were the men who paid me to do cam work. They loved me no matter what I did. And ex brainwashed me to think he was the only one who could ever love me and some stupid part reminds me now and then. And love is wrapped around sex and attention.

I know I’m babbling but it all feels related and it’s hard to untangle.

I consented to performing sex because it gave me attention which felt like love. Parts of me say never again because we don’t understand how to stay present in that space.

 

[Sideways]

I know I’m babbling but it all feels related and it’s hard to untangle.

Yeah, I get that!

Parts of me say never again because we don’t understand how to stay present in that space.

Have you considered working with a sex therapist? You can get to the point where sex feels safe and enjoyable enough that you can stay present and not feel shame and have a good time. But there is a lot to untangle, and maybe it would be worthwhile working with someone for a brief period to help you make some headway with that?

 

[Rose White]

I have not considered that. Thank you for the suggestion.

 

[Rose White]

Looked through the sex therapy profiles on psychology today. Of course didn’t like any of them. Left a message on one person’s voicemail. Ugh. It’s hard. But hey, one step.

Thinking about starting a thread about sex therapy but I have so much anger about it that I might be rude or not interact with it.

 

[Muttly]

When I was a little way into treatment (finally) in my late 20s, well before the worst of my abuse had come out, my then psychiatrist was very clear with me: I did not have the capacity to consent to sex. He considered (and I agree) that I wasn’t expressing my own free will when I indulged men in the sex I knew they wanted, even when I had gone out of my way to let the cards fall that way.

I had the capacity for other things - nothing about my illness interfered with my voting, or paying rent. But since I wasn’t, in my mind, able to say no to sex, ever, to any man, for any reason, no matter what the consequences…I couldn’t consent.

my old T said something very similar to me.

I am now married and have a healthy, consensual and sexual relationship. Having said that, I think that there are still situations where I wouldn't be able to consent. Not with my partner. I think part of navigating my past was learning to recognize the situations where I wouldn't feel like I had free will and running like mad.

 

[Rose White]

Wow! The owner of the clinic got back to me already and we set up 12 sessions in person with a discount! I’m kind of shocked that this is all happening so fast but sometimes the universe meets you I guess. Maybe I’ll make a thread to discuss how it goes and hear from others who have done it.

 

[user27357]

This is not in any way an apology for the behaviour of adults in the 70's/ 80's.

Not that long ago the line of consent was at 16 in common vernacular, as in: "sixteen will get you twenty" (years in prison). As a young guy in the 70's, I saw a lot of what would be considered abuse because of it. Girls my age were sexually active at 14, earlier, and older guys was the norm rather than a rarity. Were they being promiscuous? Hardly. But in general? it was harder to draw a line between right and wrong as a young person based on what we saw rather than what we were taught, because teaching at the time was poor at best and what we saw was a lot of behavior that would be considered abuse or rape now and borderline even then, even with the hazy "16" rules.
Adults are adults then and now and the men involved were plain wrong and they knew it back then.
I would have been extremely angry as a father of a 14 year old girl with a 19 year old adult just 25 years later in the nineties when my girls were growing up. I would have had lots of anger in the 90's, should have had in the 70's (but I was a kid too). and would be full of it today for any adult guilty of abuse, BUT NONE OF IT FOR THE VICTIMS.
I hope the girls I knew got through it, managed the rest of their lives well, taught their daughters too.
I don't know anyone's ages on here, I am early sixties. In my life I have seen what has always been abuse become well accepted as being abuse and I applaud @Rose White for efforts to both educate kids and accept what happened to her. It was wrong, but has never been a victims fault, ever, then, now, ever.
The pendulum of societal acceptance was swinging out of bounds not that long ago, glad to see a return to what needs to be for the health of our young people. Education and accountability are the tools to keep it this way, keep it up, @Rose White. Who better than those that saw the harm to keep it from happening again?